07 October 2007

chewing chewing chewing...

i am putting a lot of pieces together.

not pieces of gum. however--i have chewed about 10 pieces of gum in the past hour...eerr maybe 45 minutes.i really don't know what that could mean. or what kind of personality box that puts me into.

there is probably some personality test that says if you are unable to see a pack of gum or have a pack of gum in your possession and not continuously chew piece after piece--well then that makes you an D personality.

D for deranged. D for demented. D for disillusional.

so i chew a pack of gum in under 1 hr..... isn't that something i should get an award for? or a big high five? yes i do believe so. this should be looked as an accomplishment! instead i get that eye. that chin raised/eyes looking down on you type of look from anyone who finds out this secret 'problem' about me.

i am not so sure if this is Detrimental ...however i do want to work towards discipline in all that i do (a forever never ending always failed at ambition of mine) soooo no more of this nonsense from me. no more chewing full packs of gum

true story--a few weeks ago i traveled to Austin with my Abbott partner Caroline to scout out some restaurants for the conference and as we headed out of the city we stopped at a gas station. I bought some good ole orbit and jumped in the car. as we drove home to conversation was deep and full of laughter and thoughts of life and all those good things. all the while here i was opening a piece of gum. chewing it. about 2.5 minutes later opening up another piece of gum getting ready to spit out 'old' piece in my mouth.

by the time we reached my apartment without realizing it, my lap was full of white gum papers filled with gum.

obviously i am not putting so well the pieces of gum together... and yes (*sigh) i am about to turn this into something about God...

i wish i could say i was putting together to pieces of life a little better...maybe into a nice little fuzzy kitten puzzle. because i love cats :)

but i'm not.

rather, i am finding out that every time i put my hands to work on the 'life' puzzle that it doesn't fit.

there are 5 corners instead of 4.

there are too many side pieces and not enough middle pieces.

and the picture i've seen on the box several times that i thought the pieces would make, isn't really coming through.

why doesn't it fit?

why doesn't it look like I always thought it would look or should look?

i dont' know.

and i feel like a broken record in my mind to be honest. i just don't get it. i dont' understand how to mesh my life as it is with the words of my savior. i have to change. but how? i mean seriously.


Jesus is really rearranging a lot of things in my heart.

i admit it--right now i am at a very confused point.

i go through these stages..and the stages switch almost every day

yesterday i couldn't concentrate in any of my classes because i couldnt switch my brain from thinking about God/church/love/Jesus/salvation/the bible/the HOW'S and WHY'S/mission --to thinking about spanish or linguistics or rhetoric.

i go through days where i am like
"oh this is great--i am learning so much--i can see the long-term purpose in doing what i am doing at school, I can see why God has me here at this time to grow and learn and prepare"

"i can see why God would keep people in America to love on the people here and pray for the people who go, I can see why he sends some of us to be doctors/teachers/lawyers/moms/dads/business woman"

"i can see how each of us were created to put our hands to something different, some of us to make money to give all of it away, and some of us to receive money and put it to work for the kingdom"

"i can see how people are making a huge impact for the kingdom all around me through pastoring a church, or adopting, or volunteering, or reaching out to the poor around us"

but then there are days when i can't see it. it all seems pointless.

all of it.

i just walk around in a daze...continuing the motions..but my mind and my heart are not there

i can't see why i am spending roughly $60,000 (not counting scholarships) on an 'education'.

this is a big one.

really? all that money? when yesterday 34,000 children died of hunger?
(but of course then the thought comes---how would I, just me, have helped that...)

i can't see why i am still here.

what is keeping me here? i am falling ever more in love with my creator, with my lover...and does he want me here? he is growing in me i can feel it, growing stronger and stronger every day, taking over more of my thoughts, more of my dreams--changing me--re-creating me....

i can't see why i don't just run to the first place i here of that is in dire need of hearing about Him.

why do i spend more than i need and then justify it...or is some spending above need justifiable?

oh, but what do i do?--i here about places like this daily (i mean we aren't stupid--we know about India, Africa, Latin America, and all the 3rd world countries/ impoverished places in America--but why doesn't it affect us?)

the facts swim in my head.

and then they are drowned out with all the other 'things' i have to deal with at this present moment.

i can't see what i am 'preparing' to be a mom and a wife if maybe i will never be one.

yea i know thats kinda a taboo statement to make. and it hurts to say it outloud.

if i could have one wish, one dream granted--honestly and probably selfishly it is to be married to a man who is madly in love with Christ--who would challenge me to love Him more--who would guide me and love me...and have many many children

there is this intense longing in my heart to have this. when i am around families i either want to jump and dance for joy because i see the love of Father through them...or i can't stop crying, i can't stop thinking that this, this thing that i hold so dearly in my heart--i might not ever get.

am i promised this? and really is there much evidence that any such man exists? sorry i should not have said that. ok now my cynical nature is taking over a tad bit...i'll stop.

i can't see how i can read the teaching of Jesus and 'the way' he wants me to live and still i continue to life my own 'way'

i can't see how we are all still here living our own lives convincing ourselves that what we are doing is good enough--when there are millions of people, millions of souls who are living without ever have heard the name of my Jesus.

so yea sometimes life makes a lot of sense to me, and sometimes it doesn't.


bascially we should NOT MAKE SENSE.

Jesus didn’t. he was insane. He did everything crazy. (this makes me feel better)

I was asked if Christians should have any concept of reality.

Like you know you think things and say you have faith…and then there is always a BUT I need to have wisdom too.

Ok example: after school I don’t know what I’m going to do but I know HOW I am going to live. And I know WHO I am . I am not concerned so much with the doing as much as I am the LIVING. J AND BEING.—and so some would say wow you have a lot of faith but you should probably take a reality check –I mean you need money you need a house you need to find a husband- etc etc.

ok so…? Should Christians have any concept of ‘reality’?

i don't know-i'm not sure about that either.

and I HATE how wisdom is presented sometimes in opposite of faith . as if faith is foolish…well hold on. Read that again. FAITH IS FOOLISH. Hmm haven’t I heard that somewhere?

1 corinthians 1:18-30

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS. it does frustrate me...it makes me realize that nothing else matters but Christ and him crucified. why do i make it so complicated? or why do i strive for me to look 'wise' while loving Jesus and loving people?

well this is really long and these are thoughts that are full of many different thoughts that i just keep chewing and chewing but i can't figure out how to swallow them

....my mind is working overtime right now and i feel like my heart is breaking more and more every day--but i Pray that the Lord will continue to break me, i pray that i will daily understand more of His words and HOW to live them...