bread of life?

oh dear, I have so many stories to tell. I can't possibly begin.

one week has passed. and I honestly have no idea where to start. I apologize for the ramblings.

I think the best idea is to start with the beginning.

8 days ago today.

I woke up last Saturday morning at 5a.m. wide awake. I realized that I would have been on my way to boarding my plane to Dallas where, in a mere 3 or 4 hrs my Daddy and Momma would embrace me and I would be in their arms. It was a thought too much for me to handle. At that moment there was nothing that I could think of wanting more than seeing my family at the gate.


I got out of bed and grabbed my bible, searching and begging the Lord to consol me. Asking for Him to remind me... or, more honestly, perhaps reveal to me why I had such a strong feeling that I needed to stay in Mexico, because at the moment I couldn’t reach deep enough inside me to find that feeling again—it felt so so far away. The only feeling consuming me was the intense desire to take it back. Take changing my ticket back. Take it all back and close my eyes and be in the plane on my way back home and knowing that I would see my family within hours.


I found myself in tears and got dressed as fast as I could and headed to starbucks (my solace of internet access here in Mexico) All I wanted to do is talk to my Daddy and Momma and hear them affirm me, say that I wasn't crazy, and that there was a chance that I was doing the right thing.

But then my mind wandered and my fingers turned to these passages that I had recently read this past week. These are two passages that I never really can seem to understand what Jesus was communicating.

Matthew 10:36-39
“and a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take up his cross daily and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

I once thought this had to do with God separating those who knew him and those who didn’t. I once thought that this might have something to do with loving God more than I love my family. I once thought that loving anything or anyone in this world was maybe evil.

Well, of course I don’t have the answer figured out but, this passage means much much more to me today than it ever has.

I think because I just experienced it.

And I think it’s true.

My greatest enemy are those in my household, both family and dear friends.

I think my greatest enemies to my undying love for Christ are not evil things but are the wonderful gifts God has given me. Wonderful gifts that are so easy for me to hold too tightly. Gifts that I cherish and will forever be thankful for, but that I have to watch carefully because these precious gifts from the Lord can easily be perverted by man and be made idols in my eyes.


Jesus further brings this truth to light again with a short parable in Luke 14.

“When one of those who reclined at table with him heard these things, he said to him, “Blessed is everyone who will eat bread in the kingdom of God!”

But Jesus said to him, “A man once gave a great banquet and invited many. And at the time for the banquet he sent his servant to say to those who had been invited, “Come, for everything is now ready.” But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said to him, ‘I have bought a field, and I must go out and see it. Please have me excused.’ And another said, ‘I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I go to examine them. Please have me excused.’ And another said, ‘I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come.’ So the servant came and reported these things to his master. Then the master of the house became angry and said to his servant, ‘Go out quickly to the streets and lances of the city, and bring in the poor and crippled and blind and lame. And the servant said, Sir, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room.’ And the master said to the servant, ‘God out to the highways and hedges and compel people to come in, that my house may be filled. For I tell you, none of those men who were invited shall taste my banquet.’

For all the evil that Satan can do, it is the gifts of the Lord that keep me from running toward him with all of my might. It isn't the evilest of evils. It is a field, it is oxen, and it is a wife. simple, everyday parts of life.

a field.

an oxen.

a wife.

a job.

a degree.

a family.

a friend.

a spouse.

It is our livelihood.

It is the little things I find enjoyment in that creep in and take over.

It is cooking, talking, meeting new people, traveling, shopping, sleeping in, friends, working out, hobbies, reading, internet surfing, coffee, movie watching, etc. These are gifts from God. And all of them can become deadly substitutes for God himself.

and i think...really?

could those things possibly keep me from running to the table of my Lord?

I wonder what the man who excitedly proclaimed how great it is to sit at the table of the Lord thought about the story Jesus told.

I'm sure he was really confused.

I mean he really didn't say anything that seemed to merit a parable afterwards.

He just got finished proclaiming how blessed it is for someone to sit with the Lord, to taste his way of life, his love, his calling...

Jesus was quick to respond to his proclamation. I'm guessing his response left the man kinda speechless. I'm sure he thought, why?...that doesn't make much since...why would anyone taste of the Lord and then choice other things in life over the way of the Lord? why would people not choose to eat at His banquet? and especially just because of an oxen...or a field...or a wife...?

or perhaps, this man knew very well what Jesus was communicating. Maybe he knew all too well. Maybe as he was sitting and being and learning and relaxing and choicing the Lord... really in his heart he had things, not evil things, but things that had become idols to him. And if the next day the Lord would invite him to dinner, he might have been too busy with his field. and so he wouldn't come. and maybe Jesus knew what was in his heart.


or maybe none of that is actually what was happening. i'm just imagining. but I can only imagine what the man sitting next to Jesus thought after that parable.


“The greatest adversary of love to God is not his enemies but his gifts. And the most deadly appetites are not for the poison of evil, but for the simple pleasures of earth. For when these replace an appetite for God himself, the idolatry is scarcely recognizable, and almost incurable.
--Piper (Hunger for God, you should read it, great book)

I have spent the last week at an orphanage filled with people who have unconsciously been asking me every day what I am hungry for.

I dont really know how to sum this up...or exactly what I am trying to say.

there is much in my heart and it's not easy to communicate.

all I know is that I am feeling hunger pains to run to be where my Father is and to eat.

I have enjoyed some of the best food I have ever tasted in the past few days. (and i'm talking about food, literally. zoe and I were blessed with a chef this weekend. and a chaufer. and a private pool. and clean towels. and a huge bath tub. and a king size bed) It is a funny story, but I am thankful that the Lord choose to randomly bless me in that way.

but I am still hungry. It is a different kind of hunger. I am homesick. and I'm sure when I arrive in Daingerfield on Tues, I will still feel the pains of homesickness. It is a different kind of homesickness.

A hunger and a homesickness that this world cannot fill. I was not made for the bread of this world and I was not made for this world to be my home.

"I am the bread of Life"
-Jesus


"I've been feeling kind of restless
I've been feeling out of place
I can hear a distant singing
A song that I can't write
And it echoes of what I'm always trying to say

There's a feeling I can't capture
It's always just a prayer away
I want to know the ending
Things hoped for but not seen
But I guess that's the point of hoping anyway

Of going home, I'll meet you at the table
Going home, I'll meet you in the air
And you are never too young to think about it
Oh, I cannot wait to be home

I'm confined by my senses
To really know what you are like
You are more than I can fathom
And more than I can guess
And more than I can see with you in sight

But I have felt you with my spirit
I have felt you fill this room
And this is just an invitation
Just a sample of the whole
And I cannot wait to be going home

Going home, I'll meet you at the table
Going home, I'll meet you in the air
And you are never too young to think about it
Oh, I cannot wait to be going, to be going home

Face to face, how can it be
Face to face, how can it be
Face to face, how can it be

Cuz this is just an invitation
Just a sample of the whole
And I cannot wait to be going home"

-a song by Sara Groves that honestly echoes my heart.

I went to church this morning, and words can hardly express.

Like I said there are too many stories...But I am in awe of what the Lord has done. :)

tomorrow is my last day at the orphanage, pray for my eyes to be open to see and my ears open to hear.