15 September 2007

becoming a fool?

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Matt. 18:1-5
"At that time the disciples came up and asked Jesus, Who then is [really] the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?

And He called a little child to Himself and put him in the midst of them

And said, Truly I say to you, unless you repent (change, turn about) and become like little children [trusting, lowly, loving, forgiving], you can never enter the kingdom of heaven [at all].

Whoever will humble himself therefore and become like this little child [trusting, lowly, loving, forgiving] is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives and accepts and welcomes one little child like this for My sake and in My name receives and accepts and welcomes Me."

oh to be children...

they seem to be able to get things in away that we adults really can't, because i don't know i feel kind of brainwashed i guess. and yes i realize that im only 20 (errr 21 in three weeks!) and i don't think of myself as 'old' but it just goes to show how early the brainwashing happens...

brainwashed by so many things...structures and formulas of life that have invaded our lives since our first breath. structures we are forced to live inside of...we aren't allowed to color outside the lines (i.e.kindergarten), we must wear certain clothes to certain places, we learn to talk a certain way because thats the 'correct' way that some day someone rich said was 'correct', we are thrown into life and are told how it works without ever finding out for ourselves.

i read this scripture and i want to be like a child. i want to think like a child.

i want to go back.

back to the days before i became so enslaved to our 'big kid' way of life

but ugggggggggggggggg it is so hard.

as soon as i try. as soon as i think, "ok i'm giving up thinking like such an adult!!!"

i can't seem to fight these 'adult' like symptoms that have integrated themselves in every part of my mind and heart.

the 'adult' me that desperately needs to be "carefully kept", and that tends to not jump into anything that could 'wear' me out or worse make my hair fall out or make me become 'shabby'.

i want to be comfortable.

yep. that bascially sums it up.

i mean lets me honest the mere thought of 'getting old' is already very overwhelming to me--i dont want to take on anything else that would hurry that process along. so i just tend to stay "carefully kept" --stay comfortable--which most of the time means just that.


not moving, not doing, not growing--and sometimes, unfortunately, that is perfectly ok with my adult self.

the 'adult' me that is full of pride--thinking that i have everything figured out--or at least impressed with myself and the things that God is showing me

the 'adult' me that says i deserve something from God because i feel as if i have DONE so much--i deserve His love, His grace, His mercy,--i have earned salvation through all my 'works' and honestly God needs me to work for Him

the 'adult' me that feels very independent.

completely self-sufficient.

i don't need anyone else...

of course i like having people around--but i could definitly live without them.

and not so much people who are 'older' people or for that matter any kind of people who might disagree with me on some 'spiritual' matters that have 'oh so well' been revealed to me and i don't need anyone else's opinion(well only those opinions that afirm me)

so yea i don't really want to be dependent on their wisdom especially on those who don't believe exactly the way i do...

because of course-- i have arrived(i dont' really know at what exactly but i'm there.)

if the people around me disagree with me then i can just leave them and either find other people or just go solo--i am independent, remember?

the 'adult' me that cringes at the thought of being thought of as little-or nothing-or heaven forbid the word the bible uses 'lowly'. eeeeek!

cringe cringe cringe!

i can't handle that--i can't handle people not looking to me for advice--or at least telling me how great i am--how amazing i am...


ughh i don't even think i can say that word outloud without making a face.

no i want to continue doing those things that make me feel 'highly', praised, and adored. and you better believe that i know what those things are, i have them down, memorized, and stored away in the compartment in my head that should honestly be titled 'manipulation'

i can manipulate the things i say or the clothes i wear so that people will think of me better. I can maneuver myself to be seen by those people i desire to be thought highly of. i will go to great links to be thought well of

the 'adult me' that refuses to be wrong. I don't don't like being wrong. i don't like being embarrassed about not 'knowing' something.

so i just pretend a lot of the times.

most of the time to get people to like me(or think more highly of me--see above...)

I need people to like me. i try really hard for people to like me

I sometimes push my 'real' self further and further away from me just in case i might embarrass my-self. because i mean if people didnt like the 'real' me then i would have to face that. i would have to face rejection. another 'cringe' word.

rejection. yuck.

instead of facing...that...i just feel out people. i see what they are like--what they like--and i tend to (almost unconsciencely because this formula is so branded in my head) be/become like them or be what they want.

so... to be a child? to think of myself as lowly? to be humble? forgiving always? not really thinking of myself as greater than anyone?

that's not just hard--that almost seems impossible. it goes against what has been ingrained inside of me from my first breath into this world. we are born as meek and tender children and its as if the rest of are lives are dedicated on how to teach us how to NOT be like children.

ex: it is said to kids all the time "your a BIG boy now, we don't do _______anymore, we don't act like ____________ anymore"

i mean yes it would look quite silly and extremely gross if we all walked around in diapers still...

but it doesn't seem like anyone ever reminded us or pointed out to us the child-like characteristics that we should strive to never lose.

i can't help but think this 'child-like' thinking is connected to this notion of 'becoming real'...becoming what Christ real-ly called us to be.

i think the skin horse has it right. it is when i am honestly loved, overwhelmed with the love of my Daddy--that I am free to be real.

i am free to not worry about keeping myself 'carefully kept' or concentrating on being comfortable--i want to love like Jesus loved me--i want to run myself ragged--i was to be despensible to anyone and everyone who needs me to serve them in any capacity!

i am free to openly express my ignorance--because i have found the one who knows everything! there is no need to be self-conscience of my lack of wisdom, or knowledge---because i realize that i can't do anything anyway on my own--I am left to only point to my Daddy

i am free to be myself. my-self. the self that God made me to be. i can openly express my personality and not be ashamed because i have found the one who created me and he calls me His--so honestly who cares what anyone else says? it is the voice of my Daddy that afirms me!

and even if no one on this earth accepts me--it might initially affect me--but i somehow understand what the skin horse says.... "when you are real, you don't mind being hurt".

i mean this is so childlike its not even funny!

i remember when i was a kid--it didnt matter what anyone else said--if my daddy said that my outfit was pretty--who cared if the girls next to me thought that my pink polka dotted shoes don't match my bluegreen stripped dress?

I am free to being thought of as nothing. lowly. humble. i have found something so much bigger than myself. so much grander--that to call myself anything but 'lowly' in comparison wouldn't make sense. i am fine with thinking of myself as little--because then my Daddy can do more things through me. if i keep thinking arrogantly--Daddy can't use me.

i am free to be completely dependent on my DADDY! ahhh i don't even want to be independent--i love waking up with the knowledge that i am not independent--i am not alone--He guides me, He directs my path--i just continually have to learn to give him control

and its a process--it doesn't happen all at once..Jesus continually loves me. his mercy, his joy, his love is new every morning. every day i get to dive into it!

every day i become more and more real. everyday i care less and less about me. i fight the adult emily--and strive to be like a kid again

i feel real. every time i color outside of the lines and i risk becoming shabby.

and i risk losing all my hair.

and i risk being hurt

and i risk being thought of as ugly

i find the real me (somewhere underneath all these layers)

and i find the one who made me-- my creator-- and gradually my Daddy begins to come through

...begins to seep through as i die to my 'adult-ness'

as i become 'real' i also make less and less sense to the adult world around me--i am gradually becoming more like a little child...

i am loved. period. and that truth frees me!

frees me to seem like a fool to those around me!

1 corinthians 1:18-30
For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written: "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

the saying goes, "wisdom is in the eyes of children and fools"

children--because they have not yet been enslaved

fools--because they're too crazy to be enslaved.

ahh i pray i become more like a kid.

i pray i become more foolish as i get older.

i pray the Lord shows me the steps to take--so that i can fight this desire of mine to be wise

...my life's goal is to become a child-like fool


o Jesus help me!

i want to be put around so many children this year so that i can attempt to understand more what this concept means

i know that this is a part of the body of Christ that i am desperately wanting and needing to be connected with!

one of my desires this year is that i will take the initiative to surround myself with children, in whatever capacity the Lord asks me--because frankly I have forgotten what it looks like to 'be' like a child....

01 September 2007

it feels like home to me

it is such a good feeling coming home.

i think one thing i have found to be ever more true as i experience life more and more is that home is not just one single place...and that the word home encompasses so very much.

i love the feeling the word 'home' produces much in my mind and heart.

first, of course, it is much much more than a building--no, that would be called a house

a home is much much different. it even rolls off of your lips smoother.


it is relaxing, intimate, encouraging, thought provoking, energy producing, life giving, a hidaway, a haven of hope, peaceful, full of love.

when i think of home in my childhood it reminds me of a day full of daddy mowing the lawn--mom and i cooking and watching TLC and snuggling in the recliner--anna and steve coming over for dinner--dad smelling like fresh cut grass mixed with grilling out--all of us laughing and talking spending the rest of the night watching old home videos and looking through old pictures...

how does this simple word hold all of that meaning?

i think it's because it is there--at home-- that I find my family.

my community.

my inner circle of people who honestly breath life into my lungs everyday.

it is quite honestly something that cannot be explained or put into words.

God has given me a great gift.

a home.

the Lord knows me too well. i can't exist without fellowship, and by that i mean i can't go a day without having a conversation with someone--i have to share life with people. if i don't...i begin to die on the inside. (i realize that sounds morbid... but i guarantee you it is true.)

its as if i can feel my organs start to shut down whenever i am deprived of verbally speaking/listening to humans

and if one day goes by that i do not initiate this life-sharing process i can assure you that something is wrong in me. maybe nothing extreme or big but-- i'm either thinking about something that has captivated my thoughts or i am upset or i am sad or i am dissappointed.

basically pick out any type of emotion and it might be happening inside of me. but it is for certain that it is happening.

if i am not asking someone questions about their day or if i am not rattling on and on about my own, well i might as well be screaming "someone just give me a hug!"

I get a lot of thinking and analyzing done by talking with people...i've tried stopping...i've prayed for the Lord to change me because i know i must annoy people too much...but i can't seem to change(however He is graciously teaching me when to keep my mouth shut...however, still and will always be a learning process)--so for now the Lord has blessed me with a family that puts up with my need for verbalizing basically everything that happens in my head

praise the Lord for Claire, Blaire, and Juliette--they are home to me.

they are my family.

i love coming home

Blaire can almost always be found on her laptop.

she is our family's 'techy'. she seems to not readily admit this fact about herself but don't let her fool you she has raw talent... especially compared,of course, to myself who is completely computer illiterate.

i can promise you she has found something amazing. it can be a multitude of things, ranging from the newest little computer game(...holla at the freshman years) to Matt Chandler's wive's blogspot and the newest pictures of their precious fam (which she just so happened upon by going through other random blogs...) or her newest songs/artist obsession on myspace (she has a talent of finding all the talent before anyone else does--and then we hear it on the radio a year later.)

Blaire is also great about projects. If she sees something that needs to be done, or that she wants to be done--she won't sit or sleep till the project is done. and it has to be done right at that moment--no time to waste! she will stop everything that she is doing at the moment and turn all her attention to the new project that simply can't not get down. do not get in her way--she will run you over or recruit you to help!

Blaire makes me be a kid again. praise God for blaire who reminds me to be calm--reminds me that even though there is much to be done--it is ok to make cookies and chill. :) God knew what he was doing when he put us across the table from each other at Freshmen Orientation....little did I know that he was giving me a person that embodied so much of what I am not--so much of what I need to learn...he gave me a part of himself that he wanted me to learn....i am learning (by practically tying my hands behind my back) to rest--to lean back and breathe.

Juliette well...

there is really not a pattern but i can guarantee you that she is doing something. Juliette never sits still. she is going going and then gone if you don't catch her in time to sit her down. she is reading or researching or studying or talking on the phone or writing emails...

ahh juliette reminds me daily that I don't live anymore--but Christ does. and that everything i do should not be for myself. She is one of the most purposeful people i know. there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't remind me (through the way she lives) that everything i do should be full of purpose.

juliette never fails to make me feel like my life is the most interesting tv series. she always bombards me with tons of questions--casual questions, direct questions, fast questions, interrupting questions, provocative questions, silly questions, great questions, serious questions... about everything.

My Daddy knew me too well when he so miraculously put us in the same group at Impact Camp. Little did I know that he was giving me someone who inside them held the same heart as me(in not every area but oh sooo many...) He was giving me someone that would challenge me



into my God...

into becoming more like who he created me to be.

and Claire...oh Claire!

Claire is either-a. working out. or b. with Joey :)

Praise God for my personal trainer Ms. Claire hodges! She pushes me to discipline myself more--encourages me to be healthy in order to glorify God more.

Claire is unlike anyone else i have ever met--her personality never ceases to make me laugh!

I feel like I live a whole different life through Claire's life. She has taught me--just by her experiences what it looks like for God to give you a person to glorify Him more. Through her relationship with Joey--my love for my Jesus has grown tremendously!

He has given me a practical picture right here in my own house of what He has done in my life!

She is going through so much right now--so many changes--and there is no doubt in my mind God has placed her to live in the bedroom above me so that I can learn from her.

blaire, juliette, and claire

.this feels like home to me.

they dig into me and pour in so many good things.

we call our home the "Come and See Villa"

...come and see that the Lord is good. that he created us. that he united us. that he gave us life more more more abundantly.

His life in us is something that can't really be explained--come and see.

I know its hard to believe that any good or any unity or any oneness can come from four crazy college girls living in one house together....maybe just as hard as it was for Nathanael to believe that Jesus came from Nazareth...but Philip told him to 'come and see'

it must have been hard for the woman at the well to explain to her community that she had found someone that accepted her and told her he could wash away her sins...all she was left to say was 'come and see'

its hard for me to believe that the Lord wants us and expects us to live in unity. to share unselfishly. to not be bitter towards each other. to be patient daily. to love.

it really doesn't make sense that that could or would happen.

but we are fighting. i refuse to bow and say that because we are girls in college there will always be some sort of bickering or bitterness or jealousy.

we are fighting to look like what Jesus called us to BE.

we fail. we struggle. we repent. and he is changing us. he is humbling us....

.come and see.