breathing in...

i have found out even more that i am a product of my parents...this town and these people fill me with so so much joy...

Yesterday Christmas break officially started for me! (no more work for two weeks!) and I jumped in my car and headed for good ol' East Texas...

I got in town just in time to find my mom and dad running around like chickens preparing for the day care and and school kids Christmas parties/play last night...Mom, Mrs. Joyce, and I got a chance to run to grab some dinner then head back to the church to party :)


It was soooo good to see people that I haven't seen in what seems like forever, and then to meet new people too. Another thing that was so neat for me was to see kids of every color, size, background, race---some rich, some on welfare, some adopted, all running around laughing and playing with each other...such a sweet picture of our God!


All the kids had spent the day before cooking up all the goodies to serve us and mmmmmmm i just wanted to squeeze them !


Then I the school kids performed their Christmas play. No doubt one of the best experiences of my life. Between Mary getting baby Jesus confused with a football as she literally 'chunked' him into the manger...and King Herod screaming to the top of his lungs "I WANT THAT CHILD!!!!"...its hard to recall my favorite part. I laughed the entire time...they did a phenomenal job!



...when we walked in the door of my home about 10pm i walked in the living room to find: no Christmas tree, no stockings, no decorations...


nothing.


mom just looked at me and said, "sorry emily, we haven't really had time for that."



at first those words stung as i stared at our living room, i was honestly seflishly hurt that my mom hadn't decorated



but then the Lord opened my heart and my eyes to learn and see the lesson he has been teaching me over and over again--but its difficult for it to soak into me...my flesh fights so hard


one of the things I am so thankful for is that my parents taught me what things in life are to be valued more than others, and what things are more worthy of my effort and my love. now, I'm not saying christmas decorations are evil! gosh no! I absolutely LOVE to decorate and spend all day getting boxes down from the attic and covering our home with lights and garland--that has always been such a joyous and bonding time for our family...but I am also so thankful to come home and see a man and a woman living their life serving their hearts out without having the time to even think about a silly glittering tree in the house, choosing that it is more important to pour themselves out, to spend their time and their resources on others, rather than on themselves. I hope when I grow up* that I will find myself coming home worn out from loving on other people, pressing deeper into furthering our King and His kingdom-- and enthusiastically choosing to do so--not overly concentrated on everything material being perfect for the holidays

(however, yes i really do hope i have a lovely tree too!)

Today we woke up and headed for Shreveport to see a lady in the hospital who just recently had brain surgery. It was a very humbling experience. I so quickly forget about how many people are hurting, sick, and lonely filling the hospitals in our culture. Every time I go to the hospital it is a bit overwhelming for me...first i'm not too great with needles and tubes but beyond that it is a slap on my face of how incredibly self-centered I am. It was good for me to see that. It was good for me to sit in the room with her and just talk and for moments just sit in silence smiling at each other...recognizing how important it is for me to remember those who are sick in my prayers and how my health is SUCH a blessing and gift for me to not take for granted...


after that we headed for the outlets stores on the boardwalk--i needed to pick up a few things for my wonderful roommate, Claire's wedding next weekend. My crazy mom has always taught me to pray for bargains and to be thankful for the Lord providing--well today I am thankful--He knew how much money I had and it was just enough :) and it was so fun walking hand in hand with Mom window shopping like the old days...


tonight we went over to Mrs. Diana's for the daycare teachers Christmas party! so fun! we played white elephant and then one of the women announced she was pregnant which of course caused us to all cry and scream and laugh! I think one of the greatest things God created was laughter and just the ability to feel joy so intense that it can't simply stay inside of you--it has to get out!


soooo the break has begun...i have made a list (of course.) but if the list doesn't get done its ok.

I am praying that I do not take this break, this time, for granted.

"time off" as we call it.

makes me feel like i should shut down, hit the power button, breath in deep....then exhale on Jan. 2 when I return to CS and work.

i think that's what i might just do.


i'm going to attempt to breath in deep...

back to blogging

so yea this blog thing hasn't really worked out so well. i guess that slightly depends on what your definition of 'well' is; however, I am attempting to commit again to blogging

now that I am done with school, and am beginning to feel human again I can do things.

normal things.

like go grocery shopping.

seriously, I feel like I am in culture shock.

this probably confirms the notion that i might be a tad bit too involved in the things i am involved in...but i'm working through whether that is a good thing or a bad thing...

needless to say, I want to blog again--because I find it purposeful to me--if anything to look back and see all the craziness Father has lead me through

so merry Christmas break to you. specifically b-laire b/c... well you are my reader :)

chewing chewing chewing...

i am putting a lot of pieces together.


not pieces of gum. however--i have chewed about 10 pieces of gum in the past hour...eerr maybe 45 minutes.i really don't know what that could mean. or what kind of personality box that puts me into.

there is probably some personality test that says if you are unable to see a pack of gum or have a pack of gum in your possession and not continuously chew piece after piece--well then that makes you an D personality.

D for deranged. D for demented. D for disillusional.

so i chew a pack of gum in under 1 hr..... isn't that something i should get an award for? or a big high five? yes i do believe so. this should be looked as an accomplishment! instead i get that eye. that chin raised/eyes looking down on you type of look from anyone who finds out this secret 'problem' about me.

i am not so sure if this is Detrimental ...however i do want to work towards discipline in all that i do (a forever never ending always failed at ambition of mine) soooo no more of this nonsense from me. no more chewing full packs of gum

true story--a few weeks ago i traveled to Austin with my Abbott partner Caroline to scout out some restaurants for the conference and as we headed out of the city we stopped at a gas station. I bought some good ole orbit and jumped in the car. as we drove home to conversation was deep and full of laughter and thoughts of life and all those good things. all the while here i was opening a piece of gum. chewing it. about 2.5 minutes later opening up another piece of gum getting ready to spit out 'old' piece in my mouth.

by the time we reached my apartment without realizing it, my lap was full of white gum papers filled with gum.

obviously i am not putting so well the pieces of gum together... and yes (*sigh) i am about to turn this into something about God...


i wish i could say i was putting together to pieces of life a little better...maybe into a nice little fuzzy kitten puzzle. because i love cats :)

but i'm not.

rather, i am finding out that every time i put my hands to work on the 'life' puzzle that it doesn't fit.

there are 5 corners instead of 4.

there are too many side pieces and not enough middle pieces.

and the picture i've seen on the box several times that i thought the pieces would make, isn't really coming through.

why doesn't it fit?

why doesn't it look like I always thought it would look or should look?

i dont' know.

and i feel like a broken record in my mind to be honest. i just don't get it. i dont' understand how to mesh my life as it is with the words of my savior. i have to change. but how? i mean seriously.

how.

Jesus is really rearranging a lot of things in my heart.

i admit it--right now i am at a very confused point.

i go through these stages..and the stages switch almost every day

yesterday i couldn't concentrate in any of my classes because i couldnt switch my brain from thinking about God/church/love/Jesus/salvation/the bible/the HOW'S and WHY'S/mission --to thinking about spanish or linguistics or rhetoric.

i go through days where i am like
"oh this is great--i am learning so much--i can see the long-term purpose in doing what i am doing at school, I can see why God has me here at this time to grow and learn and prepare"

"i can see why God would keep people in America to love on the people here and pray for the people who go, I can see why he sends some of us to be doctors/teachers/lawyers/moms/dads/business woman"

"i can see how each of us were created to put our hands to something different, some of us to make money to give all of it away, and some of us to receive money and put it to work for the kingdom"

"i can see how people are making a huge impact for the kingdom all around me through pastoring a church, or adopting, or volunteering, or reaching out to the poor around us"


but then there are days when i can't see it. it all seems pointless.

all of it.

i just walk around in a daze...continuing the motions..but my mind and my heart are not there

i can't see why i am spending roughly $60,000 (not counting scholarships) on an 'education'.

this is a big one.

really? all that money? when yesterday 34,000 children died of hunger?
(but of course then the thought comes---how would I, just me, have helped that...)

i can't see why i am still here.

what is keeping me here? i am falling ever more in love with my creator, with my lover...and does he want me here? he is growing in me i can feel it, growing stronger and stronger every day, taking over more of my thoughts, more of my dreams--changing me--re-creating me....

i can't see why i don't just run to the first place i here of that is in dire need of hearing about Him.

why do i spend more than i need and then justify it...or is some spending above need justifiable?

oh, but what do i do?--i here about places like this daily (i mean we aren't stupid--we know about India, Africa, Latin America, and all the 3rd world countries/ impoverished places in America--but why doesn't it affect us?)

the facts swim in my head.

and then they are drowned out with all the other 'things' i have to deal with at this present moment.

i can't see what i am 'preparing' to be a mom and a wife if maybe i will never be one.

yea i know thats kinda a taboo statement to make. and it hurts to say it outloud.

if i could have one wish, one dream granted--honestly and probably selfishly it is to be married to a man who is madly in love with Christ--who would challenge me to love Him more--who would guide me and love me...and have many many children

there is this intense longing in my heart to have this. when i am around families i either want to jump and dance for joy because i see the love of Father through them...or i can't stop crying, i can't stop thinking that this, this thing that i hold so dearly in my heart--i might not ever get.

am i promised this? and really is there much evidence that any such man exists? sorry i should not have said that. ok now my cynical nature is taking over a tad bit...i'll stop.

i can't see how i can read the teaching of Jesus and 'the way' he wants me to live and still i continue to life my own 'way'

i can't see how we are all still here living our own lives convincing ourselves that what we are doing is good enough--when there are millions of people, millions of souls who are living without ever have heard the name of my Jesus.

so yea sometimes life makes a lot of sense to me, and sometimes it doesn't.

and

bascially we should NOT MAKE SENSE.

Jesus didn’t. he was insane. He did everything crazy. (this makes me feel better)

I was asked if Christians should have any concept of reality.

Like you know you think things and say you have faith…and then there is always a BUT I need to have wisdom too.

Ok example: after school I don’t know what I’m going to do but I know HOW I am going to live. And I know WHO I am . I am not concerned so much with the doing as much as I am the LIVING. J AND BEING.—and so some would say wow you have a lot of faith but you should probably take a reality check –I mean you need money you need a house you need to find a husband- etc etc.

ok so…? Should Christians have any concept of ‘reality’?

i don't know-i'm not sure about that either.

and I HATE how wisdom is presented sometimes in opposite of faith . as if faith is foolish…well hold on. Read that again. FAITH IS FOOLISH. Hmm haven’t I heard that somewhere?

1 corinthians 1:18-30

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS. it does frustrate me...it makes me realize that nothing else matters but Christ and him crucified. why do i make it so complicated? or why do i strive for me to look 'wise' while loving Jesus and loving people?

well this is really long and these are thoughts that are full of many different thoughts that i just keep chewing and chewing but i can't figure out how to swallow them

....my mind is working overtime right now and i feel like my heart is breaking more and more every day--but i Pray that the Lord will continue to break me, i pray that i will daily understand more of His words and HOW to live them...

becoming a fool?

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”


“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”


Matt. 18:1-5
"At that time the disciples came up and asked Jesus, Who then is [really] the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?


And He called a little child to Himself and put him in the midst of them

And said, Truly I say to you, unless you repent (change, turn about) and become like little children [trusting, lowly, loving, forgiving], you can never enter the kingdom of heaven [at all].

Whoever will humble himself therefore and become like this little child [trusting, lowly, loving, forgiving] is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives and accepts and welcomes one little child like this for My sake and in My name receives and accepts and welcomes Me."

oh to be children...

they seem to be able to get things in away that we adults really can't, because i don't know i feel kind of brainwashed i guess. and yes i realize that im only 20 (errr 21 in three weeks!) and i don't think of myself as 'old' but it just goes to show how early the brainwashing happens...

brainwashed by so many things...structures and formulas of life that have invaded our lives since our first breath. structures we are forced to live inside of...we aren't allowed to color outside the lines (i.e.kindergarten), we must wear certain clothes to certain places, we learn to talk a certain way because thats the 'correct' way that some day someone rich said was 'correct', we are thrown into life and are told how it works without ever finding out for ourselves.

i read this scripture and i want to be like a child. i want to think like a child.

i want to go back.

back to the days before i became so enslaved to our 'big kid' way of life

but ugggggggggggggggg it is so hard.

as soon as i try. as soon as i think, "ok i'm giving up thinking like such an adult!!!"

i can't seem to fight these 'adult' like symptoms that have integrated themselves in every part of my mind and heart.

the 'adult' me that desperately needs to be "carefully kept", and that tends to not jump into anything that could 'wear' me out or worse make my hair fall out or make me become 'shabby'.

i want to be comfortable.

yep. that bascially sums it up.

i mean lets me honest the mere thought of 'getting old' is already very overwhelming to me--i dont want to take on anything else that would hurry that process along. so i just tend to stay "carefully kept" --stay comfortable--which most of the time means just that.

staying.

not moving, not doing, not growing--and sometimes, unfortunately, that is perfectly ok with my adult self.

the 'adult' me that is full of pride--thinking that i have everything figured out--or at least impressed with myself and the things that God is showing me

the 'adult' me that says i deserve something from God because i feel as if i have DONE so much--i deserve His love, His grace, His mercy,--i have earned salvation through all my 'works' and honestly God needs me to work for Him

the 'adult' me that feels very independent.

completely self-sufficient.


i don't need anyone else...


of course i like having people around--but i could definitly live without them.


and not so much people who are 'older' people or for that matter any kind of people who might disagree with me on some 'spiritual' matters that have 'oh so well' been revealed to me and i don't need anyone else's opinion(well only those opinions that afirm me)


so yea i don't really want to be dependent on their wisdom especially on those who don't believe exactly the way i do...


because of course-- i have arrived(i dont' really know at what exactly but i'm there.)


if the people around me disagree with me then i can just leave them and either find other people or just go solo--i am independent, remember?

the 'adult' me that cringes at the thought of being thought of as little-or nothing-or heaven forbid the word the bible uses 'lowly'. eeeeek!

cringe cringe cringe!

i can't handle that--i can't handle people not looking to me for advice--or at least telling me how great i am--how amazing i am...

lowly?

ughh i don't even think i can say that word outloud without making a face.

no i want to continue doing those things that make me feel 'highly', praised, and adored. and you better believe that i know what those things are, i have them down, memorized, and stored away in the compartment in my head that should honestly be titled 'manipulation'

i can manipulate the things i say or the clothes i wear so that people will think of me better. I can maneuver myself to be seen by those people i desire to be thought highly of. i will go to great links to be thought well of

the 'adult me' that refuses to be wrong. I don't don't like being wrong. i don't like being embarrassed about not 'knowing' something.

so i just pretend a lot of the times.

most of the time to get people to like me(or think more highly of me--see above...)

I need people to like me. i try really hard for people to like me

I sometimes push my 'real' self further and further away from me just in case i might embarrass my-self. because i mean if people didnt like the 'real' me then i would have to face that. i would have to face rejection. another 'cringe' word.


rejection. yuck.


instead of facing...that...i just feel out people. i see what they are like--what they like--and i tend to (almost unconsciencely because this formula is so branded in my head) be/become like them or be what they want.



so... to be a child? to think of myself as lowly? to be humble? forgiving always? not really thinking of myself as greater than anyone?

that's not just hard--that almost seems impossible. it goes against what has been ingrained inside of me from my first breath into this world. we are born as meek and tender children and its as if the rest of are lives are dedicated on how to teach us how to NOT be like children.


ex: it is said to kids all the time "your a BIG boy now, we don't do _______anymore, we don't act like ____________ anymore"

i mean yes it would look quite silly and extremely gross if we all walked around in diapers still...

but it doesn't seem like anyone ever reminded us or pointed out to us the child-like characteristics that we should strive to never lose.

i can't help but think this 'child-like' thinking is connected to this notion of 'becoming real'...becoming what Christ real-ly called us to be.

i think the skin horse has it right. it is when i am honestly loved, overwhelmed with the love of my Daddy--that I am free to be real.

i am free to not worry about keeping myself 'carefully kept' or concentrating on being comfortable--i want to love like Jesus loved me--i want to run myself ragged--i was to be despensible to anyone and everyone who needs me to serve them in any capacity!

i am free to openly express my ignorance--because i have found the one who knows everything! there is no need to be self-conscience of my lack of wisdom, or knowledge---because i realize that i can't do anything anyway on my own--I am left to only point to my Daddy

i am free to be myself. my-self. the self that God made me to be. i can openly express my personality and not be ashamed because i have found the one who created me and he calls me His--so honestly who cares what anyone else says? it is the voice of my Daddy that afirms me!

and even if no one on this earth accepts me--it might initially affect me--but i somehow understand what the skin horse says.... "when you are real, you don't mind being hurt".

i mean this is so childlike its not even funny!

i remember when i was a kid--it didnt matter what anyone else said--if my daddy said that my outfit was pretty--who cared if the girls next to me thought that my pink polka dotted shoes don't match my bluegreen stripped dress?

I am free to being thought of as nothing. lowly. humble. i have found something so much bigger than myself. so much grander--that to call myself anything but 'lowly' in comparison wouldn't make sense. i am fine with thinking of myself as little--because then my Daddy can do more things through me. if i keep thinking arrogantly--Daddy can't use me.

i am free to be completely dependent on my DADDY! ahhh i don't even want to be independent--i love waking up with the knowledge that i am not independent--i am not alone--He guides me, He directs my path--i just continually have to learn to give him control

and its a process--it doesn't happen all at once..Jesus continually loves me. his mercy, his joy, his love is new every morning. every day i get to dive into it!

every day i become more and more real. everyday i care less and less about me. i fight the adult emily--and strive to be like a kid again

i feel real. every time i color outside of the lines and i risk becoming shabby.

and i risk losing all my hair.

and i risk being hurt

and i risk being thought of as ugly

i find the real me (somewhere underneath all these layers)

and i find the one who made me-- my creator-- and gradually my Daddy begins to come through

...begins to seep through as i die to my 'adult-ness'

as i become 'real' i also make less and less sense to the adult world around me--i am gradually becoming more like a little child...

i am loved. period. and that truth frees me!

frees me to seem like a fool to those around me!

1 corinthians 1:18-30
For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written: "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

the saying goes, "wisdom is in the eyes of children and fools"

children--because they have not yet been enslaved

fools--because they're too crazy to be enslaved.

ahh i pray i become more like a kid.

i pray i become more foolish as i get older.

i pray the Lord shows me the steps to take--so that i can fight this desire of mine to be wise

...my life's goal is to become a child-like fool

.
.
.

o Jesus help me!

i want to be put around so many children this year so that i can attempt to understand more what this concept means

i know that this is a part of the body of Christ that i am desperately wanting and needing to be connected with!

one of my desires this year is that i will take the initiative to surround myself with children, in whatever capacity the Lord asks me--because frankly I have forgotten what it looks like to 'be' like a child....

it feels like home to me

it is such a good feeling coming home.


i think one thing i have found to be ever more true as i experience life more and more is that home is not just one single place...and that the word home encompasses so very much.

i love the feeling the word 'home' produces much in my mind and heart.

first, of course, it is much much more than a building--no, that would be called a house

a home is much much different. it even rolls off of your lips smoother.

'home'

it is relaxing, intimate, encouraging, thought provoking, energy producing, life giving, a hidaway, a haven of hope, peaceful, full of love.

when i think of home in my childhood it reminds me of a day full of daddy mowing the lawn--mom and i cooking and watching TLC and snuggling in the recliner--anna and steve coming over for dinner--dad smelling like fresh cut grass mixed with grilling out--all of us laughing and talking spending the rest of the night watching old home videos and looking through old pictures...

how does this simple word hold all of that meaning?

i think it's because it is there--at home-- that I find my family.

my community.

my inner circle of people who honestly breath life into my lungs everyday.

it is quite honestly something that cannot be explained or put into words.

God has given me a great gift.

a home.

the Lord knows me too well. i can't exist without fellowship, and by that i mean i can't go a day without having a conversation with someone--i have to share life with people. if i don't...i begin to die on the inside. (i realize that sounds morbid... but i guarantee you it is true.)

its as if i can feel my organs start to shut down whenever i am deprived of verbally speaking/listening to humans

and if one day goes by that i do not initiate this life-sharing process i can assure you that something is wrong in me. maybe nothing extreme or big but-- i'm either thinking about something that has captivated my thoughts or i am upset or i am sad or i am dissappointed.

basically pick out any type of emotion and it might be happening inside of me. but it is for certain that it is happening.

if i am not asking someone questions about their day or if i am not rattling on and on about my own, well i might as well be screaming "someone just give me a hug!"

I get a lot of thinking and analyzing done by talking with people...i've tried stopping...i've prayed for the Lord to change me because i know i must annoy people too much...but i can't seem to change(however He is graciously teaching me when to keep my mouth shut...however, still and will always be a learning process)--so for now the Lord has blessed me with a family that puts up with my need for verbalizing basically everything that happens in my head

praise the Lord for Claire, Blaire, and Juliette--they are home to me.

they are my family.

i love coming home

Blaire can almost always be found on her laptop.

she is our family's 'techy'. she seems to not readily admit this fact about herself but don't let her fool you she has raw talent... especially compared,of course, to myself who is completely computer illiterate.

i can promise you she has found something amazing. it can be a multitude of things, ranging from the newest little computer game(...holla at the freshman years) to Matt Chandler's wive's blogspot and the newest pictures of their precious fam (which she just so happened upon by going through other random blogs...) or her newest songs/artist obsession on myspace (she has a talent of finding all the talent before anyone else does--and then we hear it on the radio a year later.)

Blaire is also great about projects. If she sees something that needs to be done, or that she wants to be done--she won't sit or sleep till the project is done. and it has to be done right at that moment--no time to waste! she will stop everything that she is doing at the moment and turn all her attention to the new project that simply can't not get down. do not get in her way--she will run you over or recruit you to help!

Blaire makes me be a kid again. praise God for blaire who reminds me to be calm--reminds me that even though there is much to be done--it is ok to make cookies and chill. :) God knew what he was doing when he put us across the table from each other at Freshmen Orientation....little did I know that he was giving me a person that embodied so much of what I am not--so much of what I need to learn...he gave me a part of himself that he wanted me to learn....i am learning (by practically tying my hands behind my back) to rest--to lean back and breathe.

Juliette well...

there is really not a pattern but i can guarantee you that she is doing something. Juliette never sits still. she is going going and then gone if you don't catch her in time to sit her down. she is reading or researching or studying or talking on the phone or writing emails...

ahh juliette reminds me daily that I don't live anymore--but Christ does. and that everything i do should not be for myself. She is one of the most purposeful people i know. there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't remind me (through the way she lives) that everything i do should be full of purpose.

juliette never fails to make me feel like my life is the most interesting tv series. she always bombards me with tons of questions--casual questions, direct questions, fast questions, interrupting questions, provocative questions, silly questions, great questions, serious questions... about everything.

My Daddy knew me too well when he so miraculously put us in the same group at Impact Camp. Little did I know that he was giving me someone who inside them held the same heart as me(in not every area but oh sooo many...) He was giving me someone that would challenge me

further

deeper...deeper...deeper...

into my God...

into becoming more like who he created me to be.

and Claire...oh Claire!

Claire is either-a. working out. or b. with Joey :)

Praise God for my personal trainer Ms. Claire hodges! She pushes me to discipline myself more--encourages me to be healthy in order to glorify God more.

Claire is unlike anyone else i have ever met--her personality never ceases to make me laugh!

I feel like I live a whole different life through Claire's life. She has taught me--just by her experiences what it looks like for God to give you a person to glorify Him more. Through her relationship with Joey--my love for my Jesus has grown tremendously!

He has given me a practical picture right here in my own house of what He has done in my life!

She is going through so much right now--so many changes--and there is no doubt in my mind God has placed her to live in the bedroom above me so that I can learn from her.



blaire, juliette, and claire


.this feels like home to me.

they dig into me and pour in so many good things.

we call our home the "Come and See Villa"

...come and see that the Lord is good. that he created us. that he united us. that he gave us life more more more abundantly.

His life in us is something that can't really be explained--come and see.

I know its hard to believe that any good or any unity or any oneness can come from four crazy college girls living in one house together....maybe just as hard as it was for Nathanael to believe that Jesus came from Nazareth...but Philip told him to 'come and see'

it must have been hard for the woman at the well to explain to her community that she had found someone that accepted her and told her he could wash away her sins...all she was left to say was 'come and see'

its hard for me to believe that the Lord wants us and expects us to live in unity. to share unselfishly. to not be bitter towards each other. to be patient daily. to love.

it really doesn't make sense that that could or would happen.

but we are fighting. i refuse to bow and say that because we are girls in college there will always be some sort of bickering or bitterness or jealousy.

we are fighting to look like what Jesus called us to BE.

we fail. we struggle. we repent. and he is changing us. he is humbling us....

.come and see.

thoughts...

ok i have had a lot. a lot. of thoughts lately. (and i'm trying to unpack them and articulate them...but it's not working out so well)

i'd like to say more than usual but then i would be lying. because more often than not my mind is always this complicated/is always thinking/pondering way too many things at one time.

and so life goes on. and my brain continues to stress me out.

nevertheless, these thoughts are a lot of time in question form and often i just ramble and ramble in my head.

after studying in Spain for 6 weeks..and going back to Romania---i feel like i am on overload with all the lessons learned, all the questions, all the desires, all the love of Jesus...i think if i could sum up this summer in one phrase it would be :


i have fallen in love with a different Jesus.

i can think back on a lot of seasons in my life and they all can be summed up with some silly phrase... but this describes me perfectly at this moment.


it's not that i have never been presented this Jesus....my family is amazing--my family never showed me anything but love. and Jesus. (the real one--not the one that has been growing in my head)

the problem is i live here. i live in the world. and through the years little by little...hint by hint...my mind and heart and thoughts and dreams have been tainted--not an overwhelming amount--but enough to begin to deceive me.

this summer i wanted to leave. i wanted to get away from my friends, my identity here, my life here in general. i felt like i needed somewhat clean air so i could think. and i decided to read the gospels through--because my head had become so cloudy. between my own crazy thoughts, my friends thoughts, books i'd been reading, etc.--

i just needed Him.



simply Jesus.


but i wanted to read them from a non-believer's perspective. which is somewhat hard considering...well, i love Jesus. and i am a believer.

so i dived in.

1st rule: think, disect, read as if this was the first time i have ever read these ancient letters(and try not to recall any preaching/teaching i had heard on the scriptures i was reading)

2nd rule: train my brain to think like an non-follower of Christ--what i mean is-- read the stories and as best as possible without filtering them through anything.

through a 'girl' filter

through an 'American' filter

through a 'church-y' filter

through an 'im in college' filter

through an 'i'm trying to find the answer to lives problems' filter

through an 'i live in the 20th century' filter.

no.

no filters at all. just read the story.

i wanted to see how it would change my life--if it would change my life.


i was flabbergasted(sp check?)


i was shocked and in awe of how the words of the pages came alive to me in a whole new way. i would read things and honestly outloud say "holy cow! that is IN there??"


needless to say there is much to be said about this. much to discuss.


like i said i fell head over heels. think about that...if my head fell over my heels, then i would hit my head right? well i guess i hit my head pretty hard. because everything about me kinda hurts and feels extra uncomfortable.


jesus has invaded my life.

my every thought, my every dream, my every desire, my imagination, my future, my every action, the way i talk, the way i look, the way i treat people, the way i spend money....

i mean i feel like this concept is talked about a lot. like the whole 'falling' in love concept. i mean picture a couple that is in love...they are crazy. they talk crazy. they look at each other crazy. and now that they have each other in their life everything about them has changed--they don't think about what they are going to do after college without thinking about the other person. they organize their day to make sure they see their beloved and not only see them but spend time with them. (or maybe they just stare at each other..not real sure but i mean whatever floats their boat....well as long as it isn't sin...ha)

ok ok the point i'm making is i feel like this. i feel like i don't make sense anymore when i talk. i can't think or live the way i used to.


and i'm not saying that i have never experienced this 'Jesus invasion' (as i have now termed it) i definitely have. he has been invading my life for a long time. along the journey of my relationship with God i have different seasons. different experiences. and this summer i experienced this. i guess this summer many issues i had been thinking about and pondering became real to me through scripture. my eyes are opened to even the tiniest ways i have been gradually deceived into thinking the way this world thinks.



why?



well because most of the time it makes a whole lot more sense to me as a human. i mean like i said when Jesus invades he ruins you--and suddenly you can't live anymore without Him. and its like i'm falling off a mountain. i'm taking a huge risk. like a boy who asks a girl out--i mean he is making himself completely vulnerable.



he could get humiliated. or he could be full of joy from her response. but he is willing to take that chance.



i love living life with Jesus. it doesnt make sense to the world around me. it is full of risks and challenges and joys and pain and laughter and tears.



i don't know what i'm doing tomorrow or next month or in two years when i graduate. but i know who is going to be with me. and i know how i want to live. the 'what' isn't so much important to me. i just want to BE. and live.

have a feeling of such urgency.

like deep in the pit of my stomach i feel an undescribeable stirring of emotions.

i want to do crazy things.

like just sprint out of my apartment and run...run...run as far as i can and when i stop. just soak in wherever i am.

i went to down to the river yesterday and i had to try so hard to not let myself just jump off the bridge and splash into the amazingly blue water.

i walk every day underneath the prettiest blue sky and the greenest trees and it just makes me want to scream or laugh or cry all at the same time.

i can see how all of this sounds very crazy but unfortunately i am very serious.

i want to live life.

simple as that.

however for some reason it doesn´t seem simple at all.

i don´t want to be constrained by anything. i don´t want to feel boxed in because of stupid things. por ejemplo: thoughts like "this doesn´t make sense", "there is no way this would ever work out", "no one has ever done it this way", "seriously emily, that will never work out", "emily the world just doesn´t work that way"...and so on and so on

i feel so alive. so full of dreams and desires and hopes. and some people might say that this feeling is because i´m 20 and everyone feels this way when they are young, like they can conquer the world.

and i refuse to believe that.

because i want to always feel this way.and i think i always will.

because its NOT because i´m 20 that i have this stirring of great and big *somethingnesss* in me (i can´t even grasp words for it)

its jesus.

its Him.

he loves me.

he loves me with such passion i don´t understand it.

i don´t comprehend how a God, how the God of the universe would love me. and every single part of me. he doesn´t keep a record of the wrongs i have done. he could care less. when the prostitute covered him with her tears and washed his feet with her hair, he loved her. with all her flaws...why? because she realized something the pharasees didn´t. she caught onto something that the religious leaders of the time were blinded to

she(the prostitute) was FREE.

because of Jesus. he had given her grace.J

esus came to give LIFE.

he came to show humanity a beautiful God who loves the unloveable. and He gives grace. grace. and more grace. in the times where i fail miserably, in the times where give up, in the times when i choose not to acknowledge him--grace, grace, and more grace. (Romans 5: 19-21)

ahhh to live in this truth, you are free. you become free to live.

and thats what i want. i want to live. fully. not holding anything back.

short story time: after having a conversation with a lady about my future and me rambling about what i wanted to do. I was speaking as if my "real life" hadn´t started yet, but that after some grand finish mark, then it would magically start. I would say things like, "When i graduate college...when i do this internship, when i get married, when i have kids...etc etc etc."she looked at me and said with such certainty and clarity, " Real life started when you woke up this morning--you missed it Emily."*end of story*

i will never forget that one sentence. it rings in my ears. everytime i choose not to seize the moment. every time i pass up an opportunity to do something i know for certain is in my heart to do. every time i act as if i am a character on some stage waiting for the show to be over and for me to begin "real life". this rings in my ear.real life started when you woke up this morning. you breathed in. and breathed out.

now what are you going to do about it?

this reminds me of the story of the talents in the bible. the three servants were asked to give their master an account of how they used their gifts that were given to them. two of them used their talents with boldness, not afraid of taking any risks--they were resourceful. however, the third one buried his gift. as i read this parable it makes me realize that God wants me to take risks. he has given me gifts and talents and wants me to use them.

i want to make decisions without knowing exactly what the outcome will be.

i want to make mistakes.

i want to learn.

i want to trust God fully and have faith completely--even if that means i will probably look like an idiot and not make much sense to the people around me.

why?

because he has captivated me. and He is so different from me! and i have fallen off the mountain--head over heels--in love.

ps(yes i wrote some of this while i was in espana~)

'falling' in love

its like jumping off a mountain.

having no clue when or where you will land.

not noticing all of the trees and sharp rocks and crazy wild animals.

nope. I don't care. why?

because i am in love and am overwhelmingly confident of who is going to catch me.