love god love people

hope

2010-01-14T11:14:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been thinking about hope a lot, wondering about it more in the past few months than I ever have before. In the midst of studying the theology of "asking" at my church, I find it is quite hard to ask (pray to God) without hope.

But, to hope is such a fragile action. "Don't make me hope", I've said to God more times than I can count. "It hurts too much", I proclaim. For obvious reasons...mainly, if I hope and the thing I hope for does not occur, what then God?

But, I must also say that hoping is fertile ground and having hope is much more reasonable than not having it. Especially with a God like ours, whose specialty is nothing less than the impossible. This reality has become even more real to me during this past advent season. My wildest ideas, the craziest dreams I feel God tenderly drop in my heart, actually seem logical compared to this: a simple virgin is visited by an angel and told that she will become pregnant with a child whose father is God. Nothing in her frame of reference could have prepared her for such a pronouncement. It defied logic. It ignored the precepts of biology. It slapped the face of culture and propriety.

I pray to learn and know what it means to have a greater hope and trust in my Father.

Emily Dickinson says, so beautifully, that "hope is the thing with feathers, that perches on the soul--that sings the tune without words--and never stops--at all--"

Oh how I pray for that hope that God has perched on my soul today. I do pray that God would answer that hope. I pray also for the hopes I have not even voiced. I pray that I would have the ability to place those hopes in His hands, the hands of my Father who truly does love me and who desires to reward me.

"...and without faith it is impossible to please him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him." Heb 11

His rewards are great and I've seen them come in many forms, not often in the way I'd ever expect. Actually, hardly ever how I would expect. Yet, even though he might not answer the cry of my hoping as I might imagine I would want it to be answered, he answers in ways that I need and even deeply desire (sometimes without my knowing)to be answered.

let us be people of restored hope...

Thankful

2009-12-02T19:36:00.000-08:00

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

by e.e. cummings

wednesday meditation

2009-11-18T05:48:00.000-08:00

ah life.

days have passed so quickly...

so much to say, but to somehow keep up with this blog, I'll share what I'm meditating on...

thoughts?

"Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended, but one things I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Phillippians 3:12-14

"Dear souls, how little they know that the abiding in Christ is just meant for the weak, and so beautifully sutied to their feebleness. It is not the doing of some great thing that does not demand that we first lead a holy and devoted life. No, it is simply weakness entrusting itself to a MIght One to be kept--the unfaithful one casting self on One who is altogether turstworthy and true. Abiding in Him is not a work that we hav eto do as the condition for enjoying His salvation, but a consenting to let Him do all fo rus, and in us, and through us. It is a work He does for us: the fruit and the power of His redeeming love. Our part is simply to yield, to trust, and to wait for what He has engaged to perform."
Andrew Murray, Abide in Christ

the hood.

2009-10-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

From [biblical and] theological perspectives, the neighborhood is an important place by its very nature. It is home; the place we inhabit. It’s where God’s presence is most tangible and it’s where the church is called to be. We human beings are most human when we embrace the places of our lives from the inside; when we live rooted lives that respect the daily places that inhabit us and make us who we are. So too with God: the God of the Christian faith is the God who takes on flesh and blood and moves into the neighborhood; the God en-fleshed in our most mundane surroundings, forever sanctifying them as sacred. So too, the church: by its very nature it’s an embedded community that cannot exist apart from its most local surroundings. It is a neighborhood reality, a church most true to its character when it lives and breathes right where it is.

-Simon Carey Holt, God Next Door: Spirituality & Mission in the Neighborhood, p. 89

i'm less afraid to fail than to never try.

2009-10-17T19:17:00.000-07:00

i'm not sure i'm ready to do this.

update, i mean.

i feel like there is so much, but i'm not quite sure how to articulate it all just yet.

i say that i do this for the sake of those who read this (hi mom:)

but, i think (although, i hate to admit it) that writing here is beneficial for me too.

so, cue the music (preferably, this). quick update...

over the past 3 weeks, I:

*stopped working at IJM (international justice mission)
*moved quadrants, i.e. across the city (from SE DC to NE DC)
*started working part-part time at my church with a non-profit, The Antioch Group
*obviously, along the way, became obsessed with parentheticals
*started a neighborhood prayer group (really excited about this!)
*completed 2 wks of my training to become a counselor at Capital Hill Crisis Pregnancy Center
*started my new job called "Emily, wake up and Apply for Jobs (and don't forget to work out or you will get grumpy)".

Ok, yep. that about covers it.

well, in between you should throw in:

*weekend trip to NYC to see margie (=new jewelry:)
*lots of porch talks with my neighbors
*a few flag football games (as a player, not a watcher)
*mornings at the coffee shop with my trusty laptop
*killer house warming partaaay (thanks friends and new hood!) (=ed amazing paintings for our living room & too much pumpkin bread)

it's been great. it's been difficult. to be candid (and to steal from a previous post of mine that still rings true), there are days when I feel very happy and very content in life. Then there are days when I feel uneasy and desirous of everything I am not. I wish I could have a conversation with each of you so that I could more accurately and more honestly explain to you how beautiful, frustrating, simple, intricate, busy, exciting, troubling, painful, peaceful my day to day life truly is. Please don’t believe that my life is without fault and perfectly joyful, and please don’t believe that I am miserable or unsatisfied. I swing, back and forth. I do, however, attempt to pump my legs as hard as I can to swing closer to the joyful side of things.

My pastor said this morning that the trials we go through in life are the exercise room for our faith to be challenged, to change, and to grow. ("Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." james)

i really like that image.

yesterday, my friend mentioned that it seems i'm in a waiting room.

waiting room or gym?

the gym analogy makes me feel a bit more productive, so we'll go with that one.

but i like the waiting room analogy too. i like the image of sitting with people, of having them sit with you, learning about each other, listening to each other and patiently, joyfully living the in between. although, this "in between" feeling i'm experiencing is basically the epitome of what we as believers are called to live forever on this earth, right? we are always in between. we are in between being created in our home and going home to our creator.

so, perhaps, we should just assume to be in the exercise room 24/7, or sit in the waiting room 24/7, i'll let you pick the analogy that makes you most happy :)

well, anyways.

So yes, i'm working out a LOT. (not literally, but figuratively)

(is this post annoying anyone else? we aren't getting anywhere...)

(i'm sorry)

(i'm stopping)

(i'll come back, i promise)

~em

2009-09-16T12:04:00.000-07:00

O God,

Help me discover the gifts you have gien me and how to use those gifts in a way that is worthy of the giver. Help me discover something of who I am from the things that I write, whether those things are a letter or a journal entry , a poem or a play, a novel or a note to a friend. In those lines and between those lines help me discover how to live my life. Grant that I might live it honestly, without pretensions or pseudonyms, and fragrantly, with the aroma of extravangant love spilling from the brokenness of my heart onto yours.

~a prayer for discovery

Ocean City Triathlon!

2009-09-14T07:26:00.000-07:00

Headed to the beach again this weekend! This time, for something all together different than the previous mentioned R&R.

Saturday morning as I packed up my swimsuite and googles, I kept questioning if this was actually happening. (Mind you, the kid googles from Target are probably not the best to use when doing a sprint-triathlon, but in an effort to save money--they actually did quite well!)

I don't consider myself an "athletic" person, but I do enjoy working out and I like to make that a priority in my life. However, I have NEVER competed in a race. When first approached by Melanie back in May about doing a Sprint-Tri, I really didn't give it a second thought. Sprint-Triathlon? Me? That's just not something I do.

But, then I started thinking about it and realized that it would be a good challenge and would allow me to change up my workout. I easily am distracted and bored if I keep doing the same thing at the gym. Reason #1 I don't think I'd be able to do a marathon or even half-marathon. All you do is run, and that is very daunting. But--a sprint-tri? As soon as you are tired of swimming, you start biking! As soon as you are tired of biking, you start running!

So this is what it looked like...

.35 mile swim, in the ocean.
13.5 mile bike
3.1 mile run, on the ocean shore

Here is me at the finish line! After traveling on/in the ocean, the road, and the shoreline~

Here is the wonderful family and friends that convinced me to do this. They cheered me on the whole way!

Some things I learned:

1) They write your age on your calf in permenant marker. I'm convinced this is done to push you harder. I mean, it doesn't feel too good to have someone pass you that has 53 written on their calf.

2) Be prepared for changes. We arrived at the race and learned that the running leg would be on the shoreline (like, on the sand instead of on the road).

3) If you don't have a road bike, you should prep yourself to be passed by everyone. It's ok, there is always next time. :)

4) All technical skill goes out the window as soon as you hit the waves. It was as if I forgot all the things I did while training.

But, I accomplished all of my goals:

1) Do not stop!
2) Do not be last!
3) Have fun :)

It's probably safe to say that I have been bitten by the bug. I am already looking at road bikes online...

But for now, all I want is a big juicy hamburger and french fries!

date with obx.

2009-09-04T12:12:00.001-07:00

headed to the coast for some r&r.

could not be more terrified and grateful to have this time away. time away from the chaos (chaos: typically refers to a state lacking order or predictability--yep my life, check check). i haven't updated too much recently, but much has changed and continues to change. i'm not in a place to articulate it all quite yet, but stay tuned...

so yes, time away.

time away from the internet (save mr.bb), time away from job searching, time away from logistics, time away from the 8-5, time away from suits, time away from...

and time away to enjoy, to stop, to sit, to read, to wear t-shirts, to meditate, to soak up, to love, to run, to swim, to play...

obx, i have never met you, but i feel a bit like a 16 yr old girl on her first date, nervous/excited and all knotted up.

see below, my new 3 day home:

the fathers' house

2009-08-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

I've been house sitting at the Fathers' house next door. It has been a grand experience.

For one, they live in a real house, like with real furniture and real door knobs. I, on the other hand, live in a somewhat disheveled house, with walls that have been painted white at least 6 times and appliances that take about 2 hrs to explain exactly how to get them to work. But, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my quirky hill home. They also have flowers, and a balcony....which make me love my house just a little bit less. :)

So yes, our neighbors (two priests), happened to ask me to water their plants and look after things while they were out of town for the past two weeks.

Of course, I dived into Merton. They have all of his writings sitting on their bookshelf (!!!). I was introduced to Merton by a dear friend in college, and I have been constantly intrigued by his thoughts on faith and God ever since.

On my 2 week bedside table sat a book of Merton's poetry with brilliant commentary to follow. Below is a sample of one that instantly pierced my soul, surprised me with its relativity and soothed me nightly as I re-read it over and over again...

"Probably the earliest of this group of poems, this poem presents a series of natural “emblems” that are called upon to function as meaningful signs in a season, if not of fury, at least of emptiness and apparent deadness. The barren natural landscape with its hidden vitality serves as an analogue for the inevitable and necessary winter periods of the human heart and spirit, which are summoned to undergo the detachment and purification of naked faith, “the evidence of things not seen” (Heb. 11:1)

Love Winter When the Plant Says Nothing

O little forests, meekly

Touch the snow with low branches!

O covered stones

Hide the house of growth!

Secret

Vegetal words,

Unlettered water,

Daily zero.

Pray undistracted

Curled Tree

Carved in steel

Buried zenith!

Fire, turn inward

To your weak fort,

To a burly infant spot,

A house of nothing.

O peace, bless this mad place:

Silence, love this growth

O silence, golden zero

Unsetting sun

Love winter when the plant says nothing

Fire, turn inward

To your weak fort,

To a burly infant spot,

A house of nothing.

(note on Stanza #4: "Here the paradox of the “weak fort” (from “fortis”—“strong”) combining protection with vulnerability, both contrasts with the “steel” tree of the previous stanza and suggests St. Paul’s statements, “When I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:10). It is identified with a contrasting paradox, in which the “infant spot” is characterized as “burly”, a site of new beginnings, a lif-generating womb, that has unexpected strength and substance. This “fort” and “spot” is finally identified as “A House of Nothing”—apparently the opposite of “the house of growth” hidden in the opening stanza, but properly to be identified with it. Recognition that “the house of growth” must also be “A house of nothing” is the essential insight of the poem, the point at which the lessons of winter are revealed as a paradigm for authentic spiritual development: only by being reduced to nothing, by dying to autonomous, self-generated aspiration, can genuine growth take place. The concluding lines of the poem provide the context in which such a recognition can take place.")

I want to be a house of growth.
I want to be a house of nothing.

God, give me naked faith, “the evidence of things not seen”.

tour del sur :)

2009-08-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

road trip
3500miles

hilton head island, SC--beach, best dog ever, elliott
savannah, GA--paula dean, candy, talking streets
birmingham, AL--urban cowboys, tip top grill
daingerfield, TX--family love, romeo, b-laire, watermelon, rodeo, jesus

So long D.C. South, here we come!

my co-pilot

Mr. Elliott Daniels

theloveofmylife

Best pralines I've ever tasted.

queen.bee.

Why, hello there Ms. Paul Dean.

tip.top.grill

....almost home

Welcome to Texas, thank you Blue Bell :)

Just in time to go tomato pickin'

cutie

just a doll :)

yes, I know. It is upside down.

you know, just petting the deer.

playing cowboys.

momma loving

gurl, we are canning!

We LOVE Robin :)

sweetheart. :)

the gang headed to the watermelon festival~

yes, the hillbilly express made an appearance.

\
somebody was a little excited about the beads...

WATERMELON.

rodeo time

mis padres/themostamazingpeoplei'veevermet.
i hope to be like them when i grow up.

cousins!

family :)

ahhhhhh. dairy queen.

besos,
em

His Holy Pillow

2009-08-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

It is here you birthed me
My flesh, my breath, my self
To unassuming parents; broken, healed, redeemed, called children of yours

It is here you filled me
Your spirit, your longings, your purpose
Penetrating every part of me, infiltrating each moment, thought, and heart’s desire

It is here you changed me
Watched me continually, and continually still, bounce between
holding tightly and letting go
struggling and freedom
weary songs and joyful melodies
arrogant perspectives and broken revelations
empty, desirous of everything and overflowingly full

you are before and after and in between it all

It is here your voice came alive to me
The experience of love manifest
I saw your face in my momma’s selfless grace
I witnessed your mercy in my sister’s constant care

I heard your whisper in silence, in laughter, in daddy's bear hugs

It is here you invited me
to breath in and out slowly

to rest

to relax

and to fall deeper into your holy pillow

Honduras

2009-07-10T07:50:00.001-07:00

great op-ed on what is happening in Honduras:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124683595220397927.html

2009-07-09T20:10:00.001-07:00

proverbs 3:5-6

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline;
don't sulk under his loving correction.
It's the child he loves that God corrects;
a father's delight is behind all this.

i'm going bananas

2009-07-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

over bananas.

I like bananas and I eat them often, but never before have I been abnormally obsessed with them. They are an amazing food. They do incredible things, like make ice cream all by their lonesome. I'm serious. I know, you don't believe me, but try to trust me. I'll share with you just 2 quick recipes that you must try, and you will become a believer in power of bananas. These recipes have no sugar, no cream, no milk, no butter, no flour--and they are the sweetest and best tasting thing ever!

Recipe 1: THE Banana Cookie/Granola Bar/Best 'on the go' Breakfast Ever.

3 Ingredients:
3 Bananas (really ripe and mashed up)
2 cups of old fashioned oats
1 teaspoon of Vanilla extra

Mix all together. Feel free to add cinnomon, pumpkin pie spice, nutmeg, or whatever tickles your fancy to taste. In my opinion, the more spice the better! Drop into tablespoon size balls on a cookie sheet. Cook at 350 for 10-15 minutes or until cookie is lightly brown. *put in a air tight container and keep refridgerated--I like to spread some PB and sprinkle some extra cinnamon on mine~)

Recipe 2: Banana Ice Cream

1 Ingredient:
Frozen Bananas.

Yep. That's all. Frozen Bananas. Over the past months, I have found a dear love for frozen bananas. I like to eat one on my way to the gym or just as an afternoon snack--but this past week, I found out that frozen bananas are miraculous. They make ice cream.

Ok, here's how you do it:

Freeze Bananas (peel them and put them in a plastic bag in the freezer) Once completely frozen, remove from bag and cut up into smaller pieces. Place frozen banana pieces in a food processor. Blend for about 3 to 5 minutes. You might loose faith at first, but keep blending, just keep blending. You might stop a few times and scrap down the sides of the food processor and stir everything up. TaDa! Banana Ice Cream! This creation seriously rivals any new hip cool frozen yogurt! Move over PinkBerry.
*I also like to add a dash of cinnomon to top mine off* (oh, and you should be ready to eat this as soon as you make it, it melts fast. I haven't tried freezing the ice cream yet, so I'm not sure if it freezes well--I'll try that next time!)

Let me know if you try these or if you too have any simple banana recipes :)

enjoy!

moving forward, not knowing where to go

2009-06-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

it's that time again.

i'm pretty convinced that "I'm at another turning point..." is a phrase that might not ever be exempt from my vocabulary, but, instead has become an essential statement to describe life.

awesome.

although, while talking to my best friend, i realized something. if i'm always at another turning point, then, in reality, i'm just going in circles. hmmm. that's not really the direction (read: direction-less) i want to be walking towards.

well, neither here nor there.

i'm at another turning point. it is a vulnerable place. a place that has become quite familiar but no more comfortable than when i first encountered it. my job at IJM is over in September. i'm unsure of what is next, and, although, i do not want to be overly concerned about what is next, i am realizing that is inevitable. my nature bends that way. the way towards worrying, preoccupation about the future and fear with a little touch of schizophrenia.

i know my dear Father calls me to a different way. a way that is full of peace. a way towards freedom. i know he calls me to rest. i know he calls me to not be concerned with man's voice or man's approval, but with the Kingdom of Heaven. However, it is so easy to be concerned with the things of this world, even good things. i find myself spending hours that turn into days of pondering different scenarios of life, of "ifs" and "whens".

i had dinner with a good friend the other night. she asked me, quite directly, "Emily, are you more concerned with what you are doing than with who you are becoming?"

i didn't have to blink before i knew the answer to that question. conviction comes like a sweet perfume, begging to overcome the stinch and allow itself to pour over me. i needed that perfume. you see, i've been trained my whole life to care more about what i am doing more than who i am becoming. this world begs me to care. we attend colleges for a certain training in order to do a job. we move across the country for jobs. i am trained to care about what i DO.

do we as believers move to places, to colleges, to communities because we feel that by moving there it will shape us? it seems that this is usually an afterthought. Are our decisions about life based on the desire for our person, our soul, our mind, our being to be shaped more into the person of Christ? i want my decisions to be based on this. (obviously, i'm not saying that you shouldn't make decisions based on what you do--but, perhaps, put the same amount of preparation and thought into how that decision will change WHO you are.)

I want to ask myself, who do you want to BE Emily? Isn't that what this is all about? this life--be-coming more like Christ? showing Christ to the world? i fully understand that what we do is in direct correlation with who we are, but let's face the music--i'm most certainly putting the cart before the horse. furthermore, and more importantly, i want to focus my attention on WHO trasforms me, restores me, changes me. i want to pursue and seek after my Father. i want to know Him more fully. i want no other distractions from my one desire to know Him. no doubt that if i live on that vine, my fruit will follow. unfortunately, i'm concentrating too much on what field i want God to plant me in, instead of the fruit he wants to produce in me--regardless of where i am planted. (i'm reading Galations at the moment, hope this analogy is making sense...)

i say often that i am waiting on God. waiting on what? should be the question that follows. then the truth would come out. i would list a number of things...i'm waiting on a job, a place, a person, an opportunity, more money, a direction...

See, i'm a very silly tree.

Didn't i just claim that i was waiting on God? whom? God. ah, yes.

Him. God. Father. Jesus. Lover. Spirit. Speaker. Stir in me. Stir up WHO you have called me to Be.

alli rogers' song echoes close to my heart today. could you please pray that i will trust my Daddy God enough to be brave? pray that i trust his still small voice above the deafening screams of the world around me.

I will find my place
I don’t know what’s going on today
but lead me down
whatever path has led me here
I may never conquer this fear

But you have never left me
I have sunken inward and scattered out again
And you have never left

And if I’m brave I will find my place
Maybe courage is not all they say
Cause I have found
that the sweetest moment on this road
is moving forward, not knowing where to go

And you have never left me
I have broken down
and danced around your truth
And you have never left

If I’m brave I will move through fear
Through circling around and nothing’s ever clear
I will find my place, through jumping up and down
and I still can’t see your face

But you have never left me
I have run away and denied your name
and you have never left
You have never left me
And if I’m brave I will, if I’m brave

vague stirrings

2009-06-15T06:17:00.000-07:00

(excerpt from Traveling Mercies, Anne Lamott)

...A memory came to me then, of our pastor telling us just the week before how she gets direction from God in prayer; she said that when she prays for direction, one spot of illumination always appears just beyond her feet, a circle of light into which she can step. She moved away from the pulpit to demonstrate, stepping forward shyly into an imagined spotlight, and then, after standing there looking puzzled, she moved another step forward to where the light had gone, two feet ahead of where she had been standing, and then again.

"We in our Faith work," she said, "stumble along toward where we think we're supposed to go, bumbling along, and here is what's so amazing--we end up getting exactly where we are supposed to be."

But I couldn't discern even what direction to face. And I didn't understand why as usual God couldn't give me a loud or obvious answer, through a megaphone or thunder, skywriting or stigmata. Why does God always use dreams, intuition, memory, phone calls, vague stirrings in my heart? I would say that this really doesn't work for me at all.

Except that it does.

what do you want to say?

2009-06-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

what i want to say is stop. just stop and enjoy where you are. soak in the people around you, soak in the smell, soak in every conversation. don't wish you were somewhere else.

what i want to say is if you do wish you were somewhere else, then take the plunge and go there. yes, it will probably be difficult, but it will be a wonderful difficult experience.

what i want to say is listen to patty g. before falling asleep.

what i want to say is the grass really does seem greener on the other side. sometimes it actually is, i've found that it usually is not.

what i want to say is i wish i could eat an avacado every day.

what i want to say is read the psalms. over and over again.

what i want to say is knowing God is a really uncertain, joyful, frustrating, ironic process.

what i want to say is i really don't know anything. i'm just learning about everything.

what i want to say is i'm scared, of many things, but mostly being alone.

what i want to say is dance, dance often.

what i want to say is try something you know you will fail at. yes, something you might fail at--you might not fail :)

what i want to say is our God is a God of JOY, JOY uncontainable. This Joy erupts, it spreads, it multiplies, it is profoundly central to the gospel i cling to. This joy is experienced, is expressed, is fostered through many ways, people, activities, moments, thoughts, places...

what i want to say is good food + good people is one of the best combinations.

what i want to say is i wish i could live in daingerfield and in d.c. at the same time.

what i want to say is probably what you want to say.

what i want to say is life really is completely unpredictable.

what i want to say is i could probably talk on the phone all day long. oh wait, i do.

what i want to say is He is my faithful witness.

what i want to say is soul be stirred. soul be stirred. soul be stirred.

in the news...

2009-06-01T06:46:00.000-07:00

human trafficking news across America:

http://www.kvue.com/news/top/stories/041509kvue-HumanTrafficking-eh.d8efabbd.html

http://www.krqe.com/dpp/news/crime/crime_krqe_albuquerque_experts_target_youngsters_in_sex_trade_2009041420400

http://claremontportside.com/index.php?/20090413236/International/Modern-Day-Slavery.html

http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/news/stories.nsf/laworder/story/E0CC4539E4E174A486257597005AD3AB?OpenDocument

http://www.onenewsnow.com/Politics/Default.aspx?id=483924

http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/dpp/news/2_Charged_with_Underage_Sex_Trafficking_041609

http://www.thedailyaztec.com/city/eye-on-illegal-traffic-1.1715013

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2009/04/my-entry-1.html

Feels so unreal...Researching and reading articles like these opens my eyes to see the reality of what is happening around us, even in the land of the free. I am continually shocked at what I learn on a daily basis through IJM of what is happening in the realm of human trafficking across the globe and always caught without words to see what is happening only a few streets away from me.

Most likely, girls and boys are being trafficked and sold for sex in a city near you. Did you know this? I know this question gets tiresome at times, but how can we, normal everday people, aid in the fight against this injustice? How would you want someone to respond if this was your niece or your daughter who found themselves in this situation?

I recently attended an anti-trafficking forum put on by World Hope International, a wonderful organization that is doing great relief and development work all over the world. Obviously, this problem is very complex. It is overwhelming to see the multiple factors that play critical roles in this type of organized crime and thus make it very difficult for me to even begin to see how I can play a part in advocating for the victims. The forum brought together professionals in this field and concerned citizens to brainstorm innovative ways to fight human trafficking. I attended a couple of breakout sessions, one entitled "The Role Men Play in Sex-Trafficking" and one centering on research in Cambodia on sex tourism and the part pornography plays. [i wanted to run out of the room during this session, it was utterly terrifying]

A lot to digest, but I do have to say that in the midst of what is a very sad and unsettling situation, I do see hope. God's people are doing something and it's exciting to see those in bondage being set free.

If you want to learn more about human trafficking, let me know-- (emmaleeseybert@gmail.com)-- I, personally, am just learning, but I can email you about some great organizations that will offer you much more information.

reflections on love.

2009-05-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

So...we have been studying the different characteristics of love throughout the month of May at IJM. The journey has definitely been an eye-opening experience thus far...

Each day as we pick apart 1 Corinthians 13 I have been forced to pause and take a significant look at how I love, how I perceive God as love, and how I choose to accept love.

This morning we meditated on how love believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. We also looked at this quote from C.S. Lewis that has captivated me all day... just wanted to share~

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C.S. Lewis

2009-05-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

"Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently" ~ today's dove chocolate~

in between

2009-04-11T10:41:00.000-07:00

today is the day they waited

today is the day they longed

weeped unceasingly

wondered

probably doubted

sat together in silence

in awe

maybe in fear

appalled at Him

his image burned in their minds eye from the night before

his appearance was so disfigured, beyond that of any man

and his form marred beyond human likeness

not just any man

but their greatest friend

not any friend

but the friend who was God and became man

a man that became a brother, a father, and a lover to humanity

today they waited

today they longed

to see him raised

lifted up and highly exalted

they knew it was the Lord's will to crush him

and cause him to suffer

they knew he was crushed for their iniquities

the punishment that brought them peace was upon him

and by his wombs they were healed

but today,

today they waited in darkness and unfathomable sadness

to see the promise of yesterday come to fruition tomorrow morn

can you imagine the pain of waiting they must have experienced?

...if yesterday we died with Christ, then today we were buried with him.

today is the day of longing, of deep anticipation

yesterday i wanted to strive to feel the weight of His death, of my death

the death of me, of my sin, of my emptiness, of my unworthiness, of my loneliness

today i want to experience the longing of our rebirth, of new life

the waiting

the wondering

the in between

the pain of not knowing, but somehow believing

today, i ask for my faith to increase

back.

2009-04-03T21:01:00.000-07:00

How is it April 3^rd ? Anyone else asking that question…

It is hard to retrace my steps since I posted the crazy pics of driving for ~~days~~ hours from Texas to D.C.

I want so badly to stay connected with my friends and family back home and unfortunately that desire is not met with the right amount of effort in order for it to be fulfilled. I ~~want to~~ will work harder on this.

Forewarning: this post is going to be really random, I can already tell.

For starters, a quick life update is as follows...

From 8:30-5:30 I spend my time as the Receptionist/Administrative Asst., or the “gatekeeper/nucleus”, as some refer to me as, at International Justice Mission. It has and continues to be a grand learning experience. I don’t know how other people think inside their heads, but inside my head I don’t think I ever had an image conjured up of what I would be doing after I finished (really?stillindenial) undergrad. However, I can somehow say with great certainty that I never imagined that I would be living where I am and doing what I am doing. I say that with both wonderful amazement and hints of disappointments. Words could not express and I, myself, admittedly do not fully comprehend how my time at IJM has forever shaped me and changed me. I get the privilege to wake up every morning and go to work with people who love God. Love him wholeheartedly. I daily stand amazed at our staff in D.C. and around the world who commit their life in full service to Christ, who make unbelievable sacrifices, who encourage me to be kind and gentle and joyful in all circumstances, who remind me that God is faithful and trustworthy…I am awakening to a refreshed sense of who my Father is through the work that we do at IJM.

I am praying about what is next. Last night at foxhole’s (mi casa) roommate prayer night, I begged my roommates to pray for me. If I could explain “where I am”… I am walking in a fog. Key word being: walking. I haven’t fallen and broken my leg yet; however, that day might be quickly approaching. I am taking one step at a time and though the fog has not lifted I am not standing still (which is progress from a few ~~weeks days~~ hours ago). Please pray with me. As much as I would love to see clearly what will happen in two months or two years—don’t pray for that. I am pleading with God that I know He is with me and that in the midst of all the haziness that I will feel His presence. That’s what I long for. Pray for that. [Confession: If I were really honest with myself, I kinda like the unknown. I think I thrive on the times in my life when I felt completely blindfolded and God guided me to really random places, really good places. It is in the times that I am clueless and am forced to thrust all my faith in God that I feel most alive—that I feel the greatest joy. Funny that I run from that so often. Oh flesh, I hate you]

moving on…

I feel at home here. It feels weird to type that. It’s a very true statement, but again, I would have never imagined myself saying that. The biggest reason D.C. has become a home to be is my Church. I LOVE my church. I can’t go into great detail right now, but I saying that I have been abundantly blessed is an understatement. God has placed me in a community of believers who have wrapped me in their arms and I feel a part. I feel needed and wanted. God is teaching me pounds and pounds of Himself...it's getting a little too heavy--but I want more and more. I get giddy on Wednesday's because I am so excited for home group that night. Sunday mornings could not come often enough...

I am also excited because I feel that God has been tugging at my heart in certain areas and am exploring how to best serve my community here...

Just to share a bit...

My community here is so integrated and involved in the lives of so many in D.C. I LOVE IT! Concerning local missions my church has formed a non-profit org. over the years called "CareComany". Care Company's mission is to express the unity of the Body of Christ by demonstrating God's love and justice through Christ Jesus to those struggling with poverty in Washington, DC. We seek to mobilize and provide resources for churches and individuals with serving the Lord and love our neighbors in the city. It is through connecting the community, service organizations, and local churches that a more cohesive ministry will be developed to the glory of God and the transformation of the city. The Kingdom of God is already at work in Washington, DC. Our goal is not to create something new, but to help provide a greater strength in our service by uniting our ideas, resources, and efforts.

(Isn't that incredible?)

To get excited even more, my church has formed another nonprofit to concentrate on international missions called The Anticoch Group (TAG). TAG exists to create a communal culture that is defined not only by its institutional or demoninational life but by its missional life; not only by how it satisfies the needs of its members but how it serves the needs of others, particularly the poor and the persecuted; not only by what it asks member to do for the church missions programs, but by what it asks members we can do to help them to realize their personal vision and mission for the stewardship of their lives and resources for God’s world.We want to be a community like Antioch whose ecclesiology (what we are as a church) will be shaped and determined by our missiology (how we serve God’s world).

(amen!)

Needless to say, I am thrilled to be in the community I am in. I am learning so so much.

Other news?

I am a snowboarder. Yep, you read that right. For the first time in my life I traveled to the mountain and got on a board. You better believe I buttered that slope. (translation: I gracefully slid from side to side down the mountain~) A group of about 18 people from my church flew up to Maine and stayed at one of our friends cabins tucked away in the mountains. It was breathtakingly beautiful. I have never seen so much snow. This Texas girl was memorized at the window every morning. The best thing about the entire experience was the people I was surrounded by. We didn't really know anyone that well before we went. (which my enthusiastically extroverted self was entirely thrilled about!) As the weekend unfolded I began to see the body of Christ so clearly. It was as if God had given me 3 marvelous days away. Away from the city, away from my job, away from the norm--to experience an little taste of His extra-ordinary ways. We bonded. We shared. We laughed until we cried (only a few hundred times). We spent the last morning sharing communion with one another and glorifying our maker. It was simple and intimate. I loved every minute of that weekend...

I can't end this post without mentioning last weekend. Last weekend we at International Justice Mission invited people to come join us to pray. To plead with God to come and do what we know he CAN do. We call this the Global Prayer Gathering. People came to pray that our God would defend the orphan, set the captive free, protect the widow, free the slave, restore the weak and vulnerable... To our surprise about 900 people showed up (along with our amazing field office staff). Go here to see some video footage: http://www.ijminstitute.org/index.php/gpglive

ahhh I want to share much more about the GPG. An entire post dedicated to that coming up soon...

the bed is calling my name.

with all my love from d.c.,
em

2009-02-28T19:47:00.000-08:00

as promised....

photo journey to TX.

made it to the metro, barely (a journey in itself)

Crissa spent some time in the airport studying how to live the southern lifestyle :)

of course, cereal was our staple food supply. unfortunately, we ran out before we left D.C.

first stop: the big D--visiting my wonderful sister and brother

final destination: d'field @ 1 a.m.
i will have mom's utterly confused yet full of joy face forever imprinted in my memory

ahhhhhhhh i think i came home just to soak up this view. Crissa and I spent the morning walking my favorite road in the world and breathing in the crisp clean gorgeous air of TX

oh, don't worry, Crissa fell in love :)

6 years of cheerleading for the beloved Brahma bulls...really? yes.

sweet potatoes=best road snack ever

walking in Memphis :)

too bad we already ate dinner...

starbucks saved our lives

not to worry--we stole more cereal from momma

next stop: capital of country music

the newest inductees :)

crissa's first time to enter into the cracker barrel of the south

she was in awe of the candy selection

i found exactly what i needed. peeps. truly on my top 5 favorite things list.

we made it! miss black cherry carried us all the way home :)

we made rules for ourselves in order to not overuse the car when we can clearly get around on foot/public transportation. plus, i honestly enjoy the freedom of not having a car. so we decided to mostly use it on the weekends for grocery shopping and running errands.

confession: we have used it everyday. probably 3x a day.

needless to say, the rules have changed and we have fallen ever more in love with miss black cherry

I'll do anything for a story :)

2009-02-17T12:38:00.001-08:00

Saturday morning I woke up around 8:45 and mossied (word?yes.) down my 3 flights of stairs to the kitchen to make my fav. tea (today:goodearth white tea with vanilla). A couple of my fellow roommies (Crissa&Erin) were down stairs reading and sipping on some coffee. We began to discuss what we were going to do with our 3 day weekend...

Crissa: "Oooooh let's go to Roosevelt Island (sweet place to hike/run trails)!"

Me: "Sounds great--how do we get there?"

Crissa: "Ummm, we could metro and then maybe catch a bus...I wish we had a car."

Erin: "Yea, me too."

Crissa: "We could use my zip car..."

All: "hmm yea..."

Erin: "OR, We could buy a car on Craig's List..."

All: "oooo now that's a great idea! let's go in together to buy a really cheap car on Craig's list and then if it breaks it really won't matter."

(we are extremely logical thinkers. just wait)

(Erin searches on Craig's list. no luck. best result: bright red 15 passenger van. awesome, but not practical when you need to parallel park on our street)

Erin: "hmmm What about Ebay?"

All: "oooo yea yea Ebay seems more professional and reliable."

(Erin searches on Ebay. again, no luck.)

All: "..."

Me: "I mean I have my car in Texas...we could fly to Texas and drive my car back."

Crissa: "yessss! we could totally do that!"

Erin: "I'll look up tickets! Emily, where do you fly in?"

Me: "DFW, but I mean...really? you want to fly to Texas?"

Crissa: "Heck yes! This is the best idea yet!"

Erin: "The ticket is only $120!!!!"

(lots of screaming and shouting...)

Betsy enters the picture, slowly walking down the stairs: "guys...what in the world is going on?"

All: "WE'RE GOING TO DAINGERFIELD!!!"

Betsy: "What? Why?"

All: "We're going to get Emily's car!!!!"

Betsy: "Wait, you want a car to go to Roosevelt Island--so you are going to fly to Texas and drive Emily's car back...?"

All: "yessssssss! a;lsdkfjawoeifj!!!!"

(lots of jumping and screaming. i told you this only got more logical)

Me: "ok ok let's think about this. i'll call my dad and see if the car would be ready to go if we came and see what he thinks...let's go for a run and pick up some groceries at eastern market and then come back home to decide"

1:30 p.m. rolls around...Crissa and I in the kitchen all sweaty and making some lunch

Crissa: "Ok if we are going to go we need to buy our tickets now"

Me: "uhhhh....(thinking thinking)...Ok let's do it! the plane leave in 2 hrs we have to hurrrrrrry!!!!"

1:35 p.m. buy ticets

2 p.m. leave house for airport(minor detail: we find out a little too late that the metro is not working...)

3:30 p.m. board plane (with a few minutes to spare)

9 p.m. Anna and Steve pick us up from airport

1 a.m. arrive at mi casa in D'field

My mom had NO CLUE i was coming. complete surprise. she had woken up to go to the bathroom when i arrived home...i snuck in her bed and snuggled in under the covers. you can only imagine what happened next. her jaw dropped for a good 3 minutes...shaking...lots of tears...crazy laughter.

pictures to come soon. and stories from the road (all 1,221 miles of it)

the day started with wanting to go to roosevelt island and we ended up in daingerfield.

ohhh life. you are funny.

2009-01-27T07:02:00.000-08:00

"I think we ought to only read the kind of books that wound and stab us. If the book we are reading doesn't wake us up with a blow on the head, what are we reading it for? So that it will make us happy ,as you write?...We would be happy precisely if we had no books, and the kind of books that make us happy are the kind we could write ourselves if we had to. But we need the books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply , like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us."

--Franz Kafka, Letters to Friends, Family, and Editors

I'm a rockstar, I got my rock moves

2009-01-17T11:57:00.000-08:00

I walked through the door with a specific intentionality in my step, or so I thought, and 4 bags in my hands: my oversized purse, my change of clothes, my left over lunch sack, and my bag full of papers and books. It was roughly 20 degrees outside, and after a 15 minute walk in the dry cold weather my hands had lost feeling due to my awful multi-tasking skills. I repeatedly try to catch up with friends and family on the way to the next thing but with the temperature dropping everyday I am becoming more and more aware that my hands do not want to be outside of my pockets, ever.

So with my failed attempt to catch up with mom, my hands numb, and my arms breaking from all the bags cutting into my veins…I climbed up two flights of stairs and scurried in the door. It was 6:07. I was late, of course. It took me a while to get out of the office and then a good 10 minutes to clear the buzz in my head in order to start thinking in “outside of work” mode.

James was waiting to meet me. I had no idea what James looked like. I rushed to the counter and said, “I’m here to meet someone…not sure, though. His name is Jack, I think.”

Mr. big muscle man turns to me and says, “It’s James, not Jack, are you ready to work out?”

It was overwhelming. People were everywhere swirling around me. Spinning, running, stepping, lifting, lunging, sit up-ing, and moving quickly to the next –ing. Yes, I have been to a gym before. I go to the gym, I love the gym. It was just different for some reason. I guess it has been a while (like last May) since I have been in a ‘real’ gym with the meat market section and all.

Welcome to Bally’s. New city, new job, new house, and new gym. Ah, I sure do miss the good ole’ Aggie rec, but on to bigger and better things, right?

I thought we would go head first in and start on the treadmill running till I threw up and then do some crazy ab work and who knows what else. Nope. Nada. James asked me to follow him into his office.

I was sick of being in an office. I wanted to move. I would have done 1000 jumping jacks or the dreaded StairMaster or just about anything instead of going into his office. James proceeded to become my worst enemy in a matter of seconds. Mr. James reached in his pocket and grabbed a tape measure and began to measure every inch of my body. Then, he determined that I have ___% body fat. Really? Do those little machines really work? I don’t trust that electrical current one bit.

Suddenly, I’m depressed. I mean ‘Emily’ hasn’t changed at all. I’m still the same—every piece of me still there, but I definitely felt different. Ignorance sure is bliss. Then worst enemy James sits me down and wants to talk about what areas I want to work on. I had to clarify, “Wait. Areas of my body?” Yep. Ha. This was going to be so much fun. I didn’t want to talk about my “areas”, I just wanted to sweat.

Oh, James...he never gave up. We actually became pretty good friends that night, spent about the next 2 hours together. I started to like him more and more. I realized that he could simultaneously be my worst enemy and my best friend.

Bring it on Bally’s. I’m ready for you.

Note: I do not have a personal trainer. James just gave me a one-time 30 minute session to “assess” where I am. Every new Bally’s member gets this. Its fun, in a “I would like to feel motivated and humiliated all in the same moment” kind of way.

2009-01-09T07:05:00.000-08:00

"Do not talk. Who you are thunders over you all the while so that I cannot hear what you are saying"

-emerson

The Work of Christmas

2008-12-31T09:46:00.001-08:00

When the song of the angels is stilled,
When the star in the sky is gone,
When the kings and princes are home,
When the shepherds are back with their flock,
The work of Christmas begins:

To find the lost,
To heal the broken,
To feed the hungry
To release the prisoners,
To rebuild the nations,
To bring peace among people,
To make music in the heart.

And to radiate the Light of Christ,
every day,
in every way,
in all that we do and in all that we say.

Then the work of Christmas begins.

poem by Howard Thurman

pondering Christmas...a few days late, i know ;)

2008-12-30T13:54:00.000-08:00

truly he taught us to love one another

his law is love and his gospel is peace

chains shall he break

for the slave is our brother

and in his name all oppression shall cease

familiar song?

"Oh Holy Night" is one of my favorite Christmas carols! My sister and I used to dance to this song at church in our Christmas play often growing up. yep, dance. we aren't pro dancers to say the least but for some reason we gave it a try ;)

I can't even fathom how many times i have seen these words printed on a hymnal in front of me or projected onto a wall during a worship service.

But, this year these words have hit me quite differently, different than they ever have before. unfortunately, over the years, this familiar song has become all too 'familiar'. so commonly sung and hummed that the words i am actually speaking have gone unnoticed by my heart and mind. How did I just mindlessly read over these lyrics year after year... well, this Christmas they have come alive to me in a whole new way.

I sang this song for the first time this Christmas season about 3 weeks ago in our prayer time at work. As I sang the words unconsciously, my voice suddenly stopped at the line, "chains shall he break..."

chains.

my mind quickly traveled to the stories I have heard over the past 3 months while working with IJM (international justice mission). exposure to these stories have quite honestly changed my life forever. stories of slaves in India, freed. stories of tiny 5 year old girls who were bound in brothels, freed. stories of vulnerable women in Africa regaining their property and belongings that were ripped away from them by those more powerful than themselves.

chains.

my mind sat still on the thoughts of my chains. how grateful i am that i do not have physical chains on me right now. i could not once even begin to imagine myself in that situation. that is a world so far from mine...why God placed me here in this body in this place in life--i cannot quite fully answer. yet, indeed a form of chains exist in my life. how tightly my selfishness bounds me at times. how my desire for the pleasures of this world controls my mind and body. how sometimes i feel so wrapped up worry and negative thoughts that i feel constrained and consumed.

but then He came.

Emmanuel, God with us.

Chains Shall He Break...

it was as if i had never heard this line before, and it made me want to scream and shout and dance all at the same time!

he HAS come. he HAS freed me. and he IS presently releasing captives and the oppressed from their literal physical chains today as well--i've heard their stories first hand!

The spirit of the Lord is upon me,

because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives

and recovering of sight to the blind,

to set at liberty those who are oppressed,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor.

familiar words?

these are words Jesus quoted in Luke from the prophet Isaiah. This was the very beginning of his ministry, some of the first words he spoke out loud. I must have read these words or have heard them read aloud a multitude of times, yet, unfortunately they have become a little too familiar to mean much of anything. they hit me quite differently this Christmas. When thinking about Christmas, of course I think about Jesus...

HOW he came.

in the body of a vulnerable newborn baby. in a filthy barn filled with animals and horrid smells. he came to be WITH us. to be near us. to be beside us. to be flesh, like me and you. to walk the streets we walk. to be a God that knows our struggles and our pains. to be a God who can relate with every aspect of our lives. to be a God that does not stand far away from the chaos of this world but he brought himself close. he came to the dirtiest, stinkiest, lowliest place. he came humbly without pretense. he came through his creation. he was concieved inside of his creation Mary. he came to be IN us, to work THROUGH us.

he came to be Emmanuel, God with us.

WHY he came.

Jesus makes this so obvious. Sometimes the devil lies to me and tells me that God is an awful communicator. Perhaps it might be easy to believe that the God who created the moon, the stars, all the galaxies, the oceans, the wonders of the world, your newborn baby, my lungs, the forests, the billions of blades of grass, and chocolate oatmeal no-back cookies (!)...perhaps this God is lacking in communication skills.

no way! he is a wonderful , splendid communicator. unfortunately, i am an awful listener. or rather, i choose not to listen. but He speaks. and i think these first words speak why

he came.

to proclaim good news to the poor.
to proclaim liberty to the captives.
to recover the sight of the blind.
to set at liberty those who are oppressed.
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor forever.

he came to give us LIFE ABUNDANTLY. (john 10:10)

i am learning so much right now about WHY he came. i admit, it perplexes me greatly. it is basically insane to think that God came here. He came here to give me life? Life is made up of so much: physical, spiritual, emotional...and he came to give us abundance in each area of life.

i am asking him to reveal to my heart again Why he came. i am asking him to re-open my eyes to the story i have heard since i was even an unborn child in momma seyberts womb. this story of him coming can become all too familiar and that familiarity can rob me of so much. the answer to this question is so important to me. because if we are living our lives to look like Jesus (..right?) then the reason he came, is possible the reason we exist as well. we are trying to look like him, act like him, speak like him, embody God to the world (...right?).

so why am I here?

why are you here?

why did WE come into this world? maybe to be in the chaos.... to be with people in the midst of the pain of life. to be the hands and feet of Christ to those around us. God has come inside of me as a believer for a reason. he has inpregnanted me, much like he did Mary.He is in me. i should break some chains! I should release some prisoners! i should go to the places that might be dirty and stinky and lowly and small and not popular or prominent. maybe i am here to proclaim liberty to those living in captivity (both physical and emotional)...

hmmmm o dear all these thoughts about the deep questions of life...just roll with me

and go eat some chocolate oatmeal no-bake cookies while you ponder :)

in one week?

2008-12-19T20:10:00.000-08:00

how many planes could i possibly be on in one week?

7.

unbelievable insanity.

and how much could happen in one week?

leave internship program
graduate from college
see friends and family for first time in almost 4 months
start new job
train for new job
have no place to live
look for place to live
fill out 1000000000 forms/paperwork (exaggeration but almost accurate)
move all my personal belongings 2x
carry around the essentials with me in suitcase everywhere i go (when you never know where you will be sleeping...)

i am very very thankful. this has been one of the best weeks of my life. seriously! i could write a book of all the hilarity. i lay in bed and laugh out loud at the unpredictable misfortunes and wipe away tears with thoughts of all the wonderful blessings.

flying home to Texas again tomorrow (: smile smile smile :)

"But he is singular and sovereign. Who can argue with him?
He does what he wants, when he wants to.
He'll complete in detail what he's decided about me,
and whatever else he determines to do." [job 23:13-16--the message]

On the road again.

2008-12-09T18:52:00.000-08:00

The tossing around of garments in the dryer. A warm pile of whites beneath my toes. The empty suitcase. Lotions, shampoo, toothpaste in the corner. What’s the allowable liquid amount again? I can never remember.

Travel.

Nice to see you again, although why’s it always so late when I prepare for you?

I leave for the airport in two days. That doesn't seem like too short of a time, but I am supposed to pack up everything I own here by tomorrow (i think)... And yes, my suitcase and my hanging clothes thing and my other suitcase now sit naked across my floor. I feel slightly paralyzed because I do not honestly believe it is possible to get everything out the door packed neatly in little boxes.

There’s something about packing at late hours that attracts me. Maybe it’s that I’m disorganized, but I’m not so convinced. I love the silence.

The time to think and anticipate the coming days with faces I don’t often get to see. Something about folding wilted laundry into perfect squares (Okay, that’s a big fat lie. There’s no folding when I pack. One and only one motion occurs: the glorified shove.) while simultaneously planning when it will be worn, around whom, and in what circumstances. Packing cards to give to those who I desire to write a note to. A really good juicy pen. if you don't know what i mean...the difference between a juicy pen and a plain old regular pen is kind of like the difference between a mac and a dell. the mac is simply smoother. you want to touch the keys. it makes you excited to type and work and produce something--just like a good juicy pen :)

I love the silence because my anticipation of travel…the people, the meals, the sights, the love…keeps me company while I pack.

Well, it's off to Texas for only a few short days. but a few days that I will cherish every minute of...

off to graduate from college

to see friends and family

to breath in the, dare I say 'beloved' Aggieland air

to squeeze my Daddy's neck

to snuggle with my Momma on the couch

Oh Praise the Lord! I thought I'd never say it...

Texas, my Texas, I'm coming home to you.

the city that never sleeps :)

2008-12-05T18:09:00.000-08:00

is it too late to update about Thanksgiving...?

i know i'm a week late but i went to New York City and wanted to share! I traveled with fellow IJM staff and interns...we stayed in a hostel and roamed the city for 4 days :)

a quick pictorial history of my time in the BIG APPLE!

i've watched this on TV for years and it was so much fun to see it in person!

we woke left around 5:30 to stake out a good spot on the curb! Four hours, a hundred oversized balloons and teenage starts later...we were exhausted!

We found a real authentic Mexican food stand on the side of the road near 5th Avenue...the cooks were from Puebla and it was phenomenal (and cheap!)

spent the next morning in central park playing in the leaves!

i found my new yogurt love. pink berry! i had heard all about it and finally got to try it!

New York Stock Exchange!

We walked across the Brooklyn Bridge!

New York City!

famous magnolia cupcakes (...although i had never heard of them before...)

This was my first Thanksgiving away from home....although NYC was an incredible experience, it comes in second place to good ole Daingerfield in my book.

i'm pretty sure i first tasted homesickness when these two girls came to visit me...

My big sis and friend Whitney came to la capital just deep enough into my internship to kinda make me wish i could jump on the plane with them...

I am very excited to come home, yet I am also very sad to leave.

This next week is full. future life/job decisions will be made, i will attend the IJM D.C. banquet and say goodbye to my fellow interns who have become my dear friends, i will move back to Texas on Friday and see friends and family i haven't seen for 4 months, on then on Saturday i will graduate from college...

yep, full week :)

a quick summary of sorts

2008-11-17T20:56:00.000-08:00

ok. i have been an awful blogger. i find that it is often truly hard to keep up with a blog if your life is crazy.

my life is crazy.

but i love it and am definitely not complaining--i just wish i could capture it all so i won't ever forget it

a few of the hightlights from my recent past...

election night in D.C.:

understandably unforgettable.

north carolina trip:

6.5 hrs in the passenger seat with margie.

jack's 'trucker' mix

elliott's country hits

hotel beds=incredible.

jacks first football game

=pure nostalgia

side note:
i love football and probably could not put into words how much high school football holds a little place deep in my heart. the smell of nachos and sweat and hot chocoloate. the sounds of boys running into each other. the sudden shouting outbursts of dads. the quick gasp from moms. the cheerleaders jumping and climbing on top of each other. stadium seating. tailgating. little boys running around in football jerseys. ahhh i just love it.
Davidson football, you touched that spot....thank you MB

tailgating with mark and trailmix--possibly the most memorable tailgating experience :)

gourmet mexican food. ahhmazing.

meeting the hometown football and basketball heros.

brunch on main street at 'toast'

6.5 hrs in the passenger seat on the way back with Margie

sweet tea at quiznos

IJM Board Meeting Dinner

i cried way too much. i wish that i could have bottled it up and given that night as a gift to everyone i love and want to know and deeply understand the work of IJM.

i have never been more proud to be a part of something

Sunday Lunch

ahhhhhhhhh. extremely movie-esk (word?)

true refreshment.

Thanksgiving spread, British style.

4 hours hearing the story of God's faithfulness and love

i am too blessed.

died my hair.

dark.

Future planning...

"By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed by going out to a place which he was to receive for an inheritance; and he went out, not knowing where he was going."
hebrews 11:8

if it was good enough for Abraham, it is good enough for me.

vote.

2008-11-02T13:49:00.000-08:00

its funny to live in D.C. in the midst of what some would say the most interesting and most meaningful election to date.

i have seen and heard many things. many many things.

i have eavesdropped on conversations i probably shouldn't have, and i have heard things i wished i would have never heard.

i have been in conversations that have lifted my spirits and in some that have caused me to have to swallow vomit.

i have learned so much from engaging in dialogue with people who sit probably on every side of the fence you can imagine (i have found there are like a million sides to the fence...)

i do have opinions but i don't want to share them here.

however, i do want to share this because it made me smile and it will probably make you smile too.

i'm technology illiterate and have no idea how to post the video...but you can just follow the link :)

what is your response?

2008-10-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

Friday night i went to watch a new documentary that was recently released named "Call and Response." This project was created by a musician named Justin Dillon. Justin found inspiration to create this film when he unexpectedly came face to face with the truth of slavery in our world. He found out the overwhelming fact that there are approximately 27 million slaves are in our world today.

today.

in our world.

i have to admit, i really had no idea what to expect when i sat down in my chair friday night at the cute little draft house theater in virginia. i had watched the trailer and it completely blew me away. i knew that this film would be unlike any other i had ever seen. i, myself, have become increasingly enlightened about the truth of this pain and oppression happening in our world over the past couple of years. i have seen things first hand in romania and mexico that, on many days, i wish i could erase from my mind...and i had no clue how the film would tackle the issues.

'Call + Response' has been deemed a sort of "rockumentary" because of its marvelous cast of musicians. Justin used his influence within the music scene to ask many artists to contribute to this collaborative response against the injustice. some of the artists involved were Moby, Switchfoot, Natasha Bedingfield, Talib Kweli, Five For Fighting and many others.

my favorite song was by imogen heap. it left me feeling breathless.

Even more than all the great music was true content about the three types of slavery that exist today: Sex Trafficking, Forced Labor, and Child Soldiers.

"Call + Response goes deep undercover where slavery is thriving from the child brothels of Cambodia to the slave brick kilns of rural India to reveal that in 2007, Slave Traders made more money than Google, Nike and Starbucks combined."

Throughout the film advocates and abolitionists were interviewed concerning the issue of slavery. Dr. Cornel West (who was phenomenal!), Madeleine Albright, Daryl Hannah, Julia Ormond, Ashley Judd, Nicholas Kristof, Gary Haugen (founder of International Justice Mission) and many other prominent political and cultural figures offered first hand accounts of the 21st century slave trade.

one of the most compelling parts in my mind was the recount of the story of William Wilberforce and his fight to end the british slave trade...an incredible awe-inspiring story.

i know that this film could possibly leave you feeling devastated and helpless. it is hard to hear this information and not feel a heavy weight of sadness. though you will most likely feel intense emotions, my hope and prayer is that you will also be encouraged to reach out with compassionate action. i think the heart behind the film is to remind us as an audience that we CAN do something. we might can give 5 dollars (or much more) to an organization that is on the forefront fighting slavery. we might gather a group of people together and dedicate time to learn more about the injustices happening around the world. (i recommend 'Good News about Injustice' by Gary Haugen) we could raise awareness or fund raise by using our talents: art, music, writing, etc. we can communicate this message to our friends and family.

in our eyes we might not think we can do all that much.

but i can't help but be reminded of the all too familiar story of Jesus when he fed thousands of people with a little boy's sack lunch.

Matthew recounts the story... "As evening approached, the disciples came to him [Jesus] and said, "This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food."

Jesus replied, "They do not need to go away. YOU give them something to eat."

They said to him, "That would take eight months of a man's wages! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?"

"What do you have?" he asked. "Go and see."

"We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish," they answered.

"Bring them here to me," he said.

first, we see the disciples overwhelmed at the magnitude of the problem: thousands of hungry people. then, we see jesus simply not agree with their idea to send the people away. instead, jesus commands the disciples to do exactly what they felt was impossible. the disciples, assuming that there was obviously no way to feed the people, wanted to get rid of the problem. jesus seemed to have a different perspective. in the midst of their concentration on what they lacked, jesus asked them a simple, yet profound question...

"what do you have?"

he then said,

"Bring it here to me."

i think God is asking us the same question. What do we have? What can we do?

if you are like me, the immediate answer to those questions seems too small. too little. not significant enough to actually make a difference in the fight against such big issues as sex trafficking...

but what if we answered God's invitation to bring what we have to him. what if we really believed in the power of God, not the power of ourselves? what if we recognized that giving what we have today is all that God asks of us? God is the miracle worker, not us.

What can you do to help end this 21st century slave trade?

finding things.

2008-09-19T18:25:00.000-07:00

i have found my way around across the 11 streets between my new apartment and my new place of intern. It seems that every day the walk gets shorter, perhaps i just leave later and therefore walk faster…I'm not quite sure. Regardless, it has been my walk for 10 days now. My walk that makes me feel too many things all at once. i leave an apartment full of 6 girls crazily getting reading in only 2 bathrooms, trying on clothes, sharing suit jackets, waiting turns to brush our teeth, and somehow finding the time to pack a lunch. Then i run out the door, step over the entrance into our elevator, and am suddenly forced into silence; however, i quickly find the exit into the street that welcomes me back into the business. i find myself watching the people wondering where they are going or why they look so dressed up...then i realize they are most likely thinking the same things about me.

i have found the closest harris teeters approximately 1 mile away, but then found the closest Trader Joes at 3 miles away. bummer. TJs is entirely too cute (anna you would want to live there) of course i have found the market by metro and have traveled there the past 3 weekends. i think it has begun to satisfy my need to feel as if i belong here. i miss the good ole CS coffee shops that you walk into and feel like you own the chair in the corner with the cute little table because you've been there so many times. the sweet gardener that sells me fresh green beans and squash has become a much needed familiar face. somehow the market is the place i've picked to become my own, not to mention it's blueberry pancakes call my name every saturday morning...

i have found that panty hose rip a lot more often than you would first guess, and that blisters are common place here.

i have found a community of believers that have welcomed me and given me a taste of home. it really has only been a few short weeks away but without my closest brothers and sisters it can easily start to feel like an eternity. i have found my heart begin to flutter again on sunday mornings with excitement to be surrounded by family. although, i am abundantly blessed to find this family in the eyes of each face at work as well. i walk in between grayish white cubicles and find that even though we don't know each other--we share a common love, a common dream, a common passion.

i have found that the people who fill the chairs on intern row are people who i can not wait to know more and learn more from.

i am told that this is a perfect time to "find yourself". the quote of the century. "Oh emily, this is such a great time to find yourself." :) no, it doesn't frustrate me to hear that, it just makes me ponder what that phrase means exactly--or when i will be able to answer that comment with, "yes, this is a great time to find myself, actually i found her last week and now we know each other quite well."

i don't know if i have found my 'self' just yet (still holding my breath). i don't even know how i will know when i find her. i have, however, found that i'm terribly bad at answering the question of who i am or what i want to 'do'/'be' or what i am passionate about. i really dislike that i am finding it hard to describe me. 'me' is changing.

"Therefore, my dear Sir, I could give you no advice but this: to go into yourself and to explore the depths whence your life wells forth; at its source you will find the answer to the question whether you must create." Rainer Maria Rilke

sweet sixteen.

2008-08-30T18:47:00.000-07:00

1 week down and 15 more to come for me in in the power suit city of D.C.

many things to update on...

i have an internship, the internship if you ask my opinion
*more to come on this very soon

i am living with 5 new girls

i live in the northeast

i don't have a car

i am a guilty 'escalefter'

i speak Spanish in my apartment

i ran across the Patomac river

i own 7 business suits

i have a new obsession with the Wright brothers

i walk an unimaginable amount of miles per day

i met someone who might possible be more ok with casual mess than me
*(thanks and gig'em new roomie)

i wont continue on because this list could quite possibly go on forever and ever and well it's only been a week. the list consists of extremely frivolous things anyway... so for the sake of brevity and your sanity, i will stop. i do; however, want to use this to update the people in my life who have asked me to update. Although, i am never quick to do so because there is so much to update on and thus i am continually indecisive on what to type. not to to mention i sometimes don't really have anything substantial to type either...ahh the ironic love of blogging. but nevertheless, i will update. just for you :)

this will somehow get better, i promise.

Prison Entrepreneurship Program

2008-08-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

Any religion that professes concern for the souls of men and is not equally concerned about the slums that damn them, the economic conditions that strangle them, and the social conditions that cripple them is a spiritually morbid religion, only waiting for the day to be buried. It well has been said, "Any religion that ends with the individual, ends."
--Martin Luther King, Jr.

"What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, "God in peace, be warmed and filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." James 2:14-17

...can that faith save him?

i'm not going to even act like i understand or have this figured out. but i will say that i want to and i desperately desire to know more of what the Lord says concerning how we are to practically 'act' out our faith in our lives. in my everyday going to the grocery store kind of life.

there have been experiences in my life where i have witnessed the incredible faith of fellow believers. faith that compelled them to use their life, empty their entire life, as a service to Christ, sending them far off of the highly traveled path. faith that is undeniable because it is so apparent in their actions.

one such experience was my time in prison last spring semester.

yes. in prison.

for those of you who have heard me talk endlessly about my experiences in prison, I am about to talk about it more. :)

I went to prison a little before I started slightly keeping up with a blog and so I haven't shared to the blog world just yet....which provides another opportunity to share! why share? because i want more and more people to be a part of it and to be praying for it

---

a little bit of background: Prison Entrepreneurship Program is based in Cleveland, Texas (near houston). PEP finds the worst drug dealers, biggest gang leaders, creatively illegal entrepreneurs and sets out to teach them how to start a legal business by matching their ideas with top executives and MBA students from around the country, resulting in 98% of the inmates never returning to jail, which says an incredible amount when "the national recidivism rate is above 60% (conservatively), which tells us this: we need to rethink prison as punishment and begin to utilize it as a place to the end the wicked cycle of crime and addiction. The bottom line is prison has turned into a college for criminals, with felons leaving in worse shape than when they arrived. In an attempt to enact punishment on criminals, we’ve created a dull but comfortable holding tank where rehabilitation is more goal than reality."

So what does PEP do? "realizing that prisoners have a massive reservoir of untapped potential once expressed in ill-legitimate business endeavors e.g., gang-related crime, drug dealing and violent crime. PEP seeks to redirect these men into legitimate enterprises, leveraging their proven entrepreneurial skill-sets to inspire an even deeper change."

In short PEP is a four month business crash course where prisoners in their last year are partnered with CEO's and MBA students in order to retrain their minds and encourage them to be successful honest citizens. but PEP is much much more than a simple business program. "In addition to a rigorous in-prison business program, PEP teaches their overachieving underdogs essential life skills like moral decision-making, the importance of spiritual discipline, how to treat women and what employers look for when hiring."

The program was founded 4 years ago by Catherine Rohr, a person who I consider to be a hero.
I heard Catherine speak and decided i wanted see what she spoke of. i wanted to go to prison.

I signed up for MBA day unknowing what that meant at all. i brought along a friend for the ride and figured we would just spend the day in the corner of the room watching what happened during MBA day. (little did we know 'sitting in the corner' doesn't really ever happen in PEP...)

when i walked into prison for the first time i admit i was more than a little scared. i mean, it was my first time in prison and i had no idea what to expect. I had no idea that I would walk into a room full of the joy and love of Christ.

the story of redemption was all around me. i felt so much warmth so much fire in the PEP room located right in the middle of a prison... it was hard to contain the joy i felt.

my first handshake was with a man wearing a suit with a name tag that said "PEP Class VII". After i shook his hand i quickly realized that he had just been released from prison and had just graduated from PEP...i felt so small when my mind went straight to fear and judgement. as the day progressed i was slapped on the face with the grace of my God and how much i have to learn of it. how i lack the knowledge of how sinful i am and what forgiveness through Christ truly means...

i ate a subway sandwich with Brandon, who had never had a visitor before. (the next time i came to prison, Brandon had encountered God and received Christ as his saving grace) i watched men who had committed murder lay hands on and pray for each other. i critiqued business plan after business plan, but in the process heard the life stories of men who had encountered and experienced things i could not even fathom. i listened to prisoners sing songs of their hope in Christ. i laughed and cried repeatedly. and simultaneously.

needless to say it was an experience i will never forget and it is an understatement to say that it changed my life. i went back 4 times. i brought my parents with me to graduation. i fell in love with seeing the gospel played out right before my eyes. i honestly never wanted to leave prison.

never thought i would ever say that. funny where the Lord takes us sometimes...

i just want to share it with everyone. if you want to hear more just ask. seriously i will talk your ears off. or if you want to learn more go to the website and read all the articles and watch the news clips of this incredible story of forgiveness and redemption

http://www.prisonentrepreneurship.org/

[things that catherine rhor has said that will never leave me]

talking about going to prison for the first time...'everything around me was saying no, but the buzzing in my heart was saying yes.'

pray: "Bring it on God"--but be careful if you ever pray that, because it might land you in prison in Texas. or something like that.

if you are totally comfortable, something might be wrong. if you are moderately comfortable, something still might be wrong.

get out of your comfort zone and take action. are you willing to let go of your security blanket?

I came to realize that maybe everything i had, everything, was meant to be used to bring glory to God...

and what if i, emily, really acted like every part of life, everything that i have, every thing i put my hands to, everywhere i go...all of it. that all of life comes down to one thing...to know him and to make him known.

"You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me. I, I am the Lord, and besides me there is no savior, when there was no strange god among you; and you are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and I am God." Isaiah 43:10-11

"And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent."
John 17:3

i don't know where the Lord is going to take me. or what he is going to ask me to do specifically. but i do know that i want to use everything he has given me, my passion, my talents, my education, my money, my time, my love so that more might come to know his Love. so more might come to know Jesus. so that more will have this eternal life. and how with they know?

I have it. i show it. i extend it to my neighbor. i bare witness to who He is. believers carry it. we are His love in action. we are Him in action. we are His hands and feet. this restoration, this joy, this peace, this love cannot end with myself.

p.s. if you get a chance, go to prison. it will change your life.

congratulations ryan and sara :)

2008-07-17T06:44:00.001-07:00

i woke yesterday morning listening to my roommate Sara get ready for school. i just laid there listening to her brush her teeth. i walked into the bathroom we share and as i put in my contacts i noticed how she was just doing the normal get ready for the day routine. i watched as she breathed in and out just like every other day. she had taken a shower and put gel in her hair.

this was a normal day for her.

but this day was going to be different. this day would change her life.

i wanted to shout it to her. especially last night after we had a long conversation about wanting and desiring...about waiting and being patient.

i wanted to scream so loud, "SARA! this is it! it is going to happen TODAY! God is Good and he has GOOD things planned for you today. Ohhhh Sara! i wish you could know! I wish you could see what is in store for you today--all the beauty, ahhh the beauty of today!"

but i caught myself.

i wanted to shout to her, "oh, sweet sweet Sara. i know that last night you were wondering, you were thinking about the man you love and wondering what his plan is. I wish you could see what i see. I wish you knew that Ryan has a GREAT plan! I wish you could see that he has been planning for so long. that he is so excited to BE with YOU! ahh Sara he loves you so much. I want to somehow let you know so that you can stop loosing time thinking about this, so that your mind and heart can rest."

i had to leave the bathroom. i could not contain the knowledge of what was going to happen TODAY.

sara had no clue. no clue at all. her eyes were blind to the great story she was about to be a part of.

the plan was set and it was such a sweet and wonderful plan.

Ryan is in love with her. and has a ring. and a promise. and a love for her that cannot be quenched and so he has decided to ask her to be with him for the rest of her life. to become a part of him. to love him only. to serve him with his whole heart.

o this is too much to handle! to much goodness!

we both went to school. i was glad we both had school today--otherwise i would have burst with the news

i came home for lunch and shared some tuna with Sara. she was normal. normal sara making tuna. little did she know that she would retell every detail of this day over and over again to so many people, even the part about making tuna :)

i could barely eat my sandwich as our conversation turned to family and fathers and husbands and boyfriends...

i could see her mind churning, thinking about Ryan. and i had to stare at the ground to not shout to her

"Sara! in less than 3 hrs you will know! You will be reassured that he desires you and you alone. You will become aware of the plan he has been planning! your eyes will be opened to see! You will be overwhelmed with the grace of our Father, with His faithfulness to you and his promises to you"

eeek!

but we both finished our lunch and sara left to go back to school.

it wasn't too long after she got back home that the plan quickly unfolded.

I will leave the rest of the detail story-telling up to Sara :) after all this is her story. this is the story of the journey of her love for Ryan.

however, i can't help but see the resemblance between Sara and Ryan and myself and my God.

isn't beautiful that through people. humans who love and are loved by God resemble him and his characteristics.

I can't help but recognize his pursuit of me.

I wake up every morning to a new day. new mercies. new grace. fresh love from my God

I see the his sunrise every morning on my way to school.

I don't want to ever forget.

I don't want to lay in bed wondering if psalm 139 really is true anymore.

I don't want to worry. I am so tired of wasting precious time feeling unworthy and not good enough. why do i doubt the words of my creator?

He has promised me life and life to the fullest (john 10:10)

He has a good plan prepared for us.

i am so thankful that he continues to love me and continues to give me grace

it's as if I can feel him aching for us to know that we are loved. that his plan is perfect. that he knows every intricate detail of our lives. just like i ached all day to scream at sara!

and guess what... God IS screaming to us. loud through the people around us who contain His spirit. and His creation shouts from every mountain and every string of green grass that makes up our world

i pray we begin to honestly believe

i pray that I will honestly find my new identity in the love that my God has for me

2008-07-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

i have to share this with you.

first listen to this:

http://216.128.18.195/IJMInstitute/Unfamiliar_Passions_of_God.mp3

and also, i just bought this book on amazon and I'm on the edge of my seat to get it in my hands.the name of the book is "Just Courage" , and I encourage you to get it as well. i haven't read it but i'm willing to take the chance and say that both you and I will gain much wisdom from it.

go to www.justcourage.com

please read this...

Excerpted from Chapter 1 of Just Courage: God’s Great Expedition for the Restless Christian: Going on the Journey but Missing the Adventure

In different times and in different ways, our heavenly Father offers us a simple proposition: Follow me beyond what you can control, beyond where your own strength and competencies can take you, and beyond what is affirmed or risked by the crowd—and you will experience me and my power and my wisdom and my love.

Jesus beckons me to follow him to that place of weakness where I risk the vulnerability of a child so that I might know how strong my Father is and how much he loves me. But truth be told, I would rather be an adult. I’d rather be in a place where I can still pull things together if God doesn’t show up, where I risk no ultimate humiliation, where I don’t have to take the shallow breaths of desperation.

And as a result, my experience of my heavenly Father is simply impoverished. If I want to stay safe and warm at the visitor center, I don’t get to be with him on the adventure up the mountain. But he says his power is made perfect in my weakness, not in my strength.

Does this mean I need to abandon the things I do well? Do I have to let go of my sources of strength—my gifts, my passions, my training, my expertise? No, I don’t think so. Those are good things from God. I think he simply wants us to take them on a more demanding climb, where we will actually need his help, and where he delights to grant it.

My difficulty is I either would prefer not to desperately need his help, or I would desperately like his help with things that aren’t necessarily of his kingdom. (They are, instead, the things of my kingdom.) In both cases, my Father can’t pour himself out in power because I’m either not asking for it or it would be bad for me. So I’m stuck.

This is why I am so grateful for my experience with International Justice Mission (IJM)— because it gives me a continual experience of my weakness in which God is delighted to show his power. We are a collection of Christian lawyers, criminal investigators, social workers and advocates. We rescue victims of violence, sexual exploitation, slavery and oppression around the world. I started out as its first employee in 1997, and now we have about three hundred full-time staff around the world, most of whom are nationals working in their own communities in the developing world.The journey for me has been incredible, but by far the most joyful, exhilarating and life-altering part has been the authentic experience of God’s presence and power. I have experienced God — and that experience has come in my weakness. God has called us into a battle with violence and aggressive evil that, every day, my colleagues and I know we cannot win without the specific intervention of God. We are forced by our own weakness to beg him for it, and at times we work without a net, apart from his saving hand. And we have found him to be real — and his hand to be true and strong — in a way we would never have experienced strapped into our own safety harnesses.

In concrete terms, what does that desperation look like? For me, it means being confronted with a videotape of hundreds of young girls in Cambodia being put on open sale to be raped and abused by sex tourists and foreign pedophiles. It means going into a brothel in Cambodia as part of an undercover investigation and being presented with a dozen girls between the ages of five and ten who are being forced to provide sex to strangers. It means being told by everyone who should know that there is nothing that can be done about it. It means facing death threats for my investigative colleagues, high level police corruption, desperately inadequate aftercare capacities for victims and a hopelessly corrupt court system. It means going to God in honest argument and saying, “Father, we cannot solve this,” and hearing him say, “Do what you know best to do, and watch me with the rest.” In the end it means taking that risky bargain and seeing God do more than I could have hoped or imagined—setting girls free, providing high-quality aftercare, bringing the perpetrators to justice, shutting down the whole nasty operation, training the Cambodian authorities to do this work themselves and seeing the U.S. government willing to pay for it.

In taking on the forces of aggressive evil, we have found a place where we desperately need our Father’s help, and where he is delighted to provide it. This is not a resignation of my gifts or passions or training, but a deployment of those endowments to a place beyond safety, beyond my ability to control the outcome and beyond my own power to succeed. It’s a place where God is desperately needed and a work in which he delights to engage – for it is his own work.

2008-07-08T12:40:00.000-07:00

well, it is July 8th, and i don't even know how that happened.

after Mexico I spent a couple of days with my family at my sister and her lovely husband's cutsy apartamento and then headed home for a mere 3 and 1/2 days, hardly enough time for me to soak in the beauty that makes up my community there. however, I was blessed to go home for the of July as well. and for proof of a divine day at the lake...

(stephen with his prize* fish)

I am now in the middle of taking my last class at A&M. really? um. yes. and I am slightly choosing not to fully process that right now.

I am living in my wonderful friends' living room--which if anyone out there knows me at all immediately feels sorry for these wonderful friends...my suitcase and belongings have begun to invade the living room space :)

it is obvious that this is a time of beginnings and endings. and this is without a doubt a beginning of a different sort. I really am clueless as to what this is a beginning to. I don't know what will happen next. at all. whatsoever. I do know that I will be leaving on a plane in roughly 5 weeks, and that is about it.

What will fill my time?

What will I DO from the time I wake up till I go to bed?

Who will I be living with?

Who will I be working for?

How much refrigerator space am I going to be allowed to take up?

What will my room look like?

Will there be a church near?

Who will be the people around me during the day?

Will I really be wearing a business professional EVERY day? is that even possible...?

I would be lying if I said that I am not scared. I am. but somehow not knowing any details is somewhat freeing in an ironic and beautful way. it has freed me up to concentrate more fully on my time here in Texas. there is a reason that God has not revealed to me His plans just yet. I am here right now today and I am convinced and convicted that it is not to over think the future, even the immediate future that seems increasingly unclear. I desire to be present. Presently soaking in and appreciating my time with the people who surround me because in reality all i have is today.

"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?...do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. " [matt. 6]

...and now begins the ramblings.

I will be honest. as wonderful as it has been to come home. to be in the arms of my family. to cook with my mom. to watch my Daddy in his element. to sit on the couch with blaire. to laugh hysterically and then cry in the next moment with juliette. to watch and listen and learn from Sara.

it has been hard recently.

it is not easy to be here in complete comfort after Jesus carried me on an adventure of witnessing needs of great magnitude. i'm not saying comfort is wrong. i am saying comfort is hard because i forget quickly what I experienced and what I saw.

It is hard for me to even begin to talk about the orphanage this summer. I think the Lord allowed my mouth to be practically incapable of speaking in the past couple of weeks in order to draw me to talking to God. praying and meditating about my experiences has become second nature, and that is such a praise. something that recently I am overflowing with thankfulness for. I fail so often at praying continually. I look to people to understand me and the Lord is teaching me to run to him, to seek him, and to depend on him. he is my portion.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 16:5-11

what I am most fearful of concerning the future... becoming complacent. becoming apathetic. slowly. gradually without realizing it. regardless of where i live or the place i am--i never want to not see the suffering around me. i never want to become so wrapped up in my life, my things, my house, my job, my family, my money, my time, my clothes, and become blind to the hurting around me. I want to use my house, my job, my family, my money, my time, and my clothes for others.

but that is what the world around me is all about. the world around me screams at me constantly that my life is about me. that my life is about making myself happy. about being comfortable. about having nice things for myself.

I already see it happening ever so slyly in my actions. how quickly I turn from the things the Lord revealed to me only a few weeks ago. I constantly sympathize with Paul. Constantly cry out that the things I do are not the things I want to do. the things i desire in my flesh are not at all the things i desire in the deepest part of me. there is a war ragging. and The Way Jesus has called me to live is not a popular way. not a way that many follow. not a way that makes much sense to this world.

Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it.

matt 7

But Jesus called them to Himself and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them.
It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave

matt 20

There is a way which seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.

proverbs 14

Sell your possessions and give to charity; make yourselves money belts which do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near nor moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

luke 12

Assuming that you have really heard Him and been taught by Him, as [all] Truth is in Jesus [embodied and personified in Him], Strip yourselves of your former nature [put off and discard your old unrenewed self] which characterized your previous manner of life and becomes corrupt through lusts and desires that spring from delusion; And be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind [having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude], And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God's image, [Godlike] in true righteousness and holiness.

...Let the thief steal no more, but rather let him be industrious, making an honest living with his own hands, so that he may be able to give to those in need.

ephesians 4

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."
matt. 5

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
james 1

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you? The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."
matt. 25

i simple want to embody this. i want to embody what i sing about at church. i want to embody the way that Jesus came to show us how to live.

not looking to be on the top but instead looking to serve all

not loving others like i hate myself, but loving others like i love myself.

not buying things here on this earth that are devoid of meaning because eventually they will all be destroyed.

not placing my significance and happiness in what i possess.

not getting a job so that i can have more money and more things for myself. but working instead so that i will have more to give away. realizing that i am the hands and feet of my master here to do his will--asking always how much of God's money should I keep for myself?

these decisions might not be the most popular or the safest choicest to make.

"Here is one choice that our Father wants us to understand as Christians – and I believe it is the choice of our age. Do we want to be brave or safe? Gently, lovingly – our heavenly Father wants us to know that we simply can’t be both."— Gary Haugen

this is the way i am called to live. i am called to give up my life. i am called to die everyday to myself and take up my cross. i am called to be a servant to my God, to relinquish all my rights, to live using my talents, my money, my time, my love not for myself. i am by no means saying this is easy. it's not. i know because I fail at it over and over again, but I am striving for this.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't even know if I will ever live in Texas again. (wow, that's a crazy thought...) I don't know what I will be doing on Aug. 19th. but I do know that there is an urgency in my heart to meditate and know the way in which i am called to walk. because I know I am about to step out into a world that I am an alien to, that continually tugs at my flesh, that begs of me to give in, that is tempting, that looks so good and so right at times, but will always lead to death.

here

2008-06-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

I flew in tuesday night.

Wednesday I talked on the phone with my familia in Mexico 4 times.

I guess you could say I miss them a little...

bread of life?

2008-06-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

oh dear, I have so many stories to tell. I can't possibly begin.

one week has passed. and I honestly have no idea where to start. I apologize for the ramblings.

I think the best idea is to start with the beginning.

8 days ago today.

I woke up last Saturday morning at 5a.m. wide awake. I realized that I would have been on my way to boarding my plane to Dallas where, in a mere 3 or 4 hrs my Daddy and Momma would embrace me and I would be in their arms. It was a thought too much for me to handle. At that moment there was nothing that I could think of wanting more than seeing my family at the gate.

I got out of bed and grabbed my bible, searching and begging the Lord to consol me. Asking for Him to remind me... or, more honestly, perhaps reveal to me why I had such a strong feeling that I needed to stay in Mexico, because at the moment I couldn’t reach deep enough inside me to find that feeling again—it felt so so far away. The only feeling consuming me was the intense desire to take it back. Take changing my ticket back. Take it all back and close my eyes and be in the plane on my way back home and knowing that I would see my family within hours.

I found myself in tears and got dressed as fast as I could and headed to starbucks (my solace of internet access here in Mexico) All I wanted to do is talk to my Daddy and Momma and hear them affirm me, say that I wasn't crazy, and that there was a chance that I was doing the right thing.

But then my mind wandered and my fingers turned to these passages that I had recently read this past week. These are two passages that I never really can seem to understand what Jesus was communicating.

Matthew 10:36-39
“and a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take up his cross daily and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

I once thought this had to do with God separating those who knew him and those who didn’t. I once thought that this might have something to do with loving God more than I love my family. I once thought that loving anything or anyone in this world was maybe evil.

Well, of course I don’t have the answer figured out but, this passage means much much more to me today than it ever has.

I think because I just experienced it.

And I think it’s true.

My greatest enemy are those in my household, both family and dear friends.

I think my greatest enemies to my undying love for Christ are not evil things but are the wonderful gifts God has given me. Wonderful gifts that are so easy for me to hold too tightly. Gifts that I cherish and will forever be thankful for, but that I have to watch carefully because these precious gifts from the Lord can easily be perverted by man and be made idols in my eyes.

Jesus further brings this truth to light again with a short parable in Luke 14.

“When one of those who reclined at table with him heard these things, he said to him, “Blessed is everyone who will eat bread in the kingdom of God!”

But Jesus said to him, “A man once gave a great banquet and invited many. And at the time for the banquet he sent his servant to say to those who had been invited, “Come, for everything is now ready.” But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said to him, ‘I have bought a field, and I must go out and see it. Please have me excused.’ And another said, ‘I have bought five yoke of oxen, and I go to examine them. Please have me excused.’ And another said, ‘I have married a wife, and therefore I cannot come.’ So the servant came and reported these things to his master. Then the master of the house became angry and said to his servant, ‘Go out quickly to the streets and lances of the city, and bring in the poor and crippled and blind and lame. And the servant said, Sir, what you commanded has been done, and still there is room.’ And the master said to the servant, ‘God out to the highways and hedges and compel people to come in, that my house may be filled. For I tell you, none of those men who were invited shall taste my banquet.’

For all the evil that Satan can do, it is the gifts of the Lord that keep me from running toward him with all of my might. It isn't the evilest of evils. It is a field, it is oxen, and it is a wife. simple, everyday parts of life.

a field.

an oxen.

a wife.

a job.

a degree.

a family.

a friend.

a spouse.

It is our livelihood.

It is the little things I find enjoyment in that creep in and take over.

It is cooking, talking, meeting new people, traveling, shopping, sleeping in, friends, working out, hobbies, reading, internet surfing, coffee, movie watching, etc. These are gifts from God. And all of them can become deadly substitutes for God himself.

and i think...really?

could those things possibly keep me from running to the table of my Lord?

I wonder what the man who excitedly proclaimed how great it is to sit at the table of the Lord thought about the story Jesus told.

I'm sure he was really confused.

I mean he really didn't say anything that seemed to merit a parable afterwards.

He just got finished proclaiming how blessed it is for someone to sit with the Lord, to taste his way of life, his love, his calling...

Jesus was quick to respond to his proclamation. I'm guessing his response left the man kinda speechless. I'm sure he thought, why?...that doesn't make much since...why would anyone taste of the Lord and then choice other things in life over the way of the Lord? why would people not choose to eat at His banquet? and especially just because of an oxen...or a field...or a wife...?

or perhaps, this man knew very well what Jesus was communicating. Maybe he knew all too well. Maybe as he was sitting and being and learning and relaxing and choicing the Lord... really in his heart he had things, not evil things, but things that had become idols to him. And if the next day the Lord would invite him to dinner, he might have been too busy with his field. and so he wouldn't come. and maybe Jesus knew what was in his heart.

or maybe none of that is actually what was happening. i'm just imagining. but I can only imagine what the man sitting next to Jesus thought after that parable.

“The greatest adversary of love to God is not his enemies but his gifts. And the most deadly appetites are not for the poison of evil, but for the simple pleasures of earth. For when these replace an appetite for God himself, the idolatry is scarcely recognizable, and almost incurable.
--Piper (Hunger for God, you should read it, great book)

I have spent the last week at an orphanage filled with people who have unconsciously been asking me every day what I am hungry for.

I dont really know how to sum this up...or exactly what I am trying to say.

there is much in my heart and it's not easy to communicate.

all I know is that I am feeling hunger pains to run to be where my Father is and to eat.

I have enjoyed some of the best food I have ever tasted in the past few days. (and i'm talking about food, literally. zoe and I were blessed with a chef this weekend. and a chaufer. and a private pool. and clean towels. and a huge bath tub. and a king size bed) It is a funny story, but I am thankful that the Lord choose to randomly bless me in that way.

but I am still hungry. It is a different kind of hunger. I am homesick. and I'm sure when I arrive in Daingerfield on Tues, I will still feel the pains of homesickness. It is a different kind of homesickness.

A hunger and a homesickness that this world cannot fill. I was not made for the bread of this world and I was not made for this world to be my home.

"I am the bread of Life"
-Jesus

"I've been feeling kind of restless
I've been feeling out of place
I can hear a distant singing
A song that I can't write
And it echoes of what I'm always trying to say

There's a feeling I can't capture
It's always just a prayer away
I want to know the ending
Things hoped for but not seen
But I guess that's the point of hoping anyway

Of going home, I'll meet you at the table
Going home, I'll meet you in the air
And you are never too young to think about it
Oh, I cannot wait to be home

I'm confined by my senses
To really know what you are like
You are more than I can fathom
And more than I can guess
And more than I can see with you in sight

But I have felt you with my spirit
I have felt you fill this room
And this is just an invitation
Just a sample of the whole
And I cannot wait to be going home

Going home, I'll meet you at the table
Going home, I'll meet you in the air
And you are never too young to think about it
Oh, I cannot wait to be going, to be going home

Face to face, how can it be
Face to face, how can it be
Face to face, how can it be

Cuz this is just an invitation
Just a sample of the whole
And I cannot wait to be going home"

-a song by Sara Groves that honestly echoes my heart.

I went to church this morning, and words can hardly express.

Like I said there are too many stories...But I am in awe of what the Lord has done. :)

tomorrow is my last day at the orphanage, pray for my eyes to be open to see and my ears open to hear.

amor para compartir

2008-06-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

amor para compartir.

love to share.

that is the name of the orphanage. a name that has begun to seep into me. a phrase that has begun to spark a lot of questions in my heart. a phrase that I desire to be stamped on my soul to remind me of the great love of Christ, to remind me of the way Christ has called me to live.

Last week I got to meet with the director of "Amor para Compartir" and talk with her about the possibility of volunteering. She showed me around 'Casa Hogar' where the children about 7 yrs and under live. I got a glimpse of all the little kids running around and immediately I knew in my heart that God had placed me here for a reason. I had no expectations or any real idea of what might happen. I was told to write a letter (in spanish) explaining why I wanted to volunteer and what I would like to help with. She told me that they were in need of an english teacher and I was welcome to come and volunteer every day from about 8:30 to 1:30.

Monday morning was my first day there. I bought some teaching materials at a little stand we passed by on the street Sunday morning. With no clue as to what I would actually be doing, crayons, a felt number and alphabet table seemed to be like a good idea to have in my bag.

Every morning the little kids from Casa Hogar are 'bused' to the other house where the older kids live, because there are more rooms there to have school. Every morning about three men come and all the kids pile in the cars, roughly about 25 people per vehicle. I sat in the front seat along with another teacher, each of us holding about 3 little girls. When we arrived there were the older kids ready to mingle and divide into their classes. After a few minutes of standing around looking seriously lost, I found my way to the niños pequeños class.

The kids are beautiful. Their eyes are full of joy and are a door to a heart that simply desires someone to love them, to find them worthy to be held and listened to and sung to and played with...there wasn't a moment that I ever stopped asking God why I couldn't take them all home with me.

Yesterday, when I began teaching/hanging out with the older kids (9-12yr olds) I noticed that their teacher sat outside and read her bible while I taught.

my heart jumped.

Right after class I shared with her that I was a believer. She hugged me so tight as we realized we were sisters. She has lived in the orphanage with the older girls for 4 years. When I asked her how she decided to and how it has been for the past 4 years, she simply answered--"esto es mi vida"

this is my life .

how accurately put, and how incredibly humbling.

I had been wondering for the past week or so if the orphanage was started by believers and hoped to find the answer to that question today.

and i did. :)

This morning was my second day and I wanted to get there extra early to help with breakfast for the little girls and make sure I didn't miss the car ride over to the other house. Today I felt like I belonged. Yesterday the kids looked at me as the unknown gringo, and today they knew me as Amelia. :) As the little girls were eating breakfast I started talking to another volunteer. She is only 13 and lives with the little girls as one of their caretakers. We began talking and we both shared with each other about our relationship with Christ. I began asking her lots of questions and she explained to me the story of the beginning of "Amor Para Compartir"...

There is a garbage dump in Cuernavaca.

There is a gigantic trash pile where many children live.

There is a smelly, dirty, ugly dump that homeless families and orphans call home.

I know that description sounds awful. It honestly feels awful to type about it, but this is the way millions of people around the world live, and it has become too far away from us, from me, for too long. I need to be reminded of this truth, and not just once in a blue moon when I travel to other countries. I need to constantly be reminded of my blessings. I need to be reminded why I exist as an ambassador for Christ. I need to be reminded what it means to call myself a CHRISTian. I need to be reminded what the heart of the father is.

A small group of believers saw this garbage dump and decided to act. They joined together and bought three houses. Three houses that comprise the orphanage, "Amor Para Compartir".

Today was their 5 yr anniversary, and tomorrow they are having a huge fiesta to celebrate.

I am on the edge of my seat to see what tomorrow holds. I have already become so attached to the children I cannot bare the thought of leaving.

pray for my eyes to be open to see, and my ears to be willing to hear...

a moment meant to live in.

2008-06-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

well life is happening in Cuernavaca and come to find out life will continue to happen here for me until the 24th of June.

yep.

i'm not flying home this Saturday.

Oh what a moment today has been. A moment of coming face to face (yet again. oh why do I doubt?) that He knows when I sit down and when I rise up, that He understands my thought from afar, that He scrutinizes my path and my lying down, and is intimately acquainted with all my ways, that even before there is a word on my tongue, He knows it all-- these are moments built for me to dwell in, and to continuously live in.

I have made plans. remade plans. and yet again remade plans. (which should really teach me not to trust my planning so much) meaning I have changed my return flight ticket twice now, first thinking that I only needed to stay for 4 weeks because I found out I only needed two classes--therefore the logical thing to do would be cut my 6 weeks stay in Mexico short and make it only 4 weeks. and I'm a logical person, therefore I changed my ticket as soon as I found out this news. Then I very unexpectedly fell in love. with what I'm not entirely certain. I don't have a one liner answer but nevertheless I knew when I felt the stinging in my heart about a week ago that Saturday the 14th was not the day I would leave. reason? not really sure I have a reason, at least not a satisfactory one for my flesh at the moment. My flesh thinks I am slightly crazy. ok, really crazy. but then an opportunity landed in my lap. of course it would.

I will be volunteering at a local orphanage here in Cuernavaca. Sparing all the details, I spoke with the director on the phone on monday (in Spanish--very stretching experience) and she excitedly told me I am welcome to come and work and even possibly teach some english classes for the children. and. my heart burst.

new flight: June 24th. 10 more days in Mexico. I will be done with classes this Friday and start working at the orphanage as soon as i possibly can. please pray for this opportunity. I will be meeting with the director tomorrow at the orphanage, pray that the Lord would provide a situation for me to be used to spread his love to these children. pray for my emotions, my attitude, and my mind as these next few days pass and this all unfolds.

I am not sure if I understand faith as Jesus spoke of it. I claim that I cling to this 'faith' but in practice fall short of grasping what Faith is. I have heard of faith as jumping into the unknown, or as the definition Hebrews gives being sure of what we hope for and certain of things we do not see. I have heard many things about faith through the stories of Paul and of the desciples, but living and experiencing faith is rare it seems and difficult to identify. pray that the Lord would penetrate me with faith. faith in the hope of Christ, and faith that he is leading me.

In other news: classes have continued. I am becoming more comfortable with the language, but don't worry, I definitely still get the deer in the headlights look from several people a day. also, the dog around the corner of the block doesn't bark at me anymore when I go jogging. we have become friends, which is a great achievement because the 'block' takes me about 2 minutes to run around--therefore the dog really never would stop barking. but now I can actually hear my wonderful ipod music instead of the dog. I also have become addicted to limes. limes are everywhere and in everything. for instance, mayonesa and packages of peanuts. and anything you eat anywere, it is known that you will squeeze lime juice on it.

I want to share some fun pictures! I am glad and rejoice that my God has given his children life and life more abudantly. There are many stories tucked away in my mind that I desperately wish I possessed the ability to translate them into words...

enrique loves helado :)

um. yes. just about the cutest thing ever. i find myself in a awkward situation almost daily when I tell people how much I wish I had a little boy from mexico.

Girls night out! (plus Enrique)

Dinner at Chili's!

my obsession with the mumu continues...romeo i hope you like the one beautiful handmade one i'm wearing cuz it is coming home to you!

Zoe got her hair cut! and it's super cute!

so i didn't bring salsa shoes and, honestly, I enjoy the tennie shoe look much better. however, after walking out of my room like this , mi madre y hermana simply wouldn't have me salsa dancing in tennie shoes or anything other than heals...therefore I now borrow madre's black neutralizers for dancing--comfy and mom-ish but considering everyone else here is about 1ft shorter than me and wears a size 5 shoe they will have to work ;)

Our local friends took Zoe, Amanda, Samantha, and I on a trip to Tequesquitengo for a day at the lake!

and...Eric. mi primo. he is only smiling b/c i am jabbing him in the ribs, otherwise you would be getting his 'i'm very serious and never ever smile for the camera' face. he is our amazing cook, our comic relief, our movie watching and taco eating amigo, and has become one very dear friend.

and here is Zoe scaring Enrique with her Lucha(fight) Mask that she bought...ohhh I don't think Enrique has ever looked at us the same.

much love from cuernavaca friends and family.

hasta luego.

the day we climbed a mountain :)

2008-06-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

There were a few choices this past weekend for excursions...

I didn’t know which one would be the best.

So, I asked around and a lot of people had great things to say about Tepotzlan.

They said: “Oh, Emily it is so beautiful! You will absolutely love it!”

Me: “really? What do we do?”

They: “well, the town is in the mountains and you climb up to this place and it is just really beautiful… and there is a really neat flea marcado!”

Me: “Sweet! sounds cool.”

Why not? this was the cheapest excursion. only $20. sounds great!

Sunday morning we got on a bus and starting riding through the mountains…

We had a wonderful tour guide. He was so helpful and full of information about the history of the people of Mexico.

When we arrived at Tepotzlan we first went to the Monastery museum.

As we were looking out of the second story window of the museum...

the sweet Tour guide said, “Ok now we will start our journey up this mountain.”

Me and Zoë: “ How cool! What we are going to climb?”

um.

yea.

exactly what we thought.

THAT mountain! Are you out of your mind?

we found out quick that he wasn’t joking. we also found out it would take about 45 minutes to climp up and 45 min to climb down—and that is only IF you are in shape.

45 minutes seemed like a hopeful thought to me…and come to find out it was hopeful.

If you look closely at the picture I tried to circle the temple we climbed up to

Here is Zoë about halfway up :)

and me about 20 minutes up the mountain

it was so much fun i promise! dont concentrate on how extremely exhausted i look

we lost a few on the way up, but Zoe and I finally made it to the top!

lets just say we got a fantastic workout in, and i might just pick up mountain climbing in the future :)

taste and see

2008-05-31T12:49:00.000-07:00

Whither shall I go from they Spirit? or whither shall I flee from they presence? (psalm 139:7)

There isnt a place that He isnt. The spirit of God, his presence is all around us, embracing us...waiting for us, waiting for me to recognize it.

this week has been a week of recognition. recognition that, surely the Lord was in this place and i knew it not. (i sympathize with jacob in genesis28). a recognition that every moment, every activity, every conversation is an oppotunity to taste and see that the Lord is good.

as i sit in a small cubby hole in the third floor laundry room of my sweet host family i have so much to say and so few words.

i can say that i have found joy in my experiences here. and i am grateful.

i can say that living in the reality God, of His eternity, regardless of where my physically body is has become my greatest desire.

i have met people who have developed into dear friends.

i have found that i absolutely love tacos.

i have seen and experienced the bus trip to the Silver capital of the World.

i have become an addict when it comes to anything salsa related. i have two weeks left and that means only 14 hrs/10 days left of salsa lessons. estoy muy emocionada (very excited, mom)

i have finished my Culture and Civilization class. in which i overcame a lot of fears relating to my spanish speaking abilities...and realized new ones.

i have found again that people, no matter what language they speak or what country they live in, are a lot alike.

i have a new appreciation for HEB :)

i have found i would much rather sit at home with the fam, than fall asleep at a discoteca with amanda at 5a.m. (dont worry mom we are safe and sound...just a little tired)

i have seen the hunger in the eyes of everyone around me for something more than this world.

i have found that the movie theaters in Mexico are much much better than ours back home. sitting in the VIP section with reclining leather chairs coupled with a swivel table with a freshly made crepe filled with nutella and peanut butter...all while watching Narnia (a fantastic movie by the way) is a grand experience.

i have gained a new new insight into history, and a hunger to learn more and more about the past.

i have realized yet again the nessesity for me to have an answer for the hope that i call my own.

I have found that His whole universe is alive with His life....

vida en México!

2008-05-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

ok wow.

It has been a whole week and I haven’t updated. This is too overwhelming! So much has happened and I want to write about everything…pero no puedo porque no tengo bastante tiempo. I am going to write a mini diary…

My family here is more than I could have every hoped for. They have honestly welcomed me into their home as another hija. I have two sisters, Teri and Mari. Teri has a little boy named Enrique and we also have a cousin who lives with us, Erik.

(this is Enrique!)

Disclaimer: I am going to write sometimes in Spanish b/c it just comes out.

Lunes:

Today was my first day of classes! I am taking “Culture and Civilization” and “Lititure”. Before I came I thought I would be staying for 6 weeks because I wanted to take an extra grammer class but after being here for only a day I realized that it is actually better to jump right into my classes, plus I will save money.

My classes seem like they are going to be a bit hard for me. Let’s be honest, Emily doesn’t really speak Espanol that well, but I am excited for the challenge. I am in classes with mostly Native speakers and I know that there will be many frustrating days ahead of me.

Everyone here is very welcoming! After classes all the new students had a potluck dinner—each of the host mom’s brought a dish and we had dancing and lots of food!

Entonces,después del almuerzo mis amigos y fuimos al Centro para andar alrededor y experimentar un poco de Cuernavaca! Me gusta Cuernavaca mucho mucho mucho!

The people here have stolen my heart already...

Martes:

After school, my roommate Zoe and I decided to go to la galeria (it is like a mall) and buy a cell phone to have to call taxis and call our madre. We went with our cousin, Erik, and our little nephew, Enrique. We have had so much fun with our family!

Zoe, our madre, and I went to Zara and picked out clothes to try on and put on a little fashion show in the dressing room, although the clothes there are muy caro we wanted to try them on anyway!

some of the great fresh food we having been enjoying :)

Miércoles:

Fuimos a un orfanato con un grupo de estudiantes. (we went to an orphanage after school today)
The name of the orphage is NPH: Nuestros Pequeños Hermonos in a little pueblo a cera de Cuernavaca, Miacatlan.

This facility houses about 1,000 children ranging in age from new born to 18 yrs old (I believe) The facility is way over 100 acres and they have their own farm full of pigs and chickens and fish ponds, they harvest their own grain to make tortillas, and they have tons of fruit trees. The manure from the pigs is used for food for the Tilapia fish. The Tilapia fish ponds are found at the top of a hill and every 6 weeks they are ready to eat. In order to water their gardens they open up the fish ponds and the water that is full of nutrients b/c of the fish is used to fertilize the garden. Perfect picture of the circle of life

The guys at the orphanage are responsible for all the harvesting and it gives them a great opportunity to learn how to provide and work hard.

We bought soccer balls and lots of piñatas to take with us to play with the kids. We first got a tour of the orphanage and then spend about an hour hanging out with the kids. They were so full of life and personality!

Words really can’t explain, but this orphanage was absolutely amazing. The vision of the founder to establish a place where the children there would call each other family, where they would learn how to serve because they have been served, where they would go to school, where they would learn a trade, where they would be loved…

Our tour guide explained that many of the kids there were left in boxes at the front door. He told us that they had two visiting days each year where, if the children did have any family that on those days the families could come and see them. He began to explain that those days are the hardest. He said that early early in the morning all the kids line up at the gate of the facility. They all sit down and wait. Wait for their name to be called over the microphone. Wait to hear that their dad or their mom or their aunt or uncle has come to see them. But he said that most kids don’t get a visitor and then he said for weeks the kids come to him with endless questions of why their Dad or Mom doesnt want them and he has no sufficient answers…

There is a garbage dump about 15 minutes from the orphanage facility. The orphanage started a program to go and pick up children who live in the garbage dump to come and receive food and go to school. At the end of the day the kids are dropped by off at the dump to be with their families because they have to help their families earn a living as well. As of right now about 115 kids are picked up every day.

I will never forget this experience. Please pray with me for the kids at NPH and for the families who live at the Garbage dump in Milpillas.

Go here for more information:
http://www.nph.org/?page=homes/home.php&lang=en&org=4

Jueves:

Class is pretty difficult, and today was kinda frustrating. We are reading stories and about every other word I underline b/c I have never seen it before. I am going to have to do a lot of studying…

But after class we (Amanda, Zoe, and I) went to salsa dance lessons! Great way to break a sweat and release stress :)

I absolutely LOVED salsa class! It was so so much fun! Every tues and thur at 5 o’clock you can find me at “Amor de Salsa” dance lessons!

After salsa we went to good ole’ starbuck for internet access and to study for our test tomorrow. We ended up seeing the director of our school, Letecia, and we joined her for doughnuts after studying :)

(p.s. this is what we taught enrique to do!)

Viernes:

Ahhh its Friday!

After classs today we came home and ate a wonderful lunch and then headed to take a nap. We haven’t slept much lately and today we woke up early to study more for our test, so a siesta was much needed.

After we woke up we colored our madre’s hair. yep. We are her new hairdressers! It was so fun!

Sábado:

Today Zoe went on an excursion to Pueble, a city about an hr away.

I am staying in Cuernavaca to relax and hang out with my family. Today is my host sister, Teri’s, birthday and we are having a big celebration tonight!

This morning I went to the fresh food market to pick up some of Teri’s favorite food. Let’s just say the ‘grocery store’ here is much much different. I loved all the fresh vegetables and fruit! There were so so many! But then when we reached the meat section I became slightly light headed….I don’t know if I will be going back to the market but it was definitely a fun experience.

(me and enrique in the taxi after the trip to the mercado!)

hasta luego!

home sweet home

2008-05-14T12:12:00.000-07:00

Not much can make my heart sing louder and clearer than

…jogging on county road 3115 at dusk
…filling and re-filling my parents coffee cups about 10 times a day
…sitting silently in the middle of the field just north of our house with Beethoven staring blankly at me
…the drive to walmart with momma
…seeing everyone I know, and then finding out quickly that they know every detail of my life that has happened in the past 2 months (thanks mom)
…cooking fresh vegetables from the garden (thanks Deb—she gave us her first fruits of the summer, asparagus, sweet peas, carrots, potatoes, broccoli..mmm nothing like it)
…watching o’reilly with dad and laughing. a lot.
...answering to the name anna.
…making about 4 pots of coffee in one night because our door is always open, and well, family is so much bigger
…shelling pecans
...seeing roughly 40 little people (under 3 yrs) tackle my dad screaming “Pastor Wandy!!”
…then seeing my dad’s eyes sparkle
…playing secretary for a day and watching people in need flood in the doors of an open building filled with people who are the church
...remembering the 'old' me
…waking up to the sound of a bush-hogger (how exactly do you spell that?)
…eating supper on the back porch
…the indescribable beauty that is East Texas
...watching home vidoes
…driving on the back roads
…watching my dad teach P.E. at school. calistinics have a whole new meaning.
…making mom's carrot cake
...watching my parents flirt. and snuggle. after almost 25 years.
…reading. just for fun.

It feels good to be back.

It’s different this time.

Everything I own is in boxes. Mi casa in CS is no more—and well, mi casa here isn’t really mine either. It is different this time, and i never thought it would come so soon. more on that later...

not a 'cool' blog

2008-04-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

the blog idea didn't work out so much this semester.

life got in the way, and obviously blogging wasn't too high on the life list.

but that will change very soon :)

school is coming to a close and in 3 weeks I will be on a plane to Mexico ...and in about 4 months I will be moving to D.C.

[traveling is obviously and purposefully high on the life list]

I always blog more consistently when I am traveling. it is a connection device for me, and i've come to terms with that.

although... i still struggle with wanting my blog to be 'cool'--you see, i hesitate when typing my thoughts or my day to day stories. i have a problem with wanting to write things that will make people ponder or perhaps even make you like me more. how junior high is this struggle? seriously.

so i'm coming out in the open.

i am unapologetically telling you that my blog probably won't be as 'cool' as the last one you read. so to whoever is reading this, i just want to clear up the expectation level. don't really expect anything poignant. or don't really expect anything at all. then maybe when one day comes along and the words on my blog jump off the screen and produce crazy insane inspiration. well, you will just be pleasantly surprised then.

whew. ok that was freeing. glad we are all on the same page. less pressure is great.

really, the only person i know who reads my blog is my mom and well...let's be honest she will always think i'm the queen of cool and thats enough for me :)

merton

2008-01-15T14:51:00.000-08:00

Laziness flies from all risk. Discretion flies from useless risk: but urges us on to take the risks that faith and the grace of God demand of us. For when Jesus said the kingdom of heaven was to be won by violence, He meant that it could only be bought at the price of certain risks. And sooner or later, if we follow Christ we have to risk everything in order to gain everything. We have to gamble on the invisible and risk all that we can see and taste and feel. But we know the risk is worth it, because there is nothing more insecure than the transient world. 1 Corinthians 7:31--And those who deal with this world [overusing the enjoyments of this life] as though they were not absorbed by it and as if they had no dealings with it. For the outward form of this world (the present world order) is passing away.

Without courage we can never attain to true simplicity. Cowardice keeps us “double minded”—hesitating between the world and God. In this hesitation, there is no true faith—faith remains an opinion. We are never certain, because we never quite give in to the authority of an invisible God. This hesitation is the death of hope. We never let go of those visible supports which, we well know, must one day surely fail us. And this hesitation makes true prayer impossible—it never quite dares to ask for anything, or if it asks, it is so uncertain of being heard that in the very act of asking, it surreptitiously seeks by human prudence to construct a make-shift answer (James 1:5-8)

What is the use of praying if at the very moment of prayer, we have so little confidence in God that we are busy planning out own kind of answer to our prayer?

--words of Thomas Merton--

one of my dear friends introduced me to a monk named Merton a little while ago and it is safe to say that he has inspired me quite a bit--i have fallen in love with his words--they have caused many thoughts and ramblings in my heart recently...

if you have never heard of him or read his writings, you should.

do yourself a favor and go to barnes and noble :)

not just for merton but because that place is pure solace...maybe it is just for me. if i'm stressed or just out of breath from life-- walking into barnes and noble always brings me comfort.

peace.

sit with me and tell me once again...

2008-01-07T08:52:00.000-08:00

"..gratitude is so central to the life God made us for. Until we can center ourselves on what we do have, on what God has given us, onthe life we do get to live, we'll constantly be looking for another life. That is why the word 'remember' occurs again and again in the Bible. God commands his people to remember who they are, where they've been, what they've seen, what's been done for them. If we stop remembering, we may forget. And that's when the trouble comes." --rob bell (sex god)

[Excerpt from our Romanian blog last Christmas.]

Our "romanian" story is a hard one to explain.

Sometimes when I sit down with people and talk with them about it I honestly don't have the words to describe or somehow relay to them what the trip is all about.

I suppose it is because Jenn and I honestly don't know…

Psalm 139:6 --“such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.”

The planning of this trip has taught me a lot about humility. I am left on my knees. I can’t count the amount of times I have had to throw my hands up and realize that my finite mind, my stupid agenda, my selfish desire—it all crumbles when compared to Him.

His plan.

His glory.

How dare I throw at Him these things, whining that I don’t grasp what He is doing and then demand He show me exactly what he is doing--before I take the step he has already asked me to take…

Faith is hard.

Not understanding is hard. Not seeing the big picture is hard.

Trusting that theLord knows what he is doing, regardless of how I feel--- is hard.

But it is beautiful. It is beautiful to see how the Lord gently pursues me, disciplines me, and refines me. He knows I get frustrated when I don’t “see” what is going on, He knows that makes me uncomfortable—yet He has asked me to jump in every facet of my life....

Without knowing what is at the bottom

Without knowing when he is going to catch me

But having faith that in his timing-- He will.

So, here we are. Jenn and I are boarding a plan on December 27th at 10:30 p.m. God has handed us this amazing opportunity to go for two weeks, to immerse ourselves in a world so unlike ours, to see children who have nothing, to encourage the believers there who love them every day, to rip off the lenses that we have always looked at the world through and attempt to see it a different way.

I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that that was me one year ago…

I went back and re-read our whole Romanian blog.

There is nothing short of amazing and odd and incredible and really just plain crazy that the Lord has done in the past year.

I had never ever thought about Romania before last fall. Probably couldn’t have even pointed it out on a map. That trip was never on my agenda. Never etched in my planner. It just happened. Really. One day I met Jenn in class and the next thing I know I’m buying plane tickets to Romania? And I flew back this summer by myself!?! really?

My God is so spontaneous. Just crazy. That is one thing I love about our Creator is I never know what is going to happen next—I can never think as high as he is.

It drives me crazy.

the ‘not-knowing’ (not much has changed in that area...)

But, honestly would I ever really want to live another way?

It invigorates me when I feel a dream in my heart and I don’t know why, or how, or where, or when…

I’ll be the first to admit that I struggle terribly with worry and fear and doubt…But even now while I have been struggling more recently than in a long time.

I look back.

And it is so obvious. He was in front of me and behind me this entire past year embodying Alpha and Omega

Psalm 139: 4-7

For there is not a word in my tongue [still unuttered], but, behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You have beset me and shut me in--behind and before, and You have laid Your hand upon me. Your [infinite] knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high above me, I cannot reach it. Where could I go from Your Spirit? Or where could I flee from Your presence?

the thing is.

I DON'T know.

I have to swallow that His infinite knowledge is too wonderful for me—I can’t grasp it.

The first song we learned there, likely that it is not spelt correctly
"Dumnezeu e taria mea

Adapost pentru sufpetup meu

ajutor cand povara e grea

Dumnezeu le taria mea"

translation: "Our God is an Awesome God He reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power, and love--Our God is an Awesome God!"

breathing in...

2007-12-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

i have found out even more that i am a product of my parents...this town and these people fill me with so so much joy...

Yesterday Christmas break officially started for me! (no more work for two weeks!) and I jumped in my car and headed for good ol' East Texas...

I got in town just in time to find my mom and dad running around like chickens preparing for the day care and and school kids Christmas parties/play last night...Mom, Mrs. Joyce, and I got a chance to run to grab some dinner then head back to the church to party :)

It was soooo good to see people that I haven't seen in what seems like forever, and then to meet new people too. Another thing that was so neat for me was to see kids of every color, size, background, race---some rich, some on welfare, some adopted, all running around laughing and playing with each other...such a sweet picture of our God!

All the kids had spent the day before cooking up all the goodies to serve us and mmmmmmm i just wanted to squeeze them !

Then I the school kids performed their Christmas play. No doubt one of the best experiences of my life. Between Mary getting baby Jesus confused with a football as she literally 'chunked' him into the manger...and King Herod screaming to the top of his lungs "I WANT THAT CHILD!!!!"...its hard to recall my favorite part. I laughed the entire time...they did a phenomenal job!

...when we walked in the door of my home about 10pm i walked in the living room to find: no Christmas tree, no stockings, no decorations...

nothing.

mom just looked at me and said, "sorry emily, we haven't really had time for that."

at first those words stung as i stared at our living room, i was honestly seflishly hurt that my mom hadn't decorated

but then the Lord opened my heart and my eyes to learn and see the lesson he has been teaching me over and over again--but its difficult for it to soak into me...my flesh fights so hard

one of the things I am so thankful for is that my parents taught me what things in life are to be valued more than others, and what things are more worthy of my effort and my love. now, I'm not saying christmas decorations are evil! gosh no! I absolutely LOVE to decorate and spend all day getting boxes down from the attic and covering our home with lights and garland--that has always been such a joyous and bonding time for our family...but I am also so thankful to come home and see a man and a woman living their life serving their hearts out without having the time to even think about a silly glittering tree in the house, choosing that it is more important to pour themselves out, to spend their time and their resources on others, rather than on themselves. I hope when I grow up* that I will find myself coming home worn out from loving on other people, pressing deeper into furthering our King and His kingdom-- and enthusiastically choosing to do so--not overly concentrated on everything material being perfect for the holidays

(however, yes i really do hope i have a lovely tree too!)

Today we woke up and headed for Shreveport to see a lady in the hospital who just recently had brain surgery. It was a very humbling experience. I so quickly forget about how many people are hurting, sick, and lonely filling the hospitals in our culture. Every time I go to the hospital it is a bit overwhelming for me...first i'm not too great with needles and tubes but beyond that it is a slap on my face of how incredibly self-centered I am. It was good for me to see that. It was good for me to sit in the room with her and just talk and for moments just sit in silence smiling at each other...recognizing how important it is for me to remember those who are sick in my prayers and how my health is SUCH a blessing and gift for me to not take for granted...

after that we headed for the outlets stores on the boardwalk--i needed to pick up a few things for my wonderful roommate, Claire's wedding next weekend. My crazy mom has always taught me to pray for bargains and to be thankful for the Lord providing--well today I am thankful--He knew how much money I had and it was just enough :) and it was so fun walking hand in hand with Mom window shopping like the old days...

tonight we went over to Mrs. Diana's for the daycare teachers Christmas party! so fun! we played white elephant and then one of the women announced she was pregnant which of course caused us to all cry and scream and laugh! I think one of the greatest things God created was laughter and just the ability to feel joy so intense that it can't simply stay inside of you--it has to get out!

soooo the break has begun...i have made a list (of course.) but if the list doesn't get done its ok.

I am praying that I do not take this break, this time, for granted.

"time off" as we call it.

makes me feel like i should shut down, hit the power button, breath in deep....then exhale on Jan. 2 when I return to CS and work.

i think that's what i might just do.

i'm going to attempt to breath in deep...

back to blogging

2007-12-18T08:16:00.000-08:00

so yea this blog thing hasn't really worked out so well. i guess that slightly depends on what your definition of 'well' is; however, I am attempting to commit again to blogging

now that I am done with school, and am beginning to feel human again I can do things.

normal things.

like go grocery shopping.

seriously, I feel like I am in culture shock.

this probably confirms the notion that i might be a tad bit too involved in the things i am involved in...but i'm working through whether that is a good thing or a bad thing...

needless to say, I want to blog again--because I find it purposeful to me--if anything to look back and see all the craziness Father has lead me through

so merry Christmas break to you. specifically b-laire b/c... well you are my reader :)

chewing chewing chewing...

2007-10-07T13:18:00.001-07:00

i am putting a lot of pieces together.

not pieces of gum. however--i have chewed about 10 pieces of gum in the past hour...eerr maybe 45 minutes.i really don't know what that could mean. or what kind of personality box that puts me into.

there is probably some personality test that says if you are unable to see a pack of gum or have a pack of gum in your possession and not continuously chew piece after piece--well then that makes you an D personality.

D for deranged. D for demented. D for disillusional.

so i chew a pack of gum in under 1 hr..... isn't that something i should get an award for? or a big high five? yes i do believe so. this should be looked as an accomplishment! instead i get that eye. that chin raised/eyes looking down on you type of look from anyone who finds out this secret 'problem' about me.

i am not so sure if this is Detrimental ...however i do want to work towards discipline in all that i do (a forever never ending always failed at ambition of mine) soooo no more of this nonsense from me. no more chewing full packs of gum

true story--a few weeks ago i traveled to Austin with my Abbott partner Caroline to scout out some restaurants for the conference and as we headed out of the city we stopped at a gas station. I bought some good ole orbit and jumped in the car. as we drove home to conversation was deep and full of laughter and thoughts of life and all those good things. all the while here i was opening a piece of gum. chewing it. about 2.5 minutes later opening up another piece of gum getting ready to spit out 'old' piece in my mouth.

by the time we reached my apartment without realizing it, my lap was full of white gum papers filled with gum.

obviously i am not putting so well the pieces of gum together... and yes (*sigh) i am about to turn this into something about God...

i wish i could say i was putting together to pieces of life a little better...maybe into a nice little fuzzy kitten puzzle. because i love cats :)

but i'm not.

rather, i am finding out that every time i put my hands to work on the 'life' puzzle that it doesn't fit.

there are 5 corners instead of 4.

there are too many side pieces and not enough middle pieces.

and the picture i've seen on the box several times that i thought the pieces would make, isn't really coming through.

why doesn't it fit?

why doesn't it look like I always thought it would look or should look?

i dont' know.

and i feel like a broken record in my mind to be honest. i just don't get it. i dont' understand how to mesh my life as it is with the words of my savior. i have to change. but how? i mean seriously.

how.

Jesus is really rearranging a lot of things in my heart.

i admit it--right now i am at a very confused point.

i go through these stages..and the stages switch almost every day

yesterday i couldn't concentrate in any of my classes because i couldnt switch my brain from thinking about God/church/love/Jesus/salvation/the bible/the HOW'S and WHY'S/mission --to thinking about spanish or linguistics or rhetoric.

i go through days where i am like
"oh this is great--i am learning so much--i can see the long-term purpose in doing what i am doing at school, I can see why God has me here at this time to grow and learn and prepare"

"i can see why God would keep people in America to love on the people here and pray for the people who go, I can see why he sends some of us to be doctors/teachers/lawyers/moms/dads/business woman"

"i can see how each of us were created to put our hands to something different, some of us to make money to give all of it away, and some of us to receive money and put it to work for the kingdom"

"i can see how people are making a huge impact for the kingdom all around me through pastoring a church, or adopting, or volunteering, or reaching out to the poor around us"

but then there are days when i can't see it. it all seems pointless.

all of it.

i just walk around in a daze...continuing the motions..but my mind and my heart are not there

i can't see why i am spending roughly $60,000 (not counting scholarships) on an 'education'.

this is a big one.

really? all that money? when yesterday 34,000 children died of hunger?
(but of course then the thought comes---how would I, just me, have helped that...)

i can't see why i am still here.

what is keeping me here? i am falling ever more in love with my creator, with my lover...and does he want me here? he is growing in me i can feel it, growing stronger and stronger every day, taking over more of my thoughts, more of my dreams--changing me--re-creating me....

i can't see why i don't just run to the first place i here of that is in dire need of hearing about Him.

why do i spend more than i need and then justify it...or is some spending above need justifiable?

oh, but what do i do?--i here about places like this daily (i mean we aren't stupid--we know about India, Africa, Latin America, and all the 3rd world countries/ impoverished places in America--but why doesn't it affect us?)

the facts swim in my head.

and then they are drowned out with all the other 'things' i have to deal with at this present moment.

i can't see what i am 'preparing' to be a mom and a wife if maybe i will never be one.

yea i know thats kinda a taboo statement to make. and it hurts to say it outloud.

if i could have one wish, one dream granted--honestly and probably selfishly it is to be married to a man who is madly in love with Christ--who would challenge me to love Him more--who would guide me and love me...and have many many children

there is this intense longing in my heart to have this. when i am around families i either want to jump and dance for joy because i see the love of Father through them...or i can't stop crying, i can't stop thinking that this, this thing that i hold so dearly in my heart--i might not ever get.

am i promised this? and really is there much evidence that any such man exists? sorry i should not have said that. ok now my cynical nature is taking over a tad bit...i'll stop.

i can't see how i can read the teaching of Jesus and 'the way' he wants me to live and still i continue to life my own 'way'

i can't see how we are all still here living our own lives convincing ourselves that what we are doing is good enough--when there are millions of people, millions of souls who are living without ever have heard the name of my Jesus.

so yea sometimes life makes a lot of sense to me, and sometimes it doesn't.

and

bascially we should NOT MAKE SENSE.

Jesus didn’t. he was insane. He did everything crazy. (this makes me feel better)

I was asked if Christians should have any concept of reality.

Like you know you think things and say you have faith…and then there is always a BUT I need to have wisdom too.

Ok example: after school I don’t know what I’m going to do but I know HOW I am going to live. And I know WHO I am . I am not concerned so much with the doing as much as I am the LIVING. J AND BEING.—and so some would say wow you have a lot of faith but you should probably take a reality check –I mean you need money you need a house you need to find a husband- etc etc.

ok so…? Should Christians have any concept of ‘reality’?

i don't know-i'm not sure about that either.

and I HATE how wisdom is presented sometimes in opposite of faith . as if faith is foolish…well hold on. Read that again. FAITH IS FOOLISH. Hmm haven’t I heard that somewhere?

1 corinthians 1:18-30

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written:
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."

Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS. it does frustrate me...it makes me realize that nothing else matters but Christ and him crucified. why do i make it so complicated? or why do i strive for me to look 'wise' while loving Jesus and loving people?

well this is really long and these are thoughts that are full of many different thoughts that i just keep chewing and chewing but i can't figure out how to swallow them

....my mind is working overtime right now and i feel like my heart is breaking more and more every day--but i Pray that the Lord will continue to break me, i pray that i will daily understand more of His words and HOW to live them...

becoming a fool?

2007-09-15T08:03:00.000-07:00

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Matt. 18:1-5
"At that time the disciples came up and asked Jesus, Who then is [really] the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?

And He called a little child to Himself and put him in the midst of them

And said, Truly I say to you, unless you repent (change, turn about) and become like little children [trusting, lowly, loving, forgiving], you can never enter the kingdom of heaven [at all].

Whoever will humble himself therefore and become like this little child [trusting, lowly, loving, forgiving] is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives and accepts and welcomes one little child like this for My sake and in My name receives and accepts and welcomes Me."

oh to be children...

they seem to be able to get things in away that we adults really can't, because i don't know i feel kind of brainwashed i guess. and yes i realize that im only 20 (errr 21 in three weeks!) and i don't think of myself as 'old' but it just goes to show how early the brainwashing happens...

brainwashed by so many things...structures and formulas of life that have invaded our lives since our first breath. structures we are forced to live inside of...we aren't allowed to color outside the lines (i.e.kindergarten), we must wear certain clothes to certain places, we learn to talk a certain way because thats the 'correct' way that some day someone rich said was 'correct', we are thrown into life and are told how it works without ever finding out for ourselves.

i read this scripture and i want to be like a child. i want to think like a child.

i want to go back.

back to the days before i became so enslaved to our 'big kid' way of life

but ugggggggggggggggg it is so hard.

as soon as i try. as soon as i think, "ok i'm giving up thinking like such an adult!!!"

i can't seem to fight these 'adult' like symptoms that have integrated themselves in every part of my mind and heart.

the 'adult' me that desperately needs to be "carefully kept", and that tends to not jump into anything that could 'wear' me out or worse make my hair fall out or make me become 'shabby'.

i want to be comfortable.

yep. that bascially sums it up.

i mean lets me honest the mere thought of 'getting old' is already very overwhelming to me--i dont want to take on anything else that would hurry that process along. so i just tend to stay "carefully kept" --stay comfortable--which most of the time means just that.

staying.

not moving, not doing, not growing--and sometimes, unfortunately, that is perfectly ok with my adult self.

the 'adult' me that is full of pride--thinking that i have everything figured out--or at least impressed with myself and the things that God is showing me

the 'adult' me that says i deserve something from God because i feel as if i have DONE so much--i deserve His love, His grace, His mercy,--i have earned salvation through all my 'works' and honestly God needs me to work for Him

the 'adult' me that feels very independent.

completely self-sufficient.

i don't need anyone else...

of course i like having people around--but i could definitly live without them.

and not so much people who are 'older' people or for that matter any kind of people who might disagree with me on some 'spiritual' matters that have 'oh so well' been revealed to me and i don't need anyone else's opinion(well only those opinions that afirm me)

so yea i don't really want to be dependent on their wisdom especially on those who don't believe exactly the way i do...

because of course-- i have arrived(i dont' really know at what exactly but i'm there.)

if the people around me disagree with me then i can just leave them and either find other people or just go solo--i am independent, remember?

the 'adult' me that cringes at the thought of being thought of as little-or nothing-or heaven forbid the word the bible uses 'lowly'. eeeeek!

cringe cringe cringe!

i can't handle that--i can't handle people not looking to me for advice--or at least telling me how great i am--how amazing i am...

lowly?

ughh i don't even think i can say that word outloud without making a face.

no i want to continue doing those things that make me feel 'highly', praised, and adored. and you better believe that i know what those things are, i have them down, memorized, and stored away in the compartment in my head that should honestly be titled 'manipulation'

i can manipulate the things i say or the clothes i wear so that people will think of me better. I can maneuver myself to be seen by those people i desire to be thought highly of. i will go to great links to be thought well of

the 'adult me' that refuses to be wrong. I don't don't like being wrong. i don't like being embarrassed about not 'knowing' something.

so i just pretend a lot of the times.

most of the time to get people to like me(or think more highly of me--see above...)

I need people to like me. i try really hard for people to like me

I sometimes push my 'real' self further and further away from me just in case i might embarrass my-self. because i mean if people didnt like the 'real' me then i would have to face that. i would have to face rejection. another 'cringe' word.

rejection. yuck.

instead of facing...that...i just feel out people. i see what they are like--what they like--and i tend to (almost unconsciencely because this formula is so branded in my head) be/become like them or be what they want.

so... to be a child? to think of myself as lowly? to be humble? forgiving always? not really thinking of myself as greater than anyone?

that's not just hard--that almost seems impossible. it goes against what has been ingrained inside of me from my first breath into this world. we are born as meek and tender children and its as if the rest of are lives are dedicated on how to teach us how to NOT be like children.

ex: it is said to kids all the time "your a BIG boy now, we don't do _______anymore, we don't act like ____________ anymore"

i mean yes it would look quite silly and extremely gross if we all walked around in diapers still...

but it doesn't seem like anyone ever reminded us or pointed out to us the child-like characteristics that we should strive to never lose.

i can't help but think this 'child-like' thinking is connected to this notion of 'becoming real'...becoming what Christ real-ly called us to be.

i think the skin horse has it right. it is when i am honestly loved, overwhelmed with the love of my Daddy--that I am free to be real.

i am free to not worry about keeping myself 'carefully kept' or concentrating on being comfortable--i want to love like Jesus loved me--i want to run myself ragged--i was to be despensible to anyone and everyone who needs me to serve them in any capacity!

i am free to openly express my ignorance--because i have found the one who knows everything! there is no need to be self-conscience of my lack of wisdom, or knowledge---because i realize that i can't do anything anyway on my own--I am left to only point to my Daddy

i am free to be myself. my-self. the self that God made me to be. i can openly express my personality and not be ashamed because i have found the one who created me and he calls me His--so honestly who cares what anyone else says? it is the voice of my Daddy that afirms me!

and even if no one on this earth accepts me--it might initially affect me--but i somehow understand what the skin horse says.... "when you are real, you don't mind being hurt".

i mean this is so childlike its not even funny!

i remember when i was a kid--it didnt matter what anyone else said--if my daddy said that my outfit was pretty--who cared if the girls next to me thought that my pink polka dotted shoes don't match my bluegreen stripped dress?

I am free to being thought of as nothing. lowly. humble. i have found something so much bigger than myself. so much grander--that to call myself anything but 'lowly' in comparison wouldn't make sense. i am fine with thinking of myself as little--because then my Daddy can do more things through me. if i keep thinking arrogantly--Daddy can't use me.

i am free to be completely dependent on my DADDY! ahhh i don't even want to be independent--i love waking up with the knowledge that i am not independent--i am not alone--He guides me, He directs my path--i just continually have to learn to give him control

and its a process--it doesn't happen all at once..Jesus continually loves me. his mercy, his joy, his love is new every morning. every day i get to dive into it!

every day i become more and more real. everyday i care less and less about me. i fight the adult emily--and strive to be like a kid again

i feel real. every time i color outside of the lines and i risk becoming shabby.

and i risk losing all my hair.

and i risk being hurt

and i risk being thought of as ugly

i find the real me (somewhere underneath all these layers)

and i find the one who made me-- my creator-- and gradually my Daddy begins to come through

...begins to seep through as i die to my 'adult-ness'

as i become 'real' i also make less and less sense to the adult world around me--i am gradually becoming more like a little child...

i am loved. period. and that truth frees me!

frees me to seem like a fool to those around me!

1 corinthians 1:18-30
For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written: "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."

the saying goes, "wisdom is in the eyes of children and fools"

children--because they have not yet been enslaved

fools--because they're too crazy to be enslaved.

ahh i pray i become more like a kid.

i pray i become more foolish as i get older.

i pray the Lord shows me the steps to take--so that i can fight this desire of mine to be wise

...my life's goal is to become a child-like fool

.
.
.

o Jesus help me!

i want to be put around so many children this year so that i can attempt to understand more what this concept means

i know that this is a part of the body of Christ that i am desperately wanting and needing to be connected with!

one of my desires this year is that i will take the initiative to surround myself with children, in whatever capacity the Lord asks me--because frankly I have forgotten what it looks like to 'be' like a child....

it feels like home to me

2007-09-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

it is such a good feeling coming home.

i think one thing i have found to be ever more true as i experience life more and more is that home is not just one single place...and that the word home encompasses so very much.

i love the feeling the word 'home' produces much in my mind and heart.

first, of course, it is much much more than a building--no, that would be called a house

a home is much much different. it even rolls off of your lips smoother.

'home'

it is relaxing, intimate, encouraging, thought provoking, energy producing, life giving, a hidaway, a haven of hope, peaceful, full of love.

when i think of home in my childhood it reminds me of a day full of daddy mowing the lawn--mom and i cooking and watching TLC and snuggling in the recliner--anna and steve coming over for dinner--dad smelling like fresh cut grass mixed with grilling out--all of us laughing and talking spending the rest of the night watching old home videos and looking through old pictures...

how does this simple word hold all of that meaning?

i think it's because it is there--at home-- that I find my family.

my community.

my inner circle of people who honestly breath life into my lungs everyday.

it is quite honestly something that cannot be explained or put into words.

God has given me a great gift.

a home.

the Lord knows me too well. i can't exist without fellowship, and by that i mean i can't go a day without having a conversation with someone--i have to share life with people. if i don't...i begin to die on the inside. (i realize that sounds morbid... but i guarantee you it is true.)

its as if i can feel my organs start to shut down whenever i am deprived of verbally speaking/listening to humans

and if one day goes by that i do not initiate this life-sharing process i can assure you that something is wrong in me. maybe nothing extreme or big but-- i'm either thinking about something that has captivated my thoughts or i am upset or i am sad or i am dissappointed.

basically pick out any type of emotion and it might be happening inside of me. but it is for certain that it is happening.

if i am not asking someone questions about their day or if i am not rattling on and on about my own, well i might as well be screaming "someone just give me a hug!"

I get a lot of thinking and analyzing done by talking with people...i've tried stopping...i've prayed for the Lord to change me because i know i must annoy people too much...but i can't seem to change(however He is graciously teaching me when to keep my mouth shut...however, still and will always be a learning process)--so for now the Lord has blessed me with a family that puts up with my need for verbalizing basically everything that happens in my head

praise the Lord for Claire, Blaire, and Juliette--they are home to me.

they are my family.

i love coming home

Blaire can almost always be found on her laptop.

she is our family's 'techy'. she seems to not readily admit this fact about herself but don't let her fool you she has raw talent... especially compared,of course, to myself who is completely computer illiterate.

i can promise you she has found something amazing. it can be a multitude of things, ranging from the newest little computer game(...holla at the freshman years) to Matt Chandler's wive's blogspot and the newest pictures of their precious fam (which she just so happened upon by going through other random blogs...) or her newest songs/artist obsession on myspace (she has a talent of finding all the talent before anyone else does--and then we hear it on the radio a year later.)

Blaire is also great about projects. If she sees something that needs to be done, or that she wants to be done--she won't sit or sleep till the project is done. and it has to be done right at that moment--no time to waste! she will stop everything that she is doing at the moment and turn all her attention to the new project that simply can't not get down. do not get in her way--she will run you over or recruit you to help!

Blaire makes me be a kid again. praise God for blaire who reminds me to be calm--reminds me that even though there is much to be done--it is ok to make cookies and chill. :) God knew what he was doing when he put us across the table from each other at Freshmen Orientation....little did I know that he was giving me a person that embodied so much of what I am not--so much of what I need to learn...he gave me a part of himself that he wanted me to learn....i am learning (by practically tying my hands behind my back) to rest--to lean back and breathe.

Juliette well...

there is really not a pattern but i can guarantee you that she is doing something. Juliette never sits still. she is going going and then gone if you don't catch her in time to sit her down. she is reading or researching or studying or talking on the phone or writing emails...

ahh juliette reminds me daily that I don't live anymore--but Christ does. and that everything i do should not be for myself. She is one of the most purposeful people i know. there isn't a day that goes by that she doesn't remind me (through the way she lives) that everything i do should be full of purpose.

juliette never fails to make me feel like my life is the most interesting tv series. she always bombards me with tons of questions--casual questions, direct questions, fast questions, interrupting questions, provocative questions, silly questions, great questions, serious questions... about everything.

My Daddy knew me too well when he so miraculously put us in the same group at Impact Camp. Little did I know that he was giving me someone who inside them held the same heart as me(in not every area but oh sooo many...) He was giving me someone that would challenge me

further

deeper...deeper...deeper...

into my God...

into becoming more like who he created me to be.

and Claire...oh Claire!

Claire is either-a. working out. or b. with Joey :)

Praise God for my personal trainer Ms. Claire hodges! She pushes me to discipline myself more--encourages me to be healthy in order to glorify God more.

Claire is unlike anyone else i have ever met--her personality never ceases to make me laugh!

I feel like I live a whole different life through Claire's life. She has taught me--just by her experiences what it looks like for God to give you a person to glorify Him more. Through her relationship with Joey--my love for my Jesus has grown tremendously!

He has given me a practical picture right here in my own house of what He has done in my life!

She is going through so much right now--so many changes--and there is no doubt in my mind God has placed her to live in the bedroom above me so that I can learn from her.

blaire, juliette, and claire

.this feels like home to me.

they dig into me and pour in so many good things.

we call our home the "Come and See Villa"

...come and see that the Lord is good. that he created us. that he united us. that he gave us life more more more abundantly.

His life in us is something that can't really be explained--come and see.

I know its hard to believe that any good or any unity or any oneness can come from four crazy college girls living in one house together....maybe just as hard as it was for Nathanael to believe that Jesus came from Nazareth...but Philip told him to 'come and see'

it must have been hard for the woman at the well to explain to her community that she had found someone that accepted her and told her he could wash away her sins...all she was left to say was 'come and see'

its hard for me to believe that the Lord wants us and expects us to live in unity. to share unselfishly. to not be bitter towards each other. to be patient daily. to love.

it really doesn't make sense that that could or would happen.

but we are fighting. i refuse to bow and say that because we are girls in college there will always be some sort of bickering or bitterness or jealousy.

we are fighting to look like what Jesus called us to BE.

we fail. we struggle. we repent. and he is changing us. he is humbling us....

.come and see.

thoughts...

2007-08-02T09:24:00.000-07:00

ok i have had a lot. a lot. of thoughts lately. (and i'm trying to unpack them and articulate them...but it's not working out so well)

i'd like to say more than usual but then i would be lying. because more often than not my mind is always this complicated/is always thinking/pondering way too many things at one time.

and so life goes on. and my brain continues to stress me out.

nevertheless, these thoughts are a lot of time in question form and often i just ramble and ramble in my head.

after studying in Spain for 6 weeks..and going back to Romania---i feel like i am on overload with all the lessons learned, all the questions, all the desires, all the love of Jesus...i think if i could sum up this summer in one phrase it would be :

i have fallen in love with a different Jesus.

i can think back on a lot of seasons in my life and they all can be summed up with some silly phrase... but this describes me perfectly at this moment.

it's not that i have never been presented this Jesus....my family is amazing--my family never showed me anything but love. and Jesus. (the real one--not the one that has been growing in my head)

the problem is i live here. i live in the world. and through the years little by little...hint by hint...my mind and heart and thoughts and dreams have been tainted--not an overwhelming amount--but enough to begin to deceive me.

this summer i wanted to leave. i wanted to get away from my friends, my identity here, my life here in general. i felt like i needed somewhat clean air so i could think. and i decided to read the gospels through--because my head had become so cloudy. between my own crazy thoughts, my friends thoughts, books i'd been reading, etc.--

i just needed Him.

simply Jesus.

but i wanted to read them from a non-believer's perspective. which is somewhat hard considering...well, i love Jesus. and i am a believer.

so i dived in.

1st rule: think, disect, read as if this was the first time i have ever read these ancient letters(and try not to recall any preaching/teaching i had heard on the scriptures i was reading)

2nd rule: train my brain to think like an non-follower of Christ--what i mean is-- read the stories and as best as possible without filtering them through anything.

through a 'girl' filter

through an 'American' filter

through a 'church-y' filter

through an 'im in college' filter

through an 'i'm trying to find the answer to lives problems' filter

through an 'i live in the 20th century' filter.

no.

no filters at all. just read the story.

i wanted to see how it would change my life--if it would change my life.

i was flabbergasted(sp check?)

i was shocked and in awe of how the words of the pages came alive to me in a whole new way. i would read things and honestly outloud say "holy cow! that is IN there??"

needless to say there is much to be said about this. much to discuss.

like i said i fell head over heels. think about that...if my head fell over my heels, then i would hit my head right? well i guess i hit my head pretty hard. because everything about me kinda hurts and feels extra uncomfortable.

jesus has invaded my life.

my every thought, my every dream, my every desire, my imagination, my future, my every action, the way i talk, the way i look, the way i treat people, the way i spend money....

i mean i feel like this concept is talked about a lot. like the whole 'falling' in love concept. i mean picture a couple that is in love...they are crazy. they talk crazy. they look at each other crazy. and now that they have each other in their life everything about them has changed--they don't think about what they are going to do after college without thinking about the other person. they organize their day to make sure they see their beloved and not only see them but spend time with them. (or maybe they just stare at each other..not real sure but i mean whatever floats their boat....well as long as it isn't sin...ha)

ok ok the point i'm making is i feel like this. i feel like i don't make sense anymore when i talk. i can't think or live the way i used to.

and i'm not saying that i have never experienced this 'Jesus invasion' (as i have now termed it) i definitely have. he has been invading my life for a long time. along the journey of my relationship with God i have different seasons. different experiences. and this summer i experienced this. i guess this summer many issues i had been thinking about and pondering became real to me through scripture. my eyes are opened to even the tiniest ways i have been gradually deceived into thinking the way this world thinks.

why?

well because most of the time it makes a whole lot more sense to me as a human. i mean like i said when Jesus invades he ruins you--and suddenly you can't live anymore without Him. and its like i'm falling off a mountain. i'm taking a huge risk. like a boy who asks a girl out--i mean he is making himself completely vulnerable.

he could get humiliated. or he could be full of joy from her response. but he is willing to take that chance.

i love living life with Jesus. it doesnt make sense to the world around me. it is full of risks and challenges and joys and pain and laughter and tears.

i don't know what i'm doing tomorrow or next month or in two years when i graduate. but i know who is going to be with me. and i know how i want to live. the 'what' isn't so much important to me. i just want to BE. and live.

have a feeling of such urgency.

like deep in the pit of my stomach i feel an undescribeable stirring of emotions.

i want to do crazy things.

like just sprint out of my apartment and run...run...run as far as i can and when i stop. just soak in wherever i am.

i went to down to the river yesterday and i had to try so hard to not let myself just jump off the bridge and splash into the amazingly blue water.

i walk every day underneath the prettiest blue sky and the greenest trees and it just makes me want to scream or laugh or cry all at the same time.

i can see how all of this sounds very crazy but unfortunately i am very serious.

i want to live life.

simple as that.

however for some reason it doesn´t seem simple at all.

i don´t want to be constrained by anything. i don´t want to feel boxed in because of stupid things. por ejemplo: thoughts like "this doesn´t make sense", "there is no way this would ever work out", "no one has ever done it this way", "seriously emily, that will never work out", "emily the world just doesn´t work that way"...and so on and so on

i feel so alive. so full of dreams and desires and hopes. and some people might say that this feeling is because i´m 20 and everyone feels this way when they are young, like they can conquer the world.

and i refuse to believe that.

because i want to always feel this way.and i think i always will.

because its NOT because i´m 20 that i have this stirring of great and big *somethingnesss* in me (i can´t even grasp words for it)

its jesus.

its Him.

he loves me.

he loves me with such passion i don´t understand it.

i don´t comprehend how a God, how the God of the universe would love me. and every single part of me. he doesn´t keep a record of the wrongs i have done. he could care less. when the prostitute covered him with her tears and washed his feet with her hair, he loved her. with all her flaws...why? because she realized something the pharasees didn´t. she caught onto something that the religious leaders of the time were blinded to

she(the prostitute) was FREE.

because of Jesus. he had given her grace.J

esus came to give LIFE.

he came to show humanity a beautiful God who loves the unloveable. and He gives grace. grace. and more grace. in the times where i fail miserably, in the times where give up, in the times when i choose not to acknowledge him--grace, grace, and more grace. (Romans 5: 19-21)

ahhh to live in this truth, you are free. you become free to live.

and thats what i want. i want to live. fully. not holding anything back.

short story time: after having a conversation with a lady about my future and me rambling about what i wanted to do. I was speaking as if my "real life" hadn´t started yet, but that after some grand finish mark, then it would magically start. I would say things like, "When i graduate college...when i do this internship, when i get married, when i have kids...etc etc etc."she looked at me and said with such certainty and clarity, " Real life started when you woke up this morning--you missed it Emily."*end of story*

i will never forget that one sentence. it rings in my ears. everytime i choose not to seize the moment. every time i pass up an opportunity to do something i know for certain is in my heart to do. every time i act as if i am a character on some stage waiting for the show to be over and for me to begin "real life". this rings in my ear.real life started when you woke up this morning. you breathed in. and breathed out.

now what are you going to do about it?

this reminds me of the story of the talents in the bible. the three servants were asked to give their master an account of how they used their gifts that were given to them. two of them used their talents with boldness, not afraid of taking any risks--they were resourceful. however, the third one buried his gift. as i read this parable it makes me realize that God wants me to take risks. he has given me gifts and talents and wants me to use them.

i want to make decisions without knowing exactly what the outcome will be.

i want to make mistakes.

i want to learn.

i want to trust God fully and have faith completely--even if that means i will probably look like an idiot and not make much sense to the people around me.

why?

because he has captivated me. and He is so different from me! and i have fallen off the mountain--head over heels--in love.

ps(yes i wrote some of this while i was in espana~)

'falling' in love

2007-07-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

its like jumping off a mountain.

having no clue when or where you will land.

not noticing all of the trees and sharp rocks and crazy wild animals.

nope. I don't care. why?

because i am in love and am overwhelmingly confident of who is going to catch me.