moving forward, not knowing where to go

it's that time again.

i'm pretty convinced that "I'm at another turning point..." is a phrase that might not ever be exempt from my vocabulary, but, instead has become an essential statement to describe life.

awesome.

although, while talking to my best friend, i realized something. if i'm always at another turning point, then, in reality, i'm just going in circles. hmmm. that's not really the direction (read: direction-less) i want to be walking towards.

well, neither here nor there.

i'm at another turning point. it is a vulnerable place. a place that has become quite familiar but no more comfortable than when i first encountered it. my job at IJM is over in September. i'm unsure of what is next, and, although, i do not want to be overly concerned about what is next, i am realizing that is inevitable. my nature bends that way. the way towards worrying, preoccupation about the future and fear with a little touch of schizophrenia.

i know my dear Father calls me to a different way. a way that is full of peace. a way towards freedom. i know he calls me to rest. i know he calls me to not be concerned with man's voice or man's approval, but with the Kingdom of Heaven. However, it is so easy to be concerned with the things of this world, even good things. i find myself spending hours that turn into days of pondering different scenarios of life, of "ifs" and "whens".

i had dinner with a good friend the other night. she asked me, quite directly, "Emily, are you more concerned with what you are doing than with who you are becoming?"

i didn't have to blink before i knew the answer to that question. conviction comes like a sweet perfume, begging to overcome the stinch and allow itself to pour over me. i needed that perfume. you see, i've been trained my whole life to care more about what i am doing more than who i am becoming. this world begs me to care. we attend colleges for a certain training in order to do a job. we move across the country for jobs. i am trained to care about what i DO.

do we as believers move to places, to colleges, to communities because we feel that by moving there it will shape us? it seems that this is usually an afterthought. Are our decisions about life based on the desire for our person, our soul, our mind, our being to be shaped more into the person of Christ? i want my decisions to be based on this. (obviously, i'm not saying that you shouldn't make decisions based on what you do--but, perhaps, put the same amount of preparation and thought into how that decision will change WHO you are.)

I want to ask myself, who do you want to BE Emily? Isn't that what this is all about? this life--be-coming more like Christ? showing Christ to the world? i fully understand that what we do is in direct correlation with who we are, but let's face the music--i'm most certainly putting the cart before the horse. furthermore, and more importantly, i want to focus my attention on WHO trasforms me, restores me, changes me. i want to pursue and seek after my Father. i want to know Him more fully. i want no other distractions from my one desire to know Him. no doubt that if i live on that vine, my fruit will follow. unfortunately, i'm concentrating too much on what field i want God to plant me in, instead of the fruit he wants to produce in me--regardless of where i am planted. (i'm reading Galations at the moment, hope this analogy is making sense...)

i say often that i am waiting on God. waiting on what? should be the question that follows. then the truth would come out. i would list a number of things...i'm waiting on a job, a place, a person, an opportunity, more money, a direction...

See, i'm a very silly tree.

Didn't i just claim that i was waiting on God? whom? God. ah, yes.

Him. God. Father. Jesus. Lover. Spirit. Speaker. Stir in me. Stir up WHO you have called me to Be.

alli rogers' song echoes close to my heart today. could you please pray that i will trust my Daddy God enough to be brave? pray that i trust his still small voice above the deafening screams of the world around me.

I will find my place
I don’t know what’s going on today
but lead me down
whatever path has led me here
I may never conquer this fear

But you have never left me
I have sunken inward and scattered out again
And you have never left

And if I’m brave I will find my place
Maybe courage is not all they say
Cause I have found
that the sweetest moment on this road
is moving forward, not knowing where to go

And you have never left me
I have broken down
and danced around your truth
And you have never left

If I’m brave I will move through fear
Through circling around and nothing’s ever clear
I will find my place, through jumping up and down
and I still can’t see your face

But you have never left me
I have run away and denied your name
and you have never left
You have never left me
And if I’m brave I will, if I’m brave