thoughts...

ok i have had a lot. a lot. of thoughts lately. (and i'm trying to unpack them and articulate them...but it's not working out so well)

i'd like to say more than usual but then i would be lying. because more often than not my mind is always this complicated/is always thinking/pondering way too many things at one time.

and so life goes on. and my brain continues to stress me out.

nevertheless, these thoughts are a lot of time in question form and often i just ramble and ramble in my head.

after studying in Spain for 6 weeks..and going back to Romania---i feel like i am on overload with all the lessons learned, all the questions, all the desires, all the love of Jesus...i think if i could sum up this summer in one phrase it would be :


i have fallen in love with a different Jesus.

i can think back on a lot of seasons in my life and they all can be summed up with some silly phrase... but this describes me perfectly at this moment.


it's not that i have never been presented this Jesus....my family is amazing--my family never showed me anything but love. and Jesus. (the real one--not the one that has been growing in my head)

the problem is i live here. i live in the world. and through the years little by little...hint by hint...my mind and heart and thoughts and dreams have been tainted--not an overwhelming amount--but enough to begin to deceive me.

this summer i wanted to leave. i wanted to get away from my friends, my identity here, my life here in general. i felt like i needed somewhat clean air so i could think. and i decided to read the gospels through--because my head had become so cloudy. between my own crazy thoughts, my friends thoughts, books i'd been reading, etc.--

i just needed Him.



simply Jesus.


but i wanted to read them from a non-believer's perspective. which is somewhat hard considering...well, i love Jesus. and i am a believer.

so i dived in.

1st rule: think, disect, read as if this was the first time i have ever read these ancient letters(and try not to recall any preaching/teaching i had heard on the scriptures i was reading)

2nd rule: train my brain to think like an non-follower of Christ--what i mean is-- read the stories and as best as possible without filtering them through anything.

through a 'girl' filter

through an 'American' filter

through a 'church-y' filter

through an 'im in college' filter

through an 'i'm trying to find the answer to lives problems' filter

through an 'i live in the 20th century' filter.

no.

no filters at all. just read the story.

i wanted to see how it would change my life--if it would change my life.


i was flabbergasted(sp check?)


i was shocked and in awe of how the words of the pages came alive to me in a whole new way. i would read things and honestly outloud say "holy cow! that is IN there??"


needless to say there is much to be said about this. much to discuss.


like i said i fell head over heels. think about that...if my head fell over my heels, then i would hit my head right? well i guess i hit my head pretty hard. because everything about me kinda hurts and feels extra uncomfortable.


jesus has invaded my life.

my every thought, my every dream, my every desire, my imagination, my future, my every action, the way i talk, the way i look, the way i treat people, the way i spend money....

i mean i feel like this concept is talked about a lot. like the whole 'falling' in love concept. i mean picture a couple that is in love...they are crazy. they talk crazy. they look at each other crazy. and now that they have each other in their life everything about them has changed--they don't think about what they are going to do after college without thinking about the other person. they organize their day to make sure they see their beloved and not only see them but spend time with them. (or maybe they just stare at each other..not real sure but i mean whatever floats their boat....well as long as it isn't sin...ha)

ok ok the point i'm making is i feel like this. i feel like i don't make sense anymore when i talk. i can't think or live the way i used to.


and i'm not saying that i have never experienced this 'Jesus invasion' (as i have now termed it) i definitely have. he has been invading my life for a long time. along the journey of my relationship with God i have different seasons. different experiences. and this summer i experienced this. i guess this summer many issues i had been thinking about and pondering became real to me through scripture. my eyes are opened to even the tiniest ways i have been gradually deceived into thinking the way this world thinks.



why?



well because most of the time it makes a whole lot more sense to me as a human. i mean like i said when Jesus invades he ruins you--and suddenly you can't live anymore without Him. and its like i'm falling off a mountain. i'm taking a huge risk. like a boy who asks a girl out--i mean he is making himself completely vulnerable.



he could get humiliated. or he could be full of joy from her response. but he is willing to take that chance.



i love living life with Jesus. it doesnt make sense to the world around me. it is full of risks and challenges and joys and pain and laughter and tears.



i don't know what i'm doing tomorrow or next month or in two years when i graduate. but i know who is going to be with me. and i know how i want to live. the 'what' isn't so much important to me. i just want to BE. and live.

have a feeling of such urgency.

like deep in the pit of my stomach i feel an undescribeable stirring of emotions.

i want to do crazy things.

like just sprint out of my apartment and run...run...run as far as i can and when i stop. just soak in wherever i am.

i went to down to the river yesterday and i had to try so hard to not let myself just jump off the bridge and splash into the amazingly blue water.

i walk every day underneath the prettiest blue sky and the greenest trees and it just makes me want to scream or laugh or cry all at the same time.

i can see how all of this sounds very crazy but unfortunately i am very serious.

i want to live life.

simple as that.

however for some reason it doesn´t seem simple at all.

i don´t want to be constrained by anything. i don´t want to feel boxed in because of stupid things. por ejemplo: thoughts like "this doesn´t make sense", "there is no way this would ever work out", "no one has ever done it this way", "seriously emily, that will never work out", "emily the world just doesn´t work that way"...and so on and so on

i feel so alive. so full of dreams and desires and hopes. and some people might say that this feeling is because i´m 20 and everyone feels this way when they are young, like they can conquer the world.

and i refuse to believe that.

because i want to always feel this way.and i think i always will.

because its NOT because i´m 20 that i have this stirring of great and big *somethingnesss* in me (i can´t even grasp words for it)

its jesus.

its Him.

he loves me.

he loves me with such passion i don´t understand it.

i don´t comprehend how a God, how the God of the universe would love me. and every single part of me. he doesn´t keep a record of the wrongs i have done. he could care less. when the prostitute covered him with her tears and washed his feet with her hair, he loved her. with all her flaws...why? because she realized something the pharasees didn´t. she caught onto something that the religious leaders of the time were blinded to

she(the prostitute) was FREE.

because of Jesus. he had given her grace.J

esus came to give LIFE.

he came to show humanity a beautiful God who loves the unloveable. and He gives grace. grace. and more grace. in the times where i fail miserably, in the times where give up, in the times when i choose not to acknowledge him--grace, grace, and more grace. (Romans 5: 19-21)

ahhh to live in this truth, you are free. you become free to live.

and thats what i want. i want to live. fully. not holding anything back.

short story time: after having a conversation with a lady about my future and me rambling about what i wanted to do. I was speaking as if my "real life" hadn´t started yet, but that after some grand finish mark, then it would magically start. I would say things like, "When i graduate college...when i do this internship, when i get married, when i have kids...etc etc etc."she looked at me and said with such certainty and clarity, " Real life started when you woke up this morning--you missed it Emily."*end of story*

i will never forget that one sentence. it rings in my ears. everytime i choose not to seize the moment. every time i pass up an opportunity to do something i know for certain is in my heart to do. every time i act as if i am a character on some stage waiting for the show to be over and for me to begin "real life". this rings in my ear.real life started when you woke up this morning. you breathed in. and breathed out.

now what are you going to do about it?

this reminds me of the story of the talents in the bible. the three servants were asked to give their master an account of how they used their gifts that were given to them. two of them used their talents with boldness, not afraid of taking any risks--they were resourceful. however, the third one buried his gift. as i read this parable it makes me realize that God wants me to take risks. he has given me gifts and talents and wants me to use them.

i want to make decisions without knowing exactly what the outcome will be.

i want to make mistakes.

i want to learn.

i want to trust God fully and have faith completely--even if that means i will probably look like an idiot and not make much sense to the people around me.

why?

because he has captivated me. and He is so different from me! and i have fallen off the mountain--head over heels--in love.

ps(yes i wrote some of this while i was in espana~)